Life Screams
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Mattex fic. Set during the end of series 6, at a wrap party following TWoRS. Matt discovers a deadly secret that Alex has been hiding. Will he be able to help her, or will she push him away?
1. Chasing Ghosts

**A/N: Yes, I'm back! I've taken some liberties (obviously) with the details of Matt Smith's and Alex Kingston's lives, but hey, isn't that what we all do? Anyway, in no way am I implying that either Matt or Alex have suffered through this, and I would be absolutely devastated to learn that they had. As a recovering sufferer, this is just my way of channeling my creative thoughts. I hope that you enjoy.**

* * *

What a day. He loved his job, he really did, but sometimes Matt felt like people never really thought of him as a responsible adult. Like they only saw the excitable hyperactive joker that so often came through in his portrayal of the Doctor. They'd just finished the latest finale, "The Wedding of River Song", and he personally thought it was one of their best episodes. The storyline was great, Karen and Arthur had gotten to play around with machine guns, and Alex had gotten some incredible dialogue that he was, admittedly, a little jealous of.

Speaking of Alex, out of the corner of his eye, he saw making her way past him quite quickly, a look a determination on her face. She didn't seem to notice him, but when he called her name, she stopped rather abruptly.

"Oh, hi, Matt. What can I do for you?"

"I…just wanted to say that you were great today."

She smiled somewhat distractedly, and nodded.

"Thanks. You were, too."

She turned away and began walking again, leaving Matt frowning and wondering what he'd done wrong.

"Kingston!"

She turned again.

"Where are you hurrying off to? We have a wrap party to attend."

"I'll…I'll be right there. I just have something to take care of."

After wrestling with himself for a few moments, Matt decided that he couldn't stand not knowing. Alex wasn't normally one to rush off without explanation, and in his mind, that could only mean that something was bothering her. He reached her trailer a few seconds later, and raised his hand, knocking gently. There was no answer, but he decided that he was going to enter anyway.

"Kingston? Are you in here?"

The only reply he received was a low retching sound. Brow furrowed, Matt made his way slowly toward the sound, worried about what he might find.

"Kingston?"

He had reached the small bathroom that was in the back of her trailer, and when he pushed open the door, his eyes widened in shock.

"What the hell?"

* * *

There on the floor, one hand holding her thick curls behind her, one hand with two fingers halfway down her throat, was Alex Kingston. She whipped around at the sound of his voice, eyes wide and frightened, filled with tears.

"Go away."

He shook his head, eyes never leaving her face. She was paler than he'd even seen her before, her entire body was shaking, and her eyes were filled with tears, slowly falling down her cheeks.

"Go away, Matt," her voice was desperate, "Please!"

"Not a chance, Kingston."

Their eyes locked, each one daring the other to back down. When it became evident that neither one was going to give in, Alex sighed heavily.

"Fine. But at least give me a minute to freshen up."

He nodded, backing out of the room slowly, shutting the door behind him. He sat awkwardly on Alex's small bed, running his hands through his hair. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, but he knew that he couldn't just walk away. If he was completely honest with himself, he'd always been attracted to the older woman, but he knew there was no way he could tell her. She was way out of his league. Much too sophisticated, much too beautiful, much too mature for someone like him. He could hear the tap running, and moments later, she emerged, looking tired but somewhat better. She smiled when she saw him sitting on her bed, and sat down gently next to him.

"Okay, Kingston. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

He laughed bitterly.

"Don't give me that, Kingston. You are definitely not fine. Something is seriously wrong. Please, talk to me."

Alex sighed, pushing back a stray curl from her face.

"What do you want me to say?"

What he really wanted was to wrap his arms around her, to bury his face in her untamable curls, to look deep into her brilliant green eyes and kiss her until she forgot her own name. But, there was no way he could tell her that.

"How long?"

"Since I was about your age."

God, she'd been living with this for twenty years? He couldn't even imagine what she must be feeling. Again, he was reminded of their age difference, but he knew that she would never consider him. She had a young daughter to think of. He knew that she didn't get to see Salome much, and he'd never do anything that would jeopardise her relationship with her.

"Why?"

"Matt, when your looks start to go, and you're in the business we are, it makes a difference. I mean, that's not the only reason, but…"

Matt watched her carefully, his own darker green eyes taking in every detail. The way her hands shook, the way she wouldn't meet his gaze, and most of all, the way her voice had changed.

"What's the main reason, Kingston?"

She shook her head.

"It's…" she trailed off, taking a deep breath to steady herself, "I hate myself."

Her voice was a whisper, so quiet that he almost missed it. She was staring at her shaking hands, her fingers clenched so tightly that her knuckles had turned white, and when he moved a bit closer to her, she moved away.

"What?" he said softly.

"I hate myself," she repeated, the pain in her voice undeniable.

"Why?"

She laughed, but there was none of the warmth that her laughter usually held.

"Matt, look at me. I'm old, I've put on at least five stone just in the past month, I couldn't even manage to keep my second marriage from falling apart, and now here I am, crying like a child. I'm pathetic."

Her words hit him like a train, the hatred and self-loathing almost palpable, and he felt his own eyes fill with tears.

"I am looking at you. And I see a beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and strong woman. You're one of the most amazing women I know."

"Yeah, right," she scoffed.

"I'm being absolutely serious. Look at me."

She still wouldn't meet his eyes, and when he didn't receive an answer, he reached out to take her hand in his.

"Alex, please. Look at me."

She looked down at their intertwined hands before raising tear-filled eyes to his.

"I'm being serious. I meant every word."

She was still staring at him, the emotion in her eyes unreadable, and after a few moments, he began to wonder why.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You…you called me Alex."

He nodded.

"That's your name. Of course I did."

Her head shook, a strand of curls sticking to her damp face and he fought the urge to brush it away.

"Usually, you just call me Kingston. Or Ms. Kingston. The only time you call me Alex is during interviews."

He frowned. He'd never really thought about it, but he supposed she was right.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, Alex."

She smiled as soon as he said her name, but looked down again at their hands. He still hadn't released his hold on hers, but she had chosen not to comment on it.

"You could have come to me."

"No….I couldn't. This is mine to cope with. No one else needs to be troubled by this."

He couldn't help the bit of anger that flared up at her words. He knew that she didn't want to hurt anyone, but it still hurt him to know that she didn't think she could trust him.

"Alex, I wish you had said something. You don't need to go through this alone. Don't you know how dangerous this is? You could die, Alex."

She smiled in spite of the seriousness of their conversation. He had said her name twice. She'd never really thought of her name as anything special, but when Matt said it, he made it sound beautiful and exotic.

"I know, Matt. And yes, it scares me. I don't know how to stop."

Hearing her sound so scared, so vulnerable, so _broken_ ….Matt reached out his thin fingers and freed the curl that was still clinging to her cheek. His fingertips lingered on her skin for a moment and he leaned forward, brushing his lips gently against hers.

"I'll help you. Alex, I'll help you if you let me. Please."

A loud knock on the trailer door caused them both to jump, and when Karen's voice followed, Alex jumped up, causing Matt to fall to the floor with a quiet thump.

"Alex! Are you in there?"

Signaling for Matt to stay hidden from view, Alex pulled open the door, smiling at the redhead on the other side.

"Hi, Karen. What's up?"

"We're getting ready to start the wrap party and we didn't want you to miss it. Have you seen Matt?"

Frowning for a moment, Alex pretended to think before answering.

"Not recently. The last time I saw him, he was looking for a hat."

Karen laughed, and still hidden on the floor, Matt couldn't contain a smile of his own. Wow, that woman was good.

"Well, if you see him, tell him to hurry up. He's going to miss the cake."

Alex shut the door, turning back to face her co-star still lying on the floor. She walked over to him, smiling at the way his hair was falling over his eyes, holding out her hand to help him up. She let out a small scream as he pulled her down to the floor with him. She landed on top of him, not unlike their first scene together in "Doctor Who", and he smiled up at her.

"Are you serious?"

"Only sometimes."

"Well, you heard Karen. Come on, sweetie. We're going to miss the cake."

* * *

He smiled when Karen hugged him tightly, and when Arthur passed him a particularly delicious-looking piece of cake, but he wasn't really paying attention. His attention was focused on Alex. He'd been watching her carefully the entire time, looking for any obvious signs of distress. It was in her eyes that he found it. She had a carefully placed smile on her face, she laughed in all the right places, but her eyes were so anxious that he couldn't see how no one else noticed.

Alex's half-eaten cake was sitting on the table before her, and it wasn't long before he figured out her pattern. When no one was looking, she would simply hold the fork close to her lips, never actually letting it touch her. It was only when someone was speaking directly to her that she actually took the smallest bite possible. He knew that she needed the control, but he couldn't stand by and let her do this anymore.

"Hey, Matt. Where've you been hiding all day?"

He turned and found himself face to face with Arthur, plastering a smile on his face.

"Oh, you know. Around. Looking for things to break."

Arthur laughed.

"How many screwdrivers does this make?"

Matt frowned, thinking back.

"About twelve, I think."

Arthur laughed, holding out his hand.

"Good job, mate. You've earned it."

He shook the outstretched hand and clapped Arthur on the back. When he turned back to watch Alex, he was surprised to find that she was no longer sitting at the table. Slightly worried now, Matt made his way over to Karen, tapping the Scottish girl on the shoulder.

"Karen, have you seen Alex?"

She shook her head, smiling.

"Not for a few minutes. I guess she went back to her trailer. Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to tell her that she did a good job."

Karen wrapped him in a hug and kissed his cheek.

"You were very good, too."

He smiled.

"Thanks. So were you."

He ended the conversation a bit more abruptly than he would have normally done, but his worry was growing every second that Alex wasn't in his sight. As soon as he was out of sight, he took off at a run, hoping she wasn't in danger.

He skidded to a halt in front of her trailer, knocking frantically.

"Alex!"

When she didn't answer, he opened the door, not bothering to be quiet. As he had feared, Alex was nowhere in sight, and he knew there was only one place she could be. He opened the door to the bathroom, and when he saw Alex kneeling in front of the porcelain bowl, his heart began to race.

"Alex, don't. Please, don't."

There was nothing in the water, so he hoped he had gotten to her in time. There were tears in her eyes again, and he knelt next to her. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, and she leaned back against his chest.

"Oh, Matt…I'm so sorry."

He didn't answer her in words, but when he placed his arms around her body and carefully carried her to the bed, he gently kissed her hair. He sat next to her, and pulled her shaking body into his arms. He didn't realise that she was crying until he felt his shirt growing damp.

"Alex….Alex, please….let me help you."

"No…Matt, you don't need this. You have more important things to do than worry about pathetic Alex Kingston who can't even eat properly. I'm not worth that."

Matt placed his hand under her chin and forced her to look at him.

"Alexandra Kingston. Don't ever say that again. You are certainly worth it. Your first two husbands were ridiculously stupid to leave you. Any man would be lucky to be with you."

Alex sniffed, noting but not mentioning, that it was never someone who was interested in you that said those words. Matt's free hand had reached for her own, while the other still rested under her chin. Against her better judgement, she moved closer to him, closing her eyes when their lips met. Once her mind truly caught up to what her body was doing, she pulled away with a gasp. Matt was staring at her with an expression she couldn't name, but he frowned when she mumbled her apologies.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Matt. I shouldn't have…I mean…"

Her words were swallowed by Matt's lips and she threaded her fingers through his dark hair. He pushed her back slowly until she was lying on the bed, one hand in her hair, the other supporting his weight. When he pulled away to look at her, she fought the urge to look at anything other than his intense eyes.

"Alex…" her name was low moan, and his eyes never left hers, "I've wanted to do that ever since I came here earlier today."

Alex's tired mind struggled to comprehend the words, but she was simply too exhausted.

"Matt, I'm…I'm twenty years older than you."

"And?" he raised a nearly invisible eyebrow at her.

"And?! We can't do this. We can't be together."

"Why not? Do you want to?"

She thought about it, going over every detail of what a relationship with Matt could be, what it could mean. She was silent for so long that Matt began to wonder if he should have just kept his mouth shut, and just when he was about to move, she spoke.

"I would love to try. But, Matt…people would talk. The press would have a field day."

"So what? I don't care about that. I only care about you. About making you happy. All I'm asking for is a chance. Please, Alex."

Alex was silent again, and Matt took the opportunity to place feather light kisses along the base of her throat, smiling when he felt her sharp intake of breath. He continued his ministrations, learning quickly what places she responded to most.

"Alex," he whispered, "Please. Let me show you how much you mean to me."

She nodded, and when he realised that she had agreed, he kissed her properly, running his tongue over her bottom lip lightly. She sighed into his mouth and he ran his fingertips over her face.

"It's not going to be easy," she said quietly, settling into his arms.

"Nothing worth having ever is. I'm going to help you. You're going to get better, you're going to be happy, and you're going to love me."

As Matt wrapped his arms around her, and buried his face in her hair, Alex smiled. She almost dared to believe what he said. Matt had already proven that he cared for her more than anyone had in years. She cared for Matt more than she knew she should, but she couldn't help the already growing feeling of affection she had for the younger man. Maybe, just maybe, she could learn to care for herself as well.

* * *

 **A/N: I haven't decided if I'm going to continue this or not, but I'm seriously leaning towards it. I've had great fun exploring this, and even though I know they're not together, I love Matt and Alex as a couple. I think they're just the sweetest. Review, please? Let me know what you think.**


	2. Demons

**A/N: Since it has been requested, here is part two. I'm currently working on part three. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Matt took a deep breath and swallowed. The last of his drink burned its way down his throat, and his body shuddered involuntarily. He knew he shouldn't be drinking, but it had been a rough day. His night with Alex had been amazing, but somehow he knew that that was all it had been. One night. She'd turned to him in a dark time, but there was no way she had meant what she'd said.

Sighing heavily, he took an unsteady step from his position on his bed, fully intending on getting another drink. Halfway there, he decided that he needed to speak to Alex, urgently. He blinked in the harsh light of the setting sun, stumbling and nearly falling in his haste to see her. He never knew how he made it to her trailer, but when he found himself knocking on the door rather clumsily, he found he didn't care.

"Matt, hi."

He heard the sound of someone saying his name, but he was unable to find the words to answer.

"Matt?"

The voice was closer now, more urgent. He blinked and his eyes landed on a mass of golden curls. Alex.

"Matt, sweetie, are you okay?"

His head shook, slowly and carefully. He was struggling to stay upright, so he tried instead to focus on the woman standing in front of him.

"I need to talk to you. Now."

Alex nodded, worry evident on her face, and she gently took his arm to steady him.

"Okay, but we need to get you back to your trailer first."

Before he had time to protest, Alex had started leading him back to his trailer. He should have probably been more aware of the fact that he wasn't wearing shoes, but he didn't even noticed the tiny rocks cutting into his sock-clad feet. Once they were safely back in his trailer, Matt collapsed onto his small couch, staring down at his hands. Alex closed the door quietly and looked at him for a long moment without speaking.

"What's wrong?" she finally asked.

"You didn't mean it."

Alex frowned, watching him carefully.

"Didn't mean what?"

"You said you wanted to try. Us."

She nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"I know you were just saying that because you were upset."

"Matt…that's not true. I said it because I genuinely want to try. You're one of the best people I've ever known."

He looked up at her then and was surprised to find that her eyes—those impossibly green eyes—were filled with tears. She reached out to run her fingers through his hair, and he sighed. What was wrong with him? How could he have hurt such a wonderful person? She deserved so much better than him.

"I don't deserve you, Alex. You should be with someone that will make you happy."

Alex laughed and he raised up to stare at her. What on earth could be so funny?

"Matt, you're drunk. And if you were completely sober, you would be able to see that you do make me happy. You make me smile more than I have in years."

Matt nodded once.

"I am a little drunk," he agreed.

Alex laughed.

"What were you drinking?"

His eyes brightened at her question and he smiled, taking her hand in his.

"That's the best bit. I was drinking screwdrivers. Get it, Alex? Screwdrivers….because I'm the Doctor."

He laughed, his enthusiasm so catching that soon she was laughing as well. There was still one thing that had been bothering her.

"Matt?"

He made a small noise to show that he was listening.

"Why were you drinking?"

He didn't answer her immediately, and he was quiet for so long that she was afraid that he wasn't going to speak. Eventually, she heard a soft whisper, and had to place her ear next to his lips to make it out.

"I don't know how to help you."

She felt her heart break at his words, and felt a tear slip from beneath her closed eyes.

"Oh, sweetie. Please don't think that way."

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?"

She laughed, the truth of his words making her realise just how much she'd needed him. Soon, she was laughing so hard that tears were filling her eyes again, and Matt captured her lips with his own. The kiss started out chaste, but when Matt ran his tongue over her bottom lip in question, it soon escalated. Alex could taste the remnants of his last drink, the tanginess of the orange juice and vodka sharp on her own tongue, and she moaned softly.

Matt's fingertips were making a slow ascent to the hem of Alex's shirt and when his skin made contact with hers, she gasped, her head tipping back. He took advantage of her position and placed his lips on her throat, lingering over her racing pulse. He could taste her heartbeat in his mouth and it caused a low moan to fall from his own throat.

Alex whispered his name, unknowingly fulfilling one of his many fantasies, and tightened her grip on his shoulders. He knew that they couldn't let things go much farther, however, so he pulled away, locking his gaze with hers.

"Why'd you stop?" she asked breathlessly.

He smirked, that small almost arrogant smile that she loved so much, and tapped the end of her nose lightly.

"Not here. The first time I touch you, it's going to be much more special than a quick shag in an actor's trailer."

She smiled, obviously touched by his response.

"You're just too sweet. But, I could kiss you all night."

"And I you, Ms. Kingston."

It was nearly verbatim what they had said while rehearsing the series six finale, and it caused both of them to laugh. He couldn't resist the urge to kiss her again, but pulled back before they could get too carried away.

"Have you eaten today?"

Alex looked away, refusing to meet his eyes, and he knew the answer.

"Please, love. You have to eat."

She shook her head, using her long curls as a curtain. He brushed them aside gently, his eyes never leaving her face.

"I can't, Matt."

"Why not?" his voice was soft, almost a whisper.

"I…I just can't."

He stood, making his way around her and knelt so that he was at eye level.

"You can do this. I know you can."

"Not right now. Please. I'm just not hungry."

She was lying and he knew it, but for now he decided that it would be best to let it go. His head was still a bit fuzzy from alcohol, and he fought to focus. Alex's eyes were following his movements warily, and when he stood and stumbled, she was there to support him in an instant.

"Matt, come on. You need to get in bed."

"Only if you join me."

The words were out of his mouth before he knew what had happened, and his eyes widened.

"Okay," Alex answered brightly, "But only if you keep your hands to yourself, Mr. Smith."

Carefully, they made their way over to Matt's small bed, and when he toppled on top of the sheets, Alex sighed.

"Matt…"

"What?"

"You walked all the way to my trailer drunk and without shoes?"

He frowned, raising up to stare at his feet.

"Huh. I guess I did."

His head fell back against the pillow and Alex sighed again, running her fingers through his hair gently.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"You said you'd join me."

She smiled, motioning for him to move over, and when she laid down next to him, his slender form molded around hers. It occurred to her that it seemed like their bodies were made to fit together, and when his arm wrapped around her from behind, she smiled again. His other hand began to trace circles on her upper thigh, slowly making its way higher.

"Matt. Hands to yourself, sweetie."

He stifled a yawn and moved his hand to a safer position.

"Just testing you, Kingston."

"I hate you," Alex said, smiling.

"No, you don't."

She couldn't see his face, but his smile was evident in his voice. In a matter of minutes, his even breathing had filled the small space, and she knew he was asleep. Alex could feel herself giving in to her own exhaustion, and as she drifted in and out of wakefulness, her body moved impossibly closer to Matt's. Seconds later, she was sleeping quietly, her frame wrapped carefully in Matt's arms.

* * *

Matt's eyes flew open as the scream ripped through the quiet, and he bolted upright. After blinking confusedly for a few moments, he was able to locate the source. Alex was still sleeping in the spot next to him, but it was anything but peaceful. As he watched, she tossed and turned fitfully, moaning softly. He reached out slowly, unsure if he should touch her, but wanting to help. When she screamed again, he placed his hand carefully on her shoulder, trying to wake her.

"Alex. Alex, wake up."

It didn't take long. She jerked from his grasp, screaming again, and when he moved closer, she swung wildly in his direction. He caught her wrist just before her hand connected with his face, and he forced her to look into his eyes.

"Alex! Alex, you're safe! It's me, Matt!"

Recognition slowly dawned on her face and she stopped struggling.

"Matt?"

"That's right. You're safe, Alex. Nothing's going to happen to you."

As he watched, her face fell, and before he could react, she had collapsed against his chest.

"Oh, God, Matt. I'm so sorry."

He smiled even though she couldn't see it and smoothed her hair down tenderly.

"Shh….it's okay."

She wasn't crying, but her breath was shallow, her entire body shaking violently. Matt held her closer, whispering soothing words over and over, waiting for the trembling to stop. She murmured something against his chest and it was so quiet that he didn't hear.

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry I can't do anything right," she repeated, "I'm old enough that I should have my life together by now."

Matt shifted so that he could see her properly. She looked so heartbroken and disgusted with herself that it hurt.

"Alex, look at me."

She refused and he sighed quietly.

"Come on, Kingston. Please."

Finally, she raised her eyes and he smiled, brushing away a stray curl from her face.

"You are the strongest woman I've ever met. You've made it this far, through everything that life has thrown at you, and you're still going. You haven't given up. No one ever really has their lives together, not really. I'd say that you've done pretty well. So your previous marriages didn't work out. Maybe that happened so that you could learn to respect yourself and not settle for less than what you deserve. I don't know why you'd choose me, there are loads of better men out there. Men who have a bit more experience behind them and that aren't so awkward. But I'm going to do my best to show you what an incredible person you really are."

As soon as he finished speaking, Alex's lips were on his, kissing him more forcefully than she ever had before. One hand gripped his shoulder and the other one tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. All rational thoughts flew from his head as her hands slid underneath his shirt, her nails trailing lightly over his skin. He still hadn't stopped kissing her, and when her teeth grazed his bottom lip, he moaned. Tipping her head back, he moved his lips to her throat, taking great pleasure in the soft gasps that fell from her lips.

Alex's hands moved up his chest, taking the fabric of his shirt with them, and once she had it over his head, she tossed it to the floor. Matt kissed her lips once more before moving lower, placing feather light kisses on her stomach. He slowly moved her shirt upwards, kissing each bit of her skin that was revealed, loving the way her body trembled under his touch. Alex had been slowly trailing her hand down his stomach, her fingertips almost at the waistband of his trousers, and he paused, looking at her seriously.

"Alex…not here."

She looked at him, and the pain in her eyes was almost unbearable.

"Matt, please. I need to forget about everything. Just for a while."

He shook his head. He couldn't deny that he wanted this, but he also knew that he'd never forgive himself if he took advantage of her.

"I can't. You're too upset, and I would just be taking advantage."

"Matt…" she trailed off, her lips dangerously close to his ear, "I know what I'm doing. And I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes."

Her lips brushed against the base of his throat and he moaned. Yes, he wanted her. More than anything, but it couldn't be here. Her hand was still impossibly close to the waistband of his trousers, and the longer he argued with himself, the lower she moved. Hoping to sidetrack her, he kissed her roughly, nearly pushing her on her back. Her hand had moved again, this time brushing over him lightly. It was enough. He moaned, his hips moving of their own accord and he could feel her smirk against his lips.

Fine. Two could play this game. He kissed the base of her throat, teeth grazing, and she gasped. He took the opportunity of her momentary distraction to move his own hand just where he knew she wanted him most. When his thumb touched her, she cried out, her body jerking, her hands flying up to grip his shoulders. He continued to touch her, never once skin to skin, and never removing his lips from her body.

She was past tormenting him now, completely lost in the sensations his fingers and mouth were creating. Her head fell back, and she whispered his name, clinging to him tightly.

"Matt….Matt, please."

He knew what she wanted, knew what she was asking for and more importantly, knew that it wouldn't take much more to get her there. He could tell by the way her body shook and the ragged breaths that he could easily break her in seconds if he tried. He didn't want to tease her, but he knew that the sight of her coming undone beneath him would destroy any self-control he had managed to hold on to. He moved his hands up to frame her face, kissing her gently.

Without his hands touching her, she began to slowly come down, the shaking in her body subsiding. After a few moments, she opened her eyes, staring up at him, confused.

"Why did you stop?"

"I had to. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself if I hadn't."

Alex frowned.

"Who said you had to?"

"No one. But I told you that it was going to be more than a quick shag in a trailer, and I meant it."

Alex bit down on her bottom lip and he had to fight to stop the moan that rose in his throat.

"Damn, you'd better be good, Matt."

"I think we've already established that."

She laughed, still trying to catch her breath, and nodded.

"You'd better be."

He smirked at her, tangling his fingers in her hair, laughing slightly when they became stuck. Alex frowned at his laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Well, um…it would seem that my fingers are stuck in your hair," he admitted.

Her eyes widened.

"Seriously?"

He tugged experimentally, not wanting to hurt her, and nodded.

"How'd you manage that?"

"How?" he laughed incredulously, "You have space hair, Alex! A better question would be how did it not happen sooner?"

She sighed, reaching up in an attempt to free his hand. After a few moments of careful maneuvering, Matt let out an exclamation of relief, and held his hand in front of his face.

"Freedom!"

Alex glared, smacking his arm.

"We should probably get back to sleep."

He nodded, settling back down on his bed. Alex watched him for a moment before placing her head gently on his chest. His arms wrapped around her and she smiled, placing a light kiss on his skin.

"Good night, Kingston," he whispered.

"Good night, sweetie."

* * *

Not even an hour later, Matt was again awoken by Alex's screams. This time, however, he knew what was causing it and wasn't nearly as alarmed.

"Alex. Please, love, wake up."

She didn't jerk awake this time, but her eyes slowly opened, her breathing shallow. Matt pulled her into his arms, cradling her against his chest, pretending he didn't notice the quiet sobs shaking her body. Just as he leaned down to place a kiss on the top of her head, there was a loud knock at the door, causing them both to jump.

"Stay here," Matt whispered, "I'll be right back."

Alex nodded, tears still streaming down her face. When Matt pulled open the door, he was surprised to find himself facing none other than Karen Gillan, her eyes troubled. It wasn't often that they spent the nights in their trailers, but Matt had simply been too tired to make the trip home after the night he'd spent comforting Alex. Alex, he knew, had been preparing to leave when he had shown up drunk at her door, but none of that explained why Karen was still here.

"Karen? What are you doing here at this hour?"

"I forgot my phone at the wrap party," she answered, holding up the small device, "I would have normally come back later in the morning, but by then I know it would have been gone."

Matt nodded in understanding. He couldn't blame her for wanting her phone back in her possession as soon as possible.

"Matt, is everything alright?"

"What?"

"I was on my way back to my car when I heard someone screaming. It didn't sound like you, but it came from your trailer. Is everything okay?"

He didn't answer her right away, debating on whether he should tell her that Alex was there. He didn't think she would care, but he didn't want to risk hurting Alex.

"Just give me a moment."

He shut the door quietly, glancing back at his bed. Alex was lying still now, but he knew that she was still awake.

"Karen's here. Do you mind?"

He didn't elaborate, but when Alex's head shook, he knew he hadn't needed to. He nodded once before opening the door.

"Sorry about that."

"Who were you talking to?"

Matt sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"It was Kingston. She had a nightmare. A few of them, actually."

"Alex? What's she doing here?"

Karen's tone wasn't accusatory, only curious.

"She's….going through a really rough time, so we had a few drinks."

Karen's eyes lit up.

"Did you…you know…sleep with her?"

Matt shook his head seriously.

"No. I'm not going to take advantage of her like that. It wouldn't be right. Do you want to come in and talk to her? I think it might help."

Karen was silent for a moment, then nodded. Matt stepped back to let her enter the trailer, hoping that between the two of them, they might be able to help. Alex glanced up when they returned, and her eyes widened, darting back and forth between them. He knew she was thinking about his bare chest and the fact that she was in his bed, but he shook his head almost imperceptibly.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Karen made her way slowly to the bed, sitting down gently on the edge.

"Okay, well, most people don't look like they're going to jump up and run away when they're fine. What's wrong?"

Alex didn't look as though she was going to answer, but eventually she sighed, glancing over at Karen.

"It's nothing. I had a nightmare, and Matt's just overreacting."

"This is the second time tonight that you've woken up screaming tonight, Kingston. I'm not overreacting."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Karen asked.

Alex shook her head.

"I don't remember what I dreamt. Once I woke up, it was gone."

Karen nodded in understanding.

"Alex, I don't know if it will help, but when I have nightmares, I make a list in my head of things in my life that I know to be true. It sounds silly, but it works. I hate to rush off, but I really should be heading home."

She stood slowly, wrapping her arms carefully around the older woman.

"Take care of yourself, Alex. Please." she said quietly.

Alex nodded, watching as Karen pulled Matt to her as well.

"Make sure she's safe."

Her voice was a serious whisper, and Alex frowned, wondering what she had said.

"Always," Matt answered.

* * *

Once Karen had gone, Alex was struck by the quietness in the room. Seeing the redhead had made her feel better, but if she was honest with herself, all she really wanted was to be left alone.

"Kingston?"

She hadn't noticed Matt standing behind her and his voice, low and at her ear, caused her to jump.

"Sorry. Do you want to try to sleep again?"

She thought about it for a moment before shaking her head. She'd had enough of the nightmares for one night. Sighing, she laid back down on her side, staring up at him.

"No, I don't think so."

Matt nodded, running a hand through his hair. Alex reached out slowly, catching his wrist in her hand.

"Can you just hold me for a while?"

He nodded, raising her hand to his lips. He kissed it softly, locking his eyes on hers.

"Of course, love."

He settled down next to her, wrapping his arms around her. He took a deep breath, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair, before closing his eyes. There were a million thoughts racing through his head, and he could only imagine how much was going on in Alex's. He tightened his hold on her body, and she turned in his arms to face him.

"I'm not going anywhere," she murmured against his chest.

He placed a light kiss on her forehead and closed his eyes.

"I'm not taking any chances."

* * *

 **A/N: Please review. Love it? Hate it? I'd love to hear your feedback. Plus, reviews are cool.**


	3. As The World Falls Down

**A/N: Here's the next installment. Is anyone even still reading this? If so, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Matt sighed. If he was honest with himself, he was lonely. With filming currently stopped and Alex being away, he hadn't had anything to really occupy his time. He hoped Alex was having a good time visiting her daughter, but he missed her terribly. She was supposed to be back soon and he couldn't wait to see her. The ringing of his phone startled him and he jumped to answer it, a little breathless.

"Hello?"

"Hello, sweetie."

He smiled at the sound of her voice.

"How are you? How's Salome?"

"I'm fine. Salome is great. She's growing up so much. I've missed her so terribly."

Matt nodded even though she couldn't see him.

"I'm glad she's doing well."

"Yeah. She's doing very well."

There was a pause, and Matt frowned. What was she thinking?

"Matt, are you busy?"

"Um…not right now, no. I'm just sitting in my flat on the couch. Why? Do you need to talk?"

There was a soft knock at the door and Matt stood to answer it, still waiting for Alex's response. When he opened the door, he was greeted with a view of golden curls, and stunning green eyes.

"Alex? What are you doing here?"

Her phone was still in her hand, and she smiled.

"I just got back into town, and I thought I'd drop by," she replied, hanging up her phone.

Matt wrapped her in his arms, kissing her cheek, and she laughed.

"I take it that you've missed me."

"So much," he whispered into her hair.

Alex pulled away, frowning.

"It's only been three and a half weeks."

"Has it? Feels longer."

He stepped back to allow her in, and when she sat down on his couch, he smiled. He couldn't deny that it had made him extremely happy that she'd chosen to come here just when she'd gotten back. As he sat down beside her, she stifled a yawn and for the first time, Matt noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

"You look exhausted."

She nodded tiredly and glanced at him.

"I am. It was a long flight. And with the time change, it's messing with me."

He noticed that she'd dressed only in joggers and a loose-fitting blouse. The sleeves nearly covered her hands, and the longer he looked, the more tired she appeared. He leaned back against the couch, holding his arms open. She immediately leaned into him, resting her head on his chest.

"Get some rest, Kingston. I don't want anyone saying that I allowed my co-star to die of exhaustion during the break."

She hummed in response and in a matter of moments, was asleep. As she slept, Matt took the opportunity to really look at her. She'd been gone for nearly a month and she looked even more beautiful than she had the day she'd left. His fingertips danced lightly over her cheek while she slept and he smiled.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered.

There was no sign that she'd woken, and he sighed. He knew that eventually they would either have to go public with their relationship or end it, and he didn't think that he would be able to manage without her in his life. He needed her, and he hoped that she at least wanted him.

True, the first time they had slept together, it had been very obvious that she wanted him, but a small part of his mind wondered if she still felt as strongly about him as she had. He smiled, thinking back to that first time, and closed his eyes. It had been amazing. Awkward at first, as was always the case with someone new, but by the time they had finally fallen asleep tangled in each other's arms, they had become masters of the other's bodies.

He'd wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he knew that she'd have thought it was just something said in the heat of the moment. Each time they'd been together, the urge to say it had gotten stronger, but still he stayed silent.

She shifted slightly in his arms and when her eyes opened slowly, he smiled down at her.

"How long did I sleep?"

"A few minutes."

She yawned, her hand at her mouth, and frowned.

"It seemed longer."

She raised up and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He wanted to flip their position so he could really look at her, but his couch was admittedly too small for that.

"Alex," he whispered between kisses, "I think we need to move."

She smirked and ran her tongue over his bottom lip.

"Bedroom?" she asked.

"Bedroom."

She stood, holding out her hand to help him up, and he swept her into his arms. It occurred to him that she was lighter in his arms than she'd been previously, but at the moment, he couldn't think about that. When they reached his bedroom, he tossed her on the bed, her wild curls bouncing as she hit the mattress. He joined her in seconds, making quick work of the long shirt that covered her body. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the setting sun, but he thought he saw a flash of fear in her eyes and he tossed her shirt on the floor.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered, reaching down to grasp the hem of his shirt.

As always, a spark flooded his body at the contact of her hands, and he kissed her again. He pulled her joggers off as quickly as he could without somehow hurting her, and when she tossed his trousers into the pile, he moaned.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered, kissing her throat.

She moaned in response and gripped his shoulders, holding him as close as she could. Their remaining clothing disappeared and when he entered her, they both cried out softly. Their movements were more rushed than usual, their kisses more urgent, and it didn't take long for either of them to go crashing over the edge, both screaming. He rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily, and when he opened his eyes, he found her brilliant eyes staring at him.

He leaned down to kiss her gently, and she smiled.

"I missed you, too," she said quietly.

He framed her face with his hands, kissing her again. Alex reached up and ran a hand through his slightly damp hair.

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For everything."

He smiled, tapping the end of her nose lightly.

"You're so very welcome, Ms. Kingston."

Alex laughed, and his smile grew.

"What's that smile for?"

He leaned down to kiss her forehead and her eyes closed.

"I love hearing you laugh," he said softly.

Matt pulled her into his arms and rested his head on top of her curls. She smiled as she felt his breath, and closed her eyes. Not long after, she heard Matt's even breathing and found herself joining him in sleep.

* * *

When Matt opened his eyes, Alex was nowhere to be found. At first, he thought perhaps he had imagined the previous night, but the tangled bedding was evidence enough. After a quick glance around, Matt noticed the small piece of paper on the nightstand with Alex's neat handwriting.

 _In the shower. I know what you're thinking, and don't. I'll probably be finished by the time you read this._

 _X_

As if on cue, Alex walked in the room, towel-drying her hair, dressed in only her knickers and one of his long button-down shirts. He couldn't stop himself from staring, and she smirked.

"Are you enjoying the view?"

He nodded, unable to find his voice and Alex laughed. He reached out for her hand and pulled her to him.

"I find you fascinating to watch. You are absolutely stunning, no matter what you think."

He brushed his thumb over her wrist, but paused when he felt something he hadn't before. Looking down, his eyes widened at the sight of the bone in her wrist protruding so far.

"Alex…"

"Hm?"

"What have you done?"

She followed his gaze and tried to pull her wrist from his grasp, but he tightened his hold.

"Matt, nothing's wrong, I don't know why you're—"

"Don't lie to me, Kingston. I know you're not fine. Please. Talk to me."

Alex didn't answer, and she refused to meet his eyes. He watched her face carefully and saw a wide range of emotions pass over it.

"Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, Matt. Just let it go. I'm fine."

He sighed and she pulled from his grasp, backing away slowly. Before he could stop her, she had disappeared, leaving only the scent of her perfume in her wake.

* * *

When he saw her next, she was dressed in another long-sleeved shirt and a pair of denim jeans that he could have sworn he'd seen her in before. Not that it was unusual for Alex to wear the same clothing twice, but he would have bet money that they hadn't hung as loosely on her then as they did now. He frowned, but said nothing, opting instead to wrap his arms around her from behind, kissing her throat lightly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"This morning. I didn't mean to snap at you."

He shook his head, playing with her hair.

"It's okay. No harm done."

Her tone brightened when she spoke next, and she turned in his arms to face him.

"I'm cooking dinner. Your favourite. Fish fingers and custard."

He laughed.

"Most certainly _not_ my favourite."

Alex laughed, pulling away from him.

"I know that. I'm not really making fish fingers and custard. I'm making curry."

He smiled. She knew that he loved it when she made curry, and he kissed her gently.

"You're amazing."

"I know," she laughed.

She hadn't touched her food. Not really. Nothing more than a maximum of ten small bites. He'd been watching her closely and though her fork never really left her hand, it spent most of its time skating around her plate.

"Matt, why are you staring at me?"

Matt considered his options. One, make something up. Convince her that it was nothing. Two, the truth. Make her realise that she was dangerously thin now and that she needed to see a doctor. He knew that if he told her the truth, she would be angry, but he decided that he would rather have her angry and alive than peaceful and dead.

"You're not eating."

She frowned.

"Yes, I am."

He shook his head.

"No, you're not. Alex, you have to stop this. Please. If you keep going, you're going to die. I can't lose you."

"Matt…"

"Don't. Let me finish. Please."

She was silent for a moment, then nodded. He stood and knelt in front of her, level with her eyes and took her hands in his.

"Alex, I know you think that what you're doing doesn't affect anyone else, but it does. I don't want you to get so sick that you can't recover. You mean so much to me. You're the best thing in my life. You're…you're so beautiful, Kingston. Always have been, always will be. How you ever looked at yourself and didn't see it….I don't understand."

He paused, searching her eyes for any sign that he was truly making a difference.

"Matt, I—"

"One more thing. I know that what we have is complicated, both by the press and your daughter living with Florian right now, but I want this to work. I…I love you."

Her eyes widened slightly, and he held his breath, waiting for her response.

"You….love me?"

He nodded.

"You can't."

Matt frowned and looked at her seriously.

"Why not?"

"Because…" Alex paused, choosing her words carefully, "Because I'm not good enough for you. Look at me. I'm a mess. I can't do anything right, I hurt everything and everyone I come into contact with. I've already caused you more pain than you should have ever had to deal with, and I hate myself for it."

He framed her face with his hands, kissing her softly. She continued speaking as if he hadn't moved.

"Matt, you're such an amazing man, and I don't deserve you. You should be with someone who can make you happy."

"Alex, _you_ make me happy. Do you want me to leave? Honestly, tell me."

She looked at him with tear-filled eyes, shaking her head slowly.

"No, of course not. I know I should want you to leave, but I don't think I could handle it if you did, because….because I love you, too."

He sighed, rising up from his position at her feet, and kissed her. He could taste the salt from her tears, but he didn't mind. When they finally broke apart, he looked into her eyes and when she gave him a small smile, he knew that she'd made her decision.

"Alex Kingston. You are the most mad, impossible, infuriating, brilliant, breathtaking woman I have ever known. And I love you."

"I love you too, Matt Smith."

* * *

Alex was sleeping on the couch, her hair spread over the small pillow he always kept there. She looked beautiful, as always, but upon closer inspection, he frowned. Her face was thin, thinner than he'd ever seen it, and the skin around her wrists was tight and nearly transparent. He ran his thumb gently over her wrist and sighed. He tried so hard to make her understand, but she refused to listen. He had to make her see.

Matt reached for his phone, dialing carefully, and walked into the kitchen. He spoke quietly, so as not to wake Alex, and ran a hand through his hair.

"Karen, can I ask a favour of you? I need you to come to my flat for a bit. It's important."

Alex was gently shaken awake a few moments later, and frowned.

"Matt?"

"Alex, I'm sorry, but we have company coming over."

She smiled, sitting up. When she placed a hand on her forehead, Matt knelt in front of her worriedly.

"Alex? What's wrong?"

She shook her head slowly.

"Nothing. Just got a bit lightheaded."

She reached out blindly, grasping his hand tightly in her own. His eyes never left her, and as her grip on his hand loosened, he let out a relieved sigh.

"Who's coming over?"

"Karen."

Alex smiled.

"Lovely. I haven't seen her in ages."

She stood carefully before making her way into the kitchen. Matt watched her go, concerned, but when she turned back to face him, he forced a smile onto his face.

"Do you want a drink? I believe we have screwdrivers."

There was a hint of laughter in her voice and Matt shook his head.

"Not tonight, love."

Just as she turned away, there was a knock at the door, signaling Karen's arrival. Matt leapt to answer it, and as soon as she was within reach, he pulled her aside.

"I need your help."

Karen nodded, confused but wanting to do whatever he needed.

"What's up?"

"It's Alex."

"What about her?"

Matt opened his mouth to answer, but Alex chose that moment to enter the room, smiling when she saw the redhead.

"Karen! How have you been?"

Matt saw the shock flash in Karen's eyes, but shook his head minutely. Karen smiled back at Alex, stepping forward to hug her.

"I've been good. How was your trip to America?"

"Great. I just got back the other day. Still feeling a little jetlagged."

Karen nodded understandingly. She tried to hide her alarm at the change she'd seen in her co-star, but Alex frowned.

"What's wrong, Karen?"

"Nothing."

"Alex, do you think you need to lose weight?"

The question escaped his mouth before he could stop himself, and Alex shot him a look that he was sure could have killed him.

"What?"

"Who do you think is heavier? You, or Karen?"

Alex looked at Karen, an apology in her eyes and clear in her voice.

"You're not fat, Karen."

Karen waved her apology away and Matt continued as if she hadn't spoken.

"So, Karen's not fat. What about you? Do you want to look like her?"

Alex whipped around to face him.

"Are you mad? I would love to be as thin as Karen, but I'm not."

Matt turned to Karen, gesturing with his hands.

"Karen, take off your clothes."

Karen's eyes widened and he winced in pain as Alex slapped him.

"No, I'm serious. Karen, go in my room and get dressed in the robe that I have on the hook. Leave your clothes on the bed."

He was pleading with her, trying to convey with his eyes what his plan was, and when she nodded slowly, he knew she understood. She disappeared into his room, and as soon as she was gone, Alex rounded on him.

"What are you doing?"

He didn't answer her and waited for Karen to return. When she finally came back out, she was wrapped in his robe and pointed at the closed door.

"The clothes are in there."

Matt nodded, turning to Alex.

"Go in there and put on Karen's clothes."

"What? Why?"

"Please, Alex. Just do it."

As if sensing that he wasn't going to back down, Alex did as he asked. Karen glanced at him, worry clear on her face.

"Do you think this will work?"

Matt sighed, staring at the floor.

"I hope so. Something has to."

Alex emerged from the bedroom, not looking at either of them. Her eyes were downcast, fixed on the clothing that she wore, her fingers pulling at the fabric. The jeans that had fit Karen perfectly hung loose on Alex's thin frame, and her shirt billowed around her. Matt didn't speak but he placed his hand on her shoulder gently.

"Matt?"

"What, love?"

"I don't understand. How is this possible?"

Matt glanced at Karen, and she nodded encouragingly. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for what he had to say.

"Alex….you're sick. You say that you're not as thin as Karen, and yet her clothing is falling off of you. Now you have proof. You're much thinner than Karen. The first time I saw you purge, you seemed to realise that there was a problem. Now, you've gotten so far back into it that you don't see it anymore. You never eat, or if you do, you purge. You're sick, love. But you can get better. You're so much stronger than this, and I'm going to help you in any way I can. I can't lose you. You know how much I love you, and think of your daughter. She would be devastated if anything happened to you."

Alex's eyes were filled with tears and she reached for him. Her thin fingers closed around his shirt and the tears began to fall rapidly. He wrapped his arms around her and she collapsed against his chest, sobbing. Karen pulled them both into her arms and ran her fingers over Alex's hair comfortingly. It killed her to see the older woman break down, and she felt her own tears falling.

"I'm…I'm so sorry."

"Shh…you can do this. Karen and I will help you."

Karen nodded.

"Of course. Anything you need, please let me know. Both of you."

Alex was still sobbing, her face buried in Matt's chest, and she sank further into him as her legs gave way beneath her. Matt swept her into his arms, carrying her into the bedroom. He stayed long enough to place a gentle kiss on her forehead and then wrapped her in a thick blanket. He closed the door behind him as he returned to the living room and Karen.

"Matt, I'm sorry. I didn't know things were this bad."

Matt sighed, looking at her worriedly.

"She's getting worse. I don't want to upset her, but I'm so scared that I'm going to lose her."

Matt felt himself tearing up. He'd never admit it to Alex, but seeing her self-destruct was taking its toll on him. He slept almost as little as she did, and when he did, he'd begun having nightmares of his own.

"She can do this. She's so strong. I mean, she's made it so far. She can get back to who she used to be. She can be your Alex again."

Matt looked at Karen, placing his head in his hands.

"I hope you're right, Karen."

* * *

He gently pushed open his bedroom door, and looked in on Alex silently. She was sleeping now, her curls clinging to her tearstained cheek. Matt knew she had simply collapsed from exhaustion, and he hoped that she was actually getting some rest. He turned back to Karen, worry clear on his face.

"How did she get like this, Matt?"

He shook his head.

"I don't know. She's been getting worse for months. I didn't realise it had gotten this bad until this morning. She was away for so long in America, and I didn't see it. I feel so horrible because I didn't see it."

Karen placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Don't blame yourself. None of us saw."

" _I should have seen it_!" Matt yelled, jerking away from Karen's grasp. "I should have done something. I should have gone with her to America, or I should have stopped her from going. I love her, but I didn't even see that she's dying in front of me!"

Matt was still shouting, pacing madly back and forth. He tangled his hands in his hair, his footsteps erratic and frantic. He didn't stop until he nearly collided with something…or rather some _one_ …standing in his way.

"Matt, stop. Please."

"Alex."

The woman in question placed her hands on his shoulders, stopping his movements.

"I'm not dying, Matt. I'll be fine."

"Alex, yes you are. You're sick. Please listen to me."

Alex shook her head, stepping away from him.

"I just want you to calm down, Matt."

Alex turned to Karen, her eyes desperate, filled with tears.

"Please, Karen, tell him."

Karen, who had been silently watching the exchange, shook her head.

"I can't. He's right. I can barely stand to look at you. You'll break if I touch you."

Karen's eyes were wide, horrified, and Matt chose to speak up.

"The other night. When you came here after your flight, I picked you up and carried you into the bedroom. I thought then that you felt lighter than you had in the past. I didn't think too much about it, because, well, I'm a man. When I took your shirt off, you looked scared and I asked you what was wrong. Do you remember that?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You were afraid that I had noticed. Weren't you? Afraid that I had discovered your little secret. Am I right?"

Alex finally raised her eyes to his, and he was taken aback by the anger he saw.

"Since when do you care?" she spat, her words hanging between them like a hangman's noose.

Matt's face fell, and for a moment, Alex regretted her words. Just for a moment.

"I've always cared. Always. Don't you?"

Alex's laugh was bitter, cold. Matt looked at her, confused. She was so different from only a few minutes ago, and he couldn't understand what had caused it.

"Alex, just a few minutes ago, you were in tears because you were so upset. Why are you so angry now?"

He had taken her wrist in his hand, but at his words, she pulled free, backing away. The rage in her eyes hadn't faded, and for one moment, he was genuinely scared of her.

"You're trying to take control of my life, Matt. I'm not a child, I can do things on my own."

"Alex, he's only trying to—"

"Shut up! I don't need your help, nor do I want it."

Alex was at the door now, and when she slammed the door shut behind her, she inwardly smiled at the sound. She knew, on some level, that she was being irrational, but she couldn't seem to control the rage bubbling within her. In a very real way, the only thing she could control was her body. And she'd be damned if she was going to let them take that away from her.

She'd made it down three steps when the lights began flickering before her eyes. The dizzy feeling that had come earlier was now back with a vengeance, and before she truly had time to realise what was happening, she felt her body falling forward. She tumbled down the stairs, stopping halfway down, uncaring if she ever moved again.

* * *

"Matt, she probably just needs time to calm down. And so do you. I'll ring you in a few hours to see if she's come back. I'm sure she's just at her flat."

Matt nodded absently, not really listening. It wasn't like Alex to get so angry, and it certainly wasn't like her to storm off like that. Karen gave him one last hug before closing the door quietly behind her. Running his hand over his face lightly, Matt made his way into the kitchen, searching for a glass. He had just reached into the refrigerator when he heard the scream from the hallway. A few seconds later, another scream followed, but this time it took the form of his name.

He bolted from the room, skidding around the corner and into the hallway. Karen was running at him at full speed, her hair flying behind her, and when she stopped, she placed a hand on his shoulder to steady herself.

"Matt…you…Alex…stairs…that way…" she gasped.

Not waiting for her to elaborate, Matt sprinted in the direction she had pointed, his heart pounding faster when he saw Alex's unconscious body. He took the stairs two at a time, nearly falling in his haste to reach her.

"Karen, get an ambulance!"

He placed his index and middle fingers on Alex's wrist, nearly crying in relief when he found her pulse. He gently lifted her onto his lap, whispering her name over and over.

She stirred slightly in his arms and he glanced down at her. When her eyes opened, they locked on his, glazed and confused.

"You're going to be okay, Alex. I promise. Just don't try to move. Karen's already gotten an ambulance on the way."

She tried to speak, but he placed his finger over her lips.

"Don't. Not now."

She was scared. He could see it in her eyes, but he didn't know what to do. Would she be angry if he tried to help her? He didn't have long to consider his options, because he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to find himself facing a tall man in a uniform.

"Sir, we're going to need you to step aside."

Matt nodded, but when he tried to move, Alex gripped his hand, the fear in her eyes nearly knocking him down.

"Alex, love, I have to move. I won't leave you, I promise. I'll be right here, but I can't be in the way."

He placed a kiss on her forehead and when he tried to stand again, she didn't stop him. Fear gripped his heart as he watched the paramedics gently lift her from the floor, and he felt Karen come to stand next to him. All the while, Alex's eyes never left him.

After a few moments, the paramedic approached him slowly.

"Sir, I really recommend that we take Ms. Kingston to hospital, but she doesn't want to go."

Matt very nearly asked how the man knew who she was, but then realised it would have been a stupid question.

"Let me talk to her."

Matt made his way over to where Alex was lying and placed his hand on her cheek.

"Alex, please. You have to go to hospital."

Alex glared at him.

"No, Matt."

"Please, love. For me. Just so that I know that you're not seriously hurt."

She was fighting him, but the longer he looked at her, he could see her relenting. He leaned down, kissing her gently.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"I love you," she answered.

He smiled, kissing her again.

"I love you, too."

* * *

"Mr. Smith?"

Matt's head whipped up at the sound of his name, and he stood, facing the doctor.

"Ms. Kingston should be fine, but I really would suggest her seeing someone."

Matt nodded, knowing what he was referring to, but appreciating that he was keeping it vague for the onlookers. He gestured for him to follow, and Matt stepped into an adjoining hallway.

"How do I help her? How do I make her eat?"

"You can't."

"Tell me the names, give me the numbers. Please. I'll do anything. There has to be something."

The doctor shook his head sadly.

"I'm so sorry. But unless she wants to get better, there is nothing you can do."

Matt stared at him silently for a long moment, trying to find some way around the answers he had been given. Surely he couldn't be serious. There had to be something that he could do. This was Alex. His Alex. He couldn't give up on her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm very sorry. She's being released as we speak, so you'll probably want to be there."

Again he nodded, and turned back to the waiting area. Sure enough, Alex was just about through signing paperwork, and he made his way over to her.

"Are you okay?"

She turned at his voice, smiling when she saw him.

"Of course, sweetie. If you don't mind, I would like to get out of here, though."

He watched her carefully for a moment before offering her his hand. He noticed that she moved a bit more slowly than usual, but after her fall, he really couldn't blame her. As soon as they made it to his car, Matt pulled out his phone, punching in numbers. Alex looked curious, but said nothing.

"It's Matt. Yes, we're on our way back to my flat. Okay. I'll tell her. And thank you."

He ended the call and turned to face Alex.

"Karen said to tell you that she loves you."

Alex nodded distractedly, not looking at him. She was staring out the window, her eyes unfocused and unseeing. Matt reached across the seat, taking her hand in his. When she finally looked at him, the complete lack of emotion in her eyes terrified him.

"Are you sure that you're alright?"

A single nod was the only answer.

* * *

Alex sighed, staring down at her arm thoughtfully. There weren't many scars to see, as most of them covered her legs, but she knew that if anyone had looked close enough, they would have seen them. Matt had asked her about them once, but she had avoided him, hoping that he would leave it alone, and somehow, he had. Looking at them now, Alex's fingers ached for a knife, but she forced herself to stay where she was. She hadn't done that since her first marriage had ended. Now, granted, she had very nearly killed herself then, but that wasn't the point.

There was a myriad of thoughts running through her head all at once, and Alex shut her eyes tightly. Nothing she did seemed to make the screaming in her mind stop, and she could feel herself losing her grip on everything. Unable to stand it any longer, she bolted from her position on the bed and grabbed her bag, searching for what she knew was hidden in the very bottom. She'd always known, somehow, that she would come back to this. Always known that she was too weak to give it up entirely.

When her fingers landed on the smooth metal, she could already feel her body calming down. It still wasn't enough. The screaming in her head was still tormenting her. All of the dark thoughts that she had managed to ignore until recently had been magnified, and it wasn't until she dragged the blade over her skin that she finally found what she'd been searching for. Silence. Pure, blissful, wonderful silence.

* * *

 **A/N: That's all for now! Please review!**


	4. Spellbound

**Here's part four. I really hope that some of you are still with me. Please review.**

* * *

When Matt first entered the bathroom, he had only one thing on his mind. His teeth weren't going to brush themselves, and his five o'clock shadow wasn't going to magically disappear. As he reached for his razor, his eyes landed on a small droplet of red on the sink. He frowned. He hadn't cut himself shaving in a long while, and the droplet hadn't even dried yet, so where had it come from? He carefully cleaned it up before leaving the small room, intent on finding Alex. Maybe she'd know.

"Alex?"

There wasn't an answer, and when he rounded the corner, he found her lying on the couch. The jeans she wore fit looser than they had before, and he sighed. Upon closer inspection, he noticed a small patch of dark red on the material. He reached out slowly, shaking her shoulder gently.

"Wake up, Alex."

Her eyes fluttered open, and she smiled.

"Are you okay?"

Alex nodded.

"You're bleeding, love."

She frowned, her eyes widening when she followed his gaze and when he reached for the fabric, she instinctively pulled away.

"Alex, let me see it."

He pulled the fabric back carefully, not wanting to hurt her, and drew in a sharp breath when he saw the long gash running along the length of her calf. He didn't speak, but raised pain filled eyes to hers.

"Why, love?"

She shook her head, and it occurred to him that she hadn't spoken since they had left hospital. He placed his hand on her cheek, willing her to talk to him, but when she pulled away, he felt his heart break. She was pushing him away, denying him any opportunity to help her, and it was killing him.

Alex stood, carefully placing weight on her injured leg, and began walking away. She didn't turn when Matt called her name, and he hesitated only a second before following her. Just inside the doorway to the hall, her legs gave way beneath her, and she collapsed. She hit the ground as if in slow motion, a perfect symphony of pain and fear surrounding her, everything singing in perfect harmony.

Matt was by her side in an instant, lifting her in his arms and placing her carefully on the couch. Her eyes, once so brilliantly green and clear, stared up at him, vague and empty. He took her hand in his, his voice low and urgent.

"Please…please, Alex. You have to let me help you. I don't want to lose you. Don't you see how special and beautiful you are?"

She didn't answer, but her eyes never left him. He didn't know if she was even really looking at him, and he gripped her hand tighter.

"Say something, Kingston. Even if you just scream at me and tell me to go to hell. Even if it's to tell me that you hate me. Say something, please."

Her silence was scaring him, more than her tears ever had, and he kissed her fingertips gently.

"I'm sorry, Matt."

He sighed in relief, raising up to kiss her softly, bringing his free hand up to frame her face.

"I love you so much, Alex. Won't you please let me help you? You don't always have to be so strong. Let me take care of you for once."

Her eyes filled with tears, and when they began to fall, Matt wiped them away with his fingertips.

"Matt?"

"What, love?"

She was silent for a long moment, and he thought she had changed her mind on speaking, when her voice startled him.

"I'm scared."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest and stroked her curls lightly.

"I know. But you don't have to do this alone. I'll do anything in the world to help you."

"I'm so scared," she repeated, her voice breaking.

"I know, love. But I'm here. You're not going to be alone."

He was silent for a moment and then something clicked in his memory. He'd seen the white raised scars covering her skin before, but had never gotten an answer on their origin.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Is that where the scars on your arms and legs came from?"

She nodded against his chest and he tightened his hold on her shaking body.

"When?"

"A long time ago. After…after my first marriage."

He nodded. It all made sense now. She mumbled something against his chest and he pulled back, asking her to repeat it.

"I nearly died the last time."

His own eyes filled with tears and he felt his heart break a bit more for the woman in front of him. She'd been through so much, and somehow had managed to be this incredibly strong and powerful woman. He ran his thumb over her cheek, smiling down at her.

"Why are you smiling?"

He leaned down, kissing her slowly. When he pulled away, he smiled again, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Because I'm so proud of you."

She gave him a small smile and pulled him down to her again, running her hands through his hair. She deepened the kiss, a small gasp escaping her when he moved his lips to her throat, trailing his fingertips lightly over her skin. He stood from his position on his heels, pulling her to her feet. He moved them closer to the bedroom, never breaking the kiss, and when they crashed against the wall, he couldn't really find it in himself to move.

Matt pushed her back against the wall, lifting her slightly off her feet as he did so. Alex's fingers were tangled in his hair, and when she whispered his name, he couldn't stop the low moan that fell from his lips. He knew that they would eventually have to move, but at the moment, he didn't care. He placed his hands on either side of her, effectively keeping her from moving, and placed his lips at her ear.

"Do you have any idea how much you drive me crazy?"

She laughed breathlessly and shook her head. He bit down lightly on her ear, causing her to arch into him, moaning.

"Well, don't worry. I fully intend to demonstrate."

His hands found her hips and guided her backward into the bedroom, kicking the door shut as he moved. When she fell back onto the bed, he was quick to pin her arms above her head, preventing her from touching him, and pinning her with the weight of his own body.

"Do you trust me?"

She nodded, her eyes filled with excitement, and he smiled.

"Good. Just let me know if I hurt you."

Again, she nodded and he captured her lips with his own. Every time she tried to touch him, he applied more pressure to her wrists, holding her firmly in place. His lips just barely ghosted over her own, his free hand playing with her curls, and she sighed in frustration.

"You're not playing fair."

He smirked, nipping at her ear lightly.

"Nope. And I'm not going to start now."

He kept his pace slow, maddeningly slow, and trailed kisses down her body. He stopped just short of where he knew she wanted him, shaking his head when she cried out in disappointment.

"Hush," he said quietly.

"Matt, if you would just—"

"I said, hush. If you can't be quiet on your own, then I'll make you."

She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Matt nodded, and again kissed her throat. He still hadn't released his hold on her wrists and she twisted in his grasp, trying to break free. She moaned when his teeth grazed over her skin, and he frowned.

"Be still and hush," he warned.

Alex nodded, and he slowly relaxed his grip on her wrists.

"I'm going to let go, but if you move, or make a sound, you'll wish you hadn't."

She nodded again, and he slowly fingered the hem of her shirt. As he pushed it upward with one hand, he hooked the other in the waist of her jeans, pulling them off of her thin frame. His hand moved down the length of her legs, never once coming close to where she wanted him, and he smirked. Matt brought his lips to hers at the same time that he brushed his fingertips over her, and she jerked in his arms, her eyes closing. He shook his head and gripped her hips.

"I thought I told you not to move."

Alex sighed, and nodded.

"I'm sorry, love, but I did warn you."

Her eyes widened and he knew that she was running through multiple scenarios in her head, wondering what he was planning. In one swift movement, he had removed the last piece of clothing on her body, and continued his assault. His lips started at her throat, making their slow descent down her body, stopping to take one breast in his mouth. He swirled his tongue, knowing that it was killing her to keep still and fought the urge to smile. He moved his lips down to graze over her hips, feeling the way her body shook and he placed his hands on her hips to keep her in place. His tongue moved just where she wanted him, where she had needed him for so long, and within seconds he had brought her right to the edge, almost but not quite, letting her fall over the edge.

The closer he brought her, the more her body shook under his hands, and he smiled. He knew that she was dying to move, wanting to scream, but he had to admit that she was doing very well at keeping silent and still.

"Matt…"

"Hush."

"Matt, please."

He raised his eyes to look at her, and knew that he couldn't continue to torment her much longer. He paused, moving up her body, and locked his gaze with hers.

"Are you going to keep shutting me out?"

She shook her head, and he frowned.

"Answer me, Alex. Are you going to keep shutting me out?"

"N-no."

"And have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes," she whispered.

He smiled then, leaning down to kiss her. It was long and slow, and when he pulled away, he made his way down her body again. She'd been on edge for so long that it only took a few seconds for her to fall completely over. She couldn't help the way her body shuddered and the scream that fell from her lips. Matt crashed his lips against hers, and ran his fingers through her hair. She smiled up at him, and raised a shaky hand to touch his face gently.

"I love you," he whispered, "so much."

"I love you, too. And I'm sorry."

He waved her apology away, and pulled her into his arms. After a few moments of simply watching her rest against his chest, Matt moved away, smiling.

"I'm going to the kitchen to fix something to eat. Do you want something?"

He could see the fear that flashed in her eyes, and took her hand in his.

"It doesn't have to be anything big, love. Just soup, or maybe a sandwich."

"No sandwich, please. They're too complicated. Too many parts."

"Okay. Soup, then?"

She was silent for a long minute, and she finally nodded.

"Just a little."

He kissed her again before standing. She reached for the silk robe that she kept on the floor by the nightstand, and began wrapping it around herself. Matt paused just before exiting the room, looking at her intently.

"Alex?"

She looked up, her eyes once again the brilliant green that he loved so much.

"I'm so proud of you."

* * *

When Matt returned twenty minutes later, he was carrying a bowl filled with tomato soup and a sandwich. Alex's eyes widened at the sandwich, but when he took it for himself, she visibly relaxed. He offered her the bowl and when she took it, he smiled. She glared at the offending liquid, moving her spoon around the bowl slowly.

"It's okay, Alex. It's just soup."

She nodded, and lifted the spoon to her lips. There wasn't much covering it, just a thin layer, and when she placed the spoon between her lips, she frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

She continued at an unimaginably slow pace, barely covering the spoon each time, and after nearly half an hour, she had hardly made a dent in it at all. She placed the spoon in the bowl, raising her eyes to him.

"I can't do it, Matt. It's too much."

He took the bowl from her, setting in on his nightstand, and took her hands in his own.

"This is good. You're doing really well."

She shook her head, her curls falling over her face.

"This is pathetic," she whispered.

Matt placed his hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him again.

"Come on, Kingston. You've already done more than you thought you could. I'm so proud of you for simply trying."

He hugged her gently, but jumped when his phone rang. Apologising, he stood to answer it, all the while flashing her a smile.

"Oh, hi, Karen. No, you weren't. Let me ask."

He took the phone from his ear and turned back to Alex.

"Do you mind if Karen and Arthur come by?"

Alex shook her head, but in her mind, she was terrified. How much did Arthur know? What would he think of her? How was she supposed to hide any of this? Matt was still speaking to Karen, no longer watching her, and she leaned back against the pillows, closing her eyes. She could do this. She had to.

* * *

 **Reviews make my day, so pretty please?**


	5. Don't Walk Away

**A/N: I apologise so much for the delay. My brother passed away last week, so as you can imagine, I hadn't felt much like writing. I'm back now, though, so here's part five. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Alex quickly dressed in the clothing that Matt had carelessly tossed aside when he had pulled it from her body and began fidgeting nervously. If Arthur knew as much as Karen, she wondered what he must think of her. How weak she must seem to him. If he didn't know, then would she be expected to tell him? As it was, she didn't have long to worry. Not fifteen minutes after Matt had hung up the phone, there was a knock at the door.

"Hi, Matt."

"Arthur."

"Hi, Alex," Arthur called, waving.

She smiled and waved back. Karen followed him inside moments later, wrapping her in a hug immediately. She returned the hug, and when she felt Matt's arms encircle her from behind, she instinctively leaned back.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

She nodded, and smiled. He stepped away to offer Karen and Arthur a drink, but he kept his eyes on her. She sat on the couch opposite Arthur and Karen, a smile on her face. She hadn't seen Arthur since filming had wrapped and she had missed him.

"So, Alex…why are you with this loser?"

Alex laughed, glancing over at the man in question.

"Well, he was very persistent. Eventually, it was the only way to shut him up."

Arthur nodded, his eyes searching hers. True, he wasn't as close to her as he was to Matt and Karen, but he cared about her a great deal and didn't want her to be in pain. Karen had warned him that she was sick, but hadn't elaborated. He could see that she was definitely thinner than she had been the last time he'd seen her, but didn't know if he should broach the subject.

"How have you been, Arthur?"

"Fine. Bit bored with the break, but once we start filming again, it'll be great. What about you?"

Alex hesitated before answering, and Matt watched her carefully from the kitchen. She was nervously fidgeting with her hands, and her eyes were looking at anyplace but Arthur.

"I've been okay," she finally answered.

Arthur shook his head.

"Alex. Is there anything going on? Are you sure you're okay?"

Her eyes snapped up to his before standing abruptly.

"I'm fine, Arthur. Please, excuse me."

She didn't wait for a response, and Matt decided that it would be better to let her go. She closed the bedroom door behind her and slid the lock in place.

"What did I say?" Arthur asked.

Matt shook his head apologetically.

"Nothing. She's not…she's not doing well."

Arthur nodded, waiting for him to continue. Matt paused, glancing at his locked bedroom door before speaking again.

"Karen has told you?"

"I told him that Alex was sick. I didn't say with what," Karen answered quietly.

"She's not just sick. She's dying."

* * *

Arthur's eyes widened, and Karen whipped her head around to face him, fear in her eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.

Matt sighed.

"Did you notice how thin she is? And that she was wearing long sleeves?"

Arthur nodded, still trying to wrap his head around this information.

"She's been very ill for a very long time. I didn't notice that she'd gotten worse because she'd gotten so good at hiding it."

"Hiding what?"

"She doesn't eat. Or when she does, she throws it all back up. She'd been doing really well for years, but she's slipped back into it. Now she's so far back, she doesn't want to get out. She's already had to go to hospital once just since I've been with her. Karen, you were here the day she collapsed on the stairs."

Karen nodded, and Matt tried to ignore the tears in her eyes. If he started to cry, he wouldn't be able to stop.

"And the long sleeves? What's that about?" Arthur asked.

"She's been….well, there are two reasons. One is very simple. She's lost so much weight that she's constantly cold. The other….she's been…" Matt trailed off, unsure of how to answer.

He was silent for a moment. He didn't think he could bring himself to say it. It was such an ugly thing to say out loud. Instead, he held out his wrist, using the opposite index finger to slide across his skin in a cutting motion. Arthur was silent, staring at his wrist, and Karen closed her eyes and turned away.

"Oh, Matt…no."

Matt nodded, running his hand over his face. He couldn't ignore the burning of the tears in his eyes any longer, and a few of them slipped before he could stop them. Karen stood from her seat and wrapped him in her arms, her tears falling on the top of his head. After a few moments, he was able to compose himself, inhaling deeply.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't want you to see this."

"Is there anything we can do?"

Matt turned to Arthur, looking so much older than twenty-nine, his expression unreadable.

"I don't know."

"Are you all through talking about me like I don't exist?"

All of them jumped at the sound of Alex's voice, and Matt stood quickly, nearly falling in his haste to be near her. Pain and anger radiated from her body, and he gently reached out to take her hand. She allowed it, but he knew that it was taking serious effort not to pull her hand out of his grasp. He looked at her, locking his eyes with hers, pleading with her to understand.

"We want to help you, Alex. This is so dangerous, and I don't want to lose you. And Salome. What about her? Have you forgotten her?"

"How dare you?" she whispered dangerously, "Of course I haven't forgotten my own daughter."

"Then don't let the illness win. You can beat this. I know you can. You're the strongest person I've ever met."

Alex never once looked away, but silent tears began falling from her eyes. Matt pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms protectively around her, and kissed her hair.

"He's keeping Salome for another year," Alex murmured.

Matt pulled back to look at her, his eyes worried.

"Why?"

Alex sniffed, wiping her tears away with a shaking hand.

"School. I understand why, but I was really looking forward to seeing her more."

"Alex, I'm sorry."

She turned to Karen, smiling gratefully. Arthur slowly made his way toward her, watching her carefully.

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

She was silent for a moment before answering.

"I don't know. I mean…I don't even remember how to not be this way."

"We can help you remember. We're not going to let you go without a fight."

He glanced at Matt, a question in his eyes.

"Permission to hug?"

"Granted."

Arthur wrapped Alex in his arms, his lips close to her ear.

"Alex, we love you. And no one of us loves you more than Matt. I know that you don't think you deserve it, but we're going to make sure you get better. We're not giving up on you, so don't give up on yourself."

Alex nodded, and he kissed her gently on the cheek. Matt had heard most of what he'd said and spun him around, hugging him tightly.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Arthur nodded, smiling. Karen had been silent during most of this, but now she spoke up, her voice thick with emotion.

"We all love you, Alex. So much. Don't ever think that you don't matter. We would be devastated if something happened to you."

Arthur returned to his seat next to his television wife and Matt sat down on the couch, motioning for Alex to join him. She hesitated for only a moment before sitting down, and when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, she visibly relaxed. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he drew small circles on her arm with his fingertips. Arthur and Karen watched the scene before them, both marveling at the amount of love between their friends.

Alex leaned into Matt's chest, her eyes closing and after a few moments, she had fallen asleep. They kept their conversation quiet, none of them wanting to wake her, and Matt smiled down at the woman in his arms.

"You really love her, don't you?" Arthur asked.

Matt nodded, smiling.

"Yes. I never thought that she would even look my way, though."

"Why not? You're a great guy, Matt. Alex sees that, even if you don't, and she loves you."

Matt smiled at Karen's words, and absently wrapped one of Alex's curls around his finger. He kissed the top of her head lightly before standing. He carefully picked her up and made his way to the bedroom. When he returned, Karen and Arthur were looking at him seriously, and he frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Matt, we really think that Alex needs professional help. She could die."

He nodded slowly, and sighed. He knew that they were probably right, but he also knew that Alex would never agree. Karen and Arthur watched him carefully, both noting how tired he looked. It was obvious that this was taking a toll on him, but he didn't want to admit it.

"You need to take care of yourself too, Matt."

"I've got to save her."

"You're of no use to Alex if you get sick yourself."

His eyes betrayed the depth of his exhaustion, and he nodded again. Karen stood, glancing at Arthur pointedly.

"Get some rest, Matt. Let us know if you need anything. Even if it's just to talk."

They both made their way to the door, and when they had gone, Matt slumped back against the back of the couch. His eyes closed and before he knew what had happened, he had fallen asleep.

* * *

From the moment Alex opened her eyes, she knew something was wrong. Her head was pounding, and she was freezing. She attempted to raise up from her position, but her body refused to cooperate. Unsure now of what to do, she closed her eyes, hoping that the spinning in her head would subside soon. Though she heard Matt enter the room, she didn't move, opting instead to lay in silence.

"Alex? Are you awake?"

She didn't answer him in words, but she opened her eyes slowly. Matt sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair lightly. As soon as he made contact with her skin, he pulled back, his eyes wide.

"You're burning up, love."

She looked at him with glazed eyes, and reached for his hand. He took it gently in his own and she tried to speak.

"I'm cold."

He kissed her hand and smiled.

"That's because you have a fever. Do you want anything? Is there any way I can help?"

"May I have a glass of water?"

He nodded, kissing her forehead and standing. She smiled weakly, and her eyes slipped closed. When he returned, she was sleeping, and he didn't have it in his heart to wake her. He set the glass of water on the nightstand, and began backing out of the room silently.

"Matt?" Alex's voice was raspy and so quiet he almost didn't hear her.

"What, love?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Matt frowned, looking at her, confused.

"What?"

"Taking care of me."

Matt approached her slowly, taking her thin hand in his.

"Because I love you. I'm always going to take care of you."

"I don't deserve it."

Matt shook his head, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Yes, you do. And even if you didn't, I'm doing it anyway."

She smiled, her skin paler than fresh snow. She was beginning to fall asleep again, and Matt stroked her hair gently.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Kingston. Now, get some sleep before I have to tie you to the bed."

"Hmm…that could be interesting," Alex murmured softly.

"Spoilers."

Alex smiled and before she could articulate a response, she had fallen asleep. Matt watched her for a moment before standing, and when he left the room, he frowned. Normally, Alex being ill wouldn't have worried him this much, but he knew that she wasn't as strong as she had been before. What if her body couldn't fight off the infection the way it needed to?

He supposed he should give it a while before properly freaking out, but he couldn't help the nagging feeling that this was very serious. Sighing, he sat down on the couch, flipping on the television. As he had expected, there was nothing of interest that he wanted to watch, but still he kept it on, hoping the noise would distract him. He was exhausted, and though he knew he shouldn't, he laid back on the couch, closing his eyes. Just for a moment.

* * *

When Matt's eyes opened next, he was hit with an overwhelming feeling of disorientation. He had no clue what time it was, or in fact, even what day. A quick glance at his watch told him that it had only been a few hours since he'd fallen asleep, but he mentally kicked himself. He'd only meant to close his eyes for a few minutes. He stood up and made his way into the hall bathroom, glancing up at his reflection. His hair was a mess, but he really couldn't be bothered to fix it.

He quickly washed his hands and made a swift turn into the bedroom, hoping that Alex was feeling somewhat better. When he didn't see her, he frowned. He supposed she could have been in the kitchen, but it didn't seem likely. Just as he was about to leave, he heard it. A low retching sound coming from the bathroom connected to his room, and he pushed open the door. Sure enough, Alex was leaning over the bowl, her face pale and her body shaking. She looked up when he stepped into the room and sighed.

"Still not feeling well, love?" he asked conversationally.

She sent him a glare that only made him smile. He hated seeing her like this, but he was going to do everything he could to lighten the mood. He knelt down behind her, sweeping her hair into his hands and placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"Matt, you should go. You don't need to be here for—"

She stopped speaking and leaned forward again as another wave of nausea hit her. When she finally stopped, Matt reached over to fill the small cup he kept on the sink and handed it to her. She rinsed out her mouth and smiled at him gratefully.

"Thank you," she whispered hoarsely.

Matt rubbed soothing circles on her back and she closed her eyes wearily. She wasn't able to stay still long, and when she finally sank back against his chest, her entire frame shaking, Matt frowned.

"We should take you to hospital."

Alex shook her head.

"No. Please. I just want to sleep."

He knew Alex hated hospitals, but he couldn't help feeling worried. He stood, holding out his hand. She grasped it tightly, but as soon as she tried to take a step, she collapsed in his arms. He hooked his arm under her legs and cradled her against his chest. Again, he was alarmed at how light she felt in his arms, and she was still shaking like mad.

When he placed her on the bed, she grabbed his hand, her eyes searching his frantically. He kept his gaze on hers, and when she spoke, she was embarrassed to hear a tremor in her voice.

"Please don't leave."

"I won't. I'll stay right here. I promise."

She seemed to calm down somewhat at his words, but it wasn't until he pulled her into his body and held her that she truly relaxed. He kissed her throat lightly, and within minutes, both had fallen into fast, if not restful, sleep.

* * *

Alex opened her eyes slowly, her head no longer pounding. She turned her head slightly and smiled when she saw Matt sleeping next to her. His hair fell over his face, and she gently smoothed it back, placing a light kiss on his forehead. He stirred slightly at her touch, and she pulled back, not wanting to wake him.

She was just about to settle back down in his arms when he shifted again, murmuring her name. Frowning, she leaned closer to him, waiting to see if he would wake. Her name fell from his lips again and she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Alex….sorry."

Again, she frowned. What was he dreaming about? She couldn't think of anything that he needed to apologise for. He whispered her name again, and she kissed his hair lightly.

"Matt, wake up."

He moaned softly, and she sighed.

"Matt, please wake up."

His eyes slowly opened, and when they landed on her, she smiled. She continued to run her fingers through his hair, and he took her other hand in his own.

"What's wrong, sweetie? You were talking in your sleep."

Matt frowned, looking at her carefully.

"What did I say?"

"Just my name. And that you were sorry. What were you dreaming of?"

He didn't answer right away, and she kept her hand entangled in his hair. She could see that he was thinking, but she didn't want to push him.

"I—I lost you. I wasn't able to save you, and you were gone. Everyone blamed me, though, because I wasn't strong enough to help you."

She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes, and she sighed.

"Matt…I'm so sorry."

The loud knock at the front door startled them both, and Alex jumped. When she stood to answer it, black shadows danced in front of her eyes, and she swayed slightly on her feet. The feeling passed after a few moments, and she glanced back to see if Matt had noticed. She smiled when she saw him sleeping again, and shook her head, going to answer the door.

* * *

She didn't know what to expect when she opened the door, but Arthur standing on the other side wasn't one of them. He very rarely visited, and when he did, Karen was usually with him. Her face must have conveyed her shock, and he nodded in greeting.

"Arthur. Is something wrong?"

"Can I come in?"

She nodded, stepping back to give him room to enter. After she closed the door, she turned to find Arthur watching her with a hard look in his eyes.

"Matt's asleep, do you want me to wake him?"

His head shook.

"Nope. I want to talk to you."

She frowned. He was being much colder than she'd ever seen, much colder than she'd even thought possible, and sat down on the couch opposite him.

"Alex, I love you. You know that. I'd do anything in the world for you. But I can't watch you do this anymore. You're killing yourself, and if that's not enough, you're killing Matt. He loves you more than anything in the world, and watching you self-destruct is torturing him. You're not a selfish person, I know you. So please, for God's sake, just get help. Talk to someone. Go to hospital if necessary, but do something. If you care about him at all, do something."

She'd been silent during everything he'd said, but now she stood, her eyes filled with angry tears.

"How can you say that? You know how much I love Matt. You know how much I hate hurting him. But it's not that simple. It's not like deciding what colour shoes to wear or what to watch on the telly. If I could change it that easily, I would. You think I don't know how much this is hurting him? I see it every time he touches me, every time he looks at me. But it's not that simple."

"Then try harder!" he shouted, for once losing his calm demeanor, "I don't care what it takes. Put down the knife, stop carving into your skin like it's a Christmas turkey. Stop throwing up the little food you eat, eat something, even if it's just toast. You can't keep doing this, Alex. You're going to die, and if that happens, so will he."

She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off, his voice still much too loud in the surrounding silence.

"If you take two of my best mates away from me Alex, I will never forgive you. Don't you see how selfish this is? That's not you, I know it isn't, so just stop acting like a scared little girl—"

"Arthur, stop. You've said enough."

Alex turned at the sound of Matt's voice, and a small sob escaped her. He put his hand on her shoulder and fixed his co-star with a look of hard determination.

"Matt, I'm sorry mate, I wasn't trying—"

"I know. You meant well, but please don't shout at Alex. Especially not in my flat. I think you should go."

Arthur nodded and glanced at Alex slowly.

"I'm sorry, Alex."

He didn't wait for her reply, and when he shut the door behind him, Matt turned Alex to face him, wrapping her in his arms.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

She nodded against his chest.

"He shouldn't have said those things to you."

"He's right," Alex murmured, "Everything he said was true."

She pulled away from him, wiping her eyes roughly, and sat down on the couch again. She was silent for a long moment before she raised her head to look at him.

"Matt, is there any bread here?"

Matt frowned.

"I think so. Why?"

She was fidgeting with her hands again, a sure sign that she was nervous, and sighed.

"I want toast."

He laughed though it wasn't funny and came to sit next to her.

"What?"

"Toast," she repeated, "You know, bread…toasted…sometimes topped with butter or jelly? Arthur mentioned toast, and it sounds really good."

"Would you like me to make you some?"

He watched her carefully, studying her face to see what emotions passed through her eyes. Confusion, fear, pain, anger, and one that he wasn't sure he could identify. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he thought it could have been hope.

"Please," she finally answered.

He didn't waste a second. Minutes later, he returned with a plate of toasted bread with the thinnest layer of butter possible. He knew she would have probably preferred to have them plain, but he knew that dry toast could be a bit uncomfortable to swallow. She took the plate from him slowly, her eyes widening at the four pieces, and he reached to take her hand, kneeling in front of her.

"Take it slow, love. You don't have to rush."

She reached for a piece of the bread, and Matt was painfully aware of just how much her hand was shaking. She didn't stop, however, and when she placed the bread to her lips, he found himself holding his breath. She ate slowly, slower than he'd ever thought possible, and when she had finished all but one piece of toast, she passed him the plate.

"I can't do it. It's too much."

He set the plate on the table behind him and framed her face with his hands, smiling.

"Alex, look. You've done so well. You ate something other than soup, and I know it was really hard, but you did it. I'm so proud of you."

"I feel so disgusting," she whispered.

"No, love. There is no way. You have no idea how wrong you are."

As he leaned in to kiss her, Alex found herself wondering if maybe she could be the person Matt saw when he looked at her. Maybe she could get better. She quickly pushed the thoughts from her mind, however, as she felt the uncomfortable feeling of fullness set in. As much as it would hurt him, she knew that she had to keep going. He didn't really want her to gain weight. He was a man. He wanted a thin pretty girl like Karen. She decided she'd just have to do everything she could to become thin and pretty. Then he would stay. That was all that mattered. She just couldn't lose him.

* * *

 **A/N: Don't hate me! I swear, I didn't intend to end it like this. It just kind of happened. Anyway, I really hope you'll review. I love reading your feedback.**


	6. Real World

**A/N: Well, here it is, my lovelies! I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

The long sleeves of her coat weren't enough. Alex shivered as she ran a brush through her untamable curls and sighed. Glancing down, she noticed that the varnish on her nails was chipping and she made a mental note to re-polish them as soon as possible. She couldn't have Matt noticing that something was off about her nails, though she did have to admit that the tinge of blue was a bit unsettling, even to her.

"Alex, are you almost ready?"

She applied her lipstick as quickly as her shaking hands would allow and fixed a smile on her face. Stepping out of the bathroom, she was greeted with a truly breathtaking sight. Matt stood before her in a suit, complete with his now-signature bowtie, and she nodded in approval. Her eyes travelled up and down his body and when he noticed her looking, he couldn't stop the light blush that crept into his cheeks.

"Do I pass inspection?" he asked, his voice a bit breathless.

"Definitely," she murmured in a low voice that momentarily caused his mind to stop, "Top marks."

He stepped away from her, holding her at arm's length to look at her. He gently pushed her long coat from her shoulders to admire the dress clinging to her body. She'd chosen it very carefully, a rich purple colour that in some lights looked nearly indigo, and that accentuated her green eyes beautifully. A slight beading on the top of the dress drew the eye, and the tight fit made her feel sexy. Matt's eyes roamed over her body shamelessly and she smiled.

"Do you approve?"

He nodded, pulling her close to him, his lips gazing her throat.

"Very much so. Even so, I can't wait to get this off of you. It will look much better that way."

Alex smirked and stepped back.

"This was your idea, sweetie. We can always stay in."

Matt shook his head vehemently.

"Not a chance, Kingston. It's your birthday. We're celebrating."

Alex smiled at his enthusiasm, but it didn't reach her eyes. Matt frowned, taking her hand in his.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just…I'm forty-nine, Matt. I'll be fifty next year."

"And? You don't look it. You look like you're my age. I don't think anyone is going to think otherwise, especially not in that dress. You're beautiful. You are the sexiest woman I've ever seen, Alex."

He leaned down to kiss her lightly, and tapped her nose.

"Now, come along, Kingston! I believe I owe you dinner."

Alex shook her head, smiling.

"I'd rather skip the main course and go to dessert."

Matt didn't reply. He handed her the coat he had dropped to the floor and pushed her gently to the door. That woman….he shook his head to clear it. He was very tempted to take her up on her offer right then. When she spoke in that low voice….damn it, her voice did things to him that shouldn't be possible.

* * *

She was uncomfortable. He could see it in the way she was looking around and in the way her hands moved. Not that he could blame her. They'd been recognised as soon as they'd entered and while most of the other diners had kept their distance, Matt couldn't ignore the way their waiter had been staring at Alex all night.

"Is there anything else I can get for you?"

Alex mutely shook her head, but Matt was growing increasingly agitated.

"No," he answered shortly, "No, thank you."

Alex glanced over at him worriedly, but wisely waited until they were alone before speaking.

"What's wrong?"

"He keeps staring at you."

Alex frowned, her eyes puzzled.

"Who does?"

Matt gestured in the direction that their waiter had gone.

"That waiter. He's been watching you all night."

Alex laughed lightly and then it was Matt's turn to frown. What was so funny?

"I hadn't noticed."

"Then…what's wrong, love? You're nervous about something."

Alex watched him for a moment. She didn't answer him in words, but when she reached across the table to grab a piece of bread, she looked pointedly at her own arm. Matt followed her gaze and noticed the red cuts on her arm, the colour standing out brilliantly against the white of her skin. She placed the bread on her plate, but he knew that she'd never planned to eat it. It had simply been a way to show him without anyone else noticing. Very clever, his Alex.

"Right. I didn't think. I'm sorry, love."

She shook her head, waving away his apology.

"Do you want to leave?"

She didn't answer, but she didn't need to. He could see the answer in her eyes, and as much as he didn't want to deal with the man again, Matt signaled their waiter to bring their check. Alex began to protest, saying urgently that she didn't want to ruin his beautiful birthday plans, but he smiled at her reassuringly.

"You're not ruining anything, love. We can always come back if you want."

After they had paid, Matt helped her from her chair and they made their way to the door. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex could see their waiter watching them, and before they reached the exit, she stopped walking. Matt turned at her lack of movement and she pulled him to her. His hands automatically found her hips and when she kissed him, one of them wound into her hair. They broke apart, and Matt placed his lips at her ear.

"What are you doing? I thought you didn't want anyone to know."

Alex smiled up at him and kissed him again, threading her fingers through his hair. When he was looking into her eyes again, she glanced in the direction of their former table. Again, he followed her gaze and noticed the man who had waited on them staring with an expression that crossed between hatred and jealousy. Matt smirked and pulled her to the door.

"You are evil, Alex Kingston," he whispered.

She laughed and threw one last glance over her shoulder, waving at their former waiter. Matt followed her outside, shaking his head and laughing. She never ceased to amaze him. His mad impossible Alex. He just hoped she wouldn't regret her decision.

* * *

The ringing of his phone startled him awake, but he refused to answer it. He was too comfortable, too wrapped up, literally and figuratively, in Alex and his bedsheets, and he just simply didn't want to move. It finally stopped ringing, and Alex turned in his arms to face him. It was at times like these, in the early hours of the morning sun, with her hair a mess and makeup free, that she looked absolutely breathtaking. He smiled slightly before closing his eyes again, burying his head into her shoulder.

"You probably should have answered that," she mumbled, still half asleep.

He shrugged in response and pulled her closer. She rested her chin on top of his head and let sleep reclaim her again. It was a short lived sleep for them both as his phone began ringing minutes later. Matt groaned and rolled over on his back, glaring at the device on the nightstand. When it became clear that he wasn't going to answer it, Alex leaned over him and grabbed it.

"Hello?"

She was lying half on top of him, and he ran his fingertips lightly over her back and he half-listened to her side of the conversation. When she swatted his hands away and sat up suddenly, he was very aware of the lack of body heat and his eyes snapped open.

"You're sure?" her voice was soft, almost as if she didn't have the strength to speak louder.

Matt watched her worriedly as she bolted from the bed, grabbing her silk bathrobe from the floor. She flew into the living room, switching on the television, flipping through the channels quickly. Matt followed as fast as he could, fully awake now, and took the phone from her hand.

"Hello?"

"Matt! Where have you been? Have you seen the news? Is Alex okay?"

Karen's voice was frantic, and he had to stop her so that he could process all of her questions. Alex was staring at the screen, transfixed, and when she saw what she was waiting for, she grabbed Matt's arm tightly, pointing.

" _Some of you Doctor Who fans will find this interesting. Twenty-nine-year-old star Matt Smith was seen sharing a not-so-secret kiss with his co-star, Alex Kingston. Not that this is much of a surprise, given their chemistry on-screen. The real surprise comes from these disturbing marks seen here on Kingston's arm."_

As they watched, the camera showed a clear shot of the kiss they had shared in the restaurant the previous night, and both Matt and Alex were horrified to discover that the fresh scars on her arm were indeed clearly visible. Alex placed her head in her hands, but when the announcer began speaking again, she forced herself to watch.

 _"There has been speculation on the state of Kingston's health in recent months due to her rapid weight loss, and now this. Obviously, there are a number of reasons that this could have happened, but unfortunately none of them are good. Neither Smith nor Kingston have chosen to comment, but we can only hope that this is a result of some sort of accident."_

Matt could hear Karen on the line, but he couldn't get his vocal chords to work. Without really meaning to, he hung up the phone and sat next to Alex, placing his hand on her shoulder.

"Alex?"

"What are we going to do, Matt?"

Her voice was a whisper, and when he looked down, he could see the fear radiating from her entire body. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple gently.

"We'll figure this out. At least people know about us now."

He knew that she didn't really care about their relationship being public, but he was trying to think of anything possible to distract her from her rapidly growing panic.

"What if I lose my job, Matt?"

Matt shook his head.

"Not going to happen. They'd never fire River Song."

Alex sighed, running her fingers through her hair slowly. Matt placed another kiss on her temple and when Alex's own phone rang, they both jumped.

"Hello?"

"Alex, it's Steven."

Alex's heart sank. She knew that this would happen. She blindly reached for Matt, and when her fingers found his, he thought she was going to cut off the circulation in his hand.

"I just saw the news segment."

Alex sighed in defeat, knowing that her time had come to an end. Still, she supposed it'd been a good run.

"Are you okay? Is there anything we can do to help you?"

"W-what?"

"Everyone is very worried about you. Is there any way we can help?"

"You mean…you're not sacking me?"

Steven laughed on the other end of the line, and Alex loosened her deathlike grip on Matt's hand. She'd never heard such a beautiful sound as his laugh right then.

"Of course not. We just want to help. Please. Let us know if there's a way. Oh, and congratulations to you and Matt."

Thanking him profusely, Alex barely managed to get off the phone without dissolving into tears. Matt gathered her in his arms and when she began sobbing in earnest, he gently wiped her tears away with his fingers.

"It'll be okay, love. We'll get through this. I promise."

She nodded, tears still falling at a rapid pace. Matt stood, pulling her with him, and led her back to the bedroom. Now that they knew what had been so important, it was time to sleep again. He didn't know about Alex, but he definitely needed to sleep this off. Things would look better once they woke again.

* * *

When Matt opened his eyes, he was surprised by the pain in his chest. He frowned, attempting to move and it was only then that he was able to place what was causing him so much pain. Alex, wrapped in his arms, was sleeping soundly, but her shoulder was resting uncomfortably against his chest. He shifted slightly, and when his hands made contact with Alex's shoulder, his frown deepened.

How had he not noticed this? How could he have not seen the sharp angles of her body, the way her skin had tightened even more around her bones? He knew she hadn't eaten much last night, but he hadn't wanted to press her on her birthday. On impulse, he pulled the sheet back, examining her body carefully. He could clearly see the outline of her ribcage, and her hipbones were like twin toy hatchets. She was very cold to the touch, and thoroughly alarmed now, he shook her lightly in an attempt to wake her.

"Matt, what's wrong?"

"Alex…"

He couldn't do it. He couldn't make his voice form any words other than her name. She looked at him dazedly, sitting up slowly. He continued to stare at her, his eyes filling with tears and she moved closer.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh God, Alex…."

His voice broke on her name, and he closed his eyes, unable to look at her any longer. She placed a cold hand on his shoulder and he moved to kneel in front of her, grasping her hands in a desperate attempt to warm them. She was beyond confused, and he willed himself to find the words to speak.

"What do I have to do? How can I get you to eat? I'll make you anything. I know I'm not the best cook in the world, but I'll learn. Your favourite thing. Anything you want. Please, Alex. Please."

Alex was silent, wanting to reassure him that she was perfectly fine, but not knowing how. She hated seeing him so upset, but she didn't have the faintest idea of how to help him.

"Matt, I—"

"How did I not see it? I should have done something before it got this bad. This is my fault. I'm so sorry, Alex. I failed you."

She stood slowly, pulling on her clothes as she went, and sat next to him. She didn't know when he'd dressed, but she didn't want to be the only one without clothing. Besides that, she was absolutely freezing.

"You haven't done anything wrong."

"Yes, I have."

She'd never heard him sound so broken, and she reached out to run her fingers through his hair. Alex's phone rang, and before she stood to answer it, she gave him a soft kiss and a warm smile. He didn't return the smile.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mummy."

"Hello, darling. How are you? I miss you so much."

"I'm okay. I miss you, too. When can I come see you? Daddy says I have to wait until school is over, but I don't want to."

Alex laughed at the petulant tone of her daughter's voice.

"I know, but you have to listen to your daddy."

She could practically see her pouting and fought down another wave of laughter.

"Mummy, are you sick?"

"No," Alex frowned, "Why would you think that, darling?"

"You were on the news. Daddy told Grandmummy that you looked like you were sick. He said he was going to call you and make sure, but I wanted to talk to you first."

"Okay, well…I'm fine. Salome, put your Daddy on. I want to talk to him."

"Okay. I love you, Mummy. And I miss you."

Alex felt the tears that had been building in her eyes spill over at the words. She missed her so much.

"I love and miss you too, Salome."

There was a slight pause and then Alex was greeted by the voice of her ex-husband.

"Something is wrong with you, Alex."

It wasn't a question, and she frowned. Who did he think he was to tell her how she felt? True, she'd been much colder than usual lately, but that was because it was March. She was so caught up in her indignation that she didn't even realise that Florian had begun speaking again.

"Sorry?"

"I said, so you're with Smith now?"

"Yes."

"I hope he makes you happy. But, please take care of yourself. You can deny it all you want, but there's something wrong."

"Florian, I have to go."

Without waiting for his reply, she hung up, her phone dropping out of her hand. Matt was no longer in the room, and she stood quickly, hoping to find him nearby. When she entered the hallway, she could hear him in the living room, and called his name softly. He didn't answer, and she continued walking, pointedly ignoring the black shadows swirling in her vision.

There was a tightening in her chest, and she paused just outside the living room to catch her breath. Matt still hadn't looked her way, and she doubted if he even realised she was standing there. She took a hesitant step and the feeling in her chest became almost unbearable. She forced her eyes open and found Matt was almost to the kitchen now. Unable to speak, she lifted her hand and pushed the small candle on the table in front of her to the floor.

"Matt…"

He turned at the sound and when he took in her white face and laboured breathing, he ran to her. He wasn't quick enough, however, and the last thing her eyes saw was Matt's form leaning over her, calling her name desperately as she hit the floor.

* * *

Matt wasn't normally one to sit still, but he found that he just simply couldn't move. He'd been in the waiting area for hours now, and had hardly moved at all, save to make the few phone calls he'd needed. A light hand on his shoulder caused him to look up, and when he saw Karen and Arthur standing next to him, he stood, wrapping his arms around the redhead.

"Matt, what happened?"

"She…she had a heart attack. She's dying, Kaz. I don't know what to do. She won't let me help her, and now…"

"She'll make it, mate. Alex isn't a quitter. She's strong."

Matt turned to Arthur, smiling weakly.

"I...I can't lose her. I love her. She's all I have."

"Mr. Smith?"

Matt turned at the sound of his name, and found Alex's doctor standing next to him.

"Yes?"

"She's awake, and asking to see you. There's something you should know, however. If she doesn't make every effort to recover, she _will_ die."

Matt paled.

"How long?"

"Two weeks. Maybe."

"Can we see her?" Arthur asked softly.

The doctor nodded.

"Normally, we only allow two visitors in the room at one time, but in this case, we'll make an exception."

Matt didn't wait to be told twice. He took off in the direction of Alex's room, not even bothering to spare a glance for the people he had left behind.

Her eyes never changed. They still lit up every time she saw him, and they still followed his every move. So much about her physical form had changed, but her eyes remained constant. Today was no different.

"Matt, I need—"

He placed his finger on her lips and when he was sure she wasn't going to interrupt, he moved.

"Alex, please. You've got to do something. If you don't, you're going to die."

"I'm not going to die, I—"

"Two weeks!" he shouted, not caring if anyone heard, "That's how much time they're giving you. Two weeks, unless you really try to get better."

Alex's eyes widened and he could see that she was trying to comprehend what he'd said. He took her hand in his, and stroked the back with his thumb. He could see every vein in her thin hand, and he rubbed it between his own to try to warm it.

"Two weeks?" she whispered finally.

"Yes."

"I—I can't die. I never meant for it to go this far. I can't."

He never let go of her hand, but he saw out of the corner of his eye when Karen and Arthur entered.

"You can do this, love. I know you can. I'm not going to give up on you."

She buried her head in his chest, her thin fingers grasping the fabric of his shirt as tightly as she could.

"Matt, I'm so scared," she sobbed.

He kissed her hair gently.

"I know."

Standing by the door, Karen and Arthur exchanged a glance. They wanted to be there for their friends, but they didn't want to intrude on this private moment. Matt gestured for them to approach and when he gently pulled away from Alex, he smiled at her.

"Hey, Kaz and Arthur came to see you."

Alex smiled weakly at them and turned to Arthur, her expression unreadable.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur. I should have listened to you."

He smiled, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Just hurry up and get better. Someone needs to keep Matt's arse in line."

Alex laughed, nodding slowly. When Karen leaned down to wrap her in her arms, she leaned close, whispering in Alex's ear. Whatever she'd said had made Alex tear up, but she smiled as she settled back against her pillows. Matt watched her carefully, studying her eyes.

"Matt, we're going to go. Alex, we'll be back soon."

They both nodded in unison, and once the doors closed behind Karen and Arthur, Matt brought his lips to hers in a gentle kiss.

"You can do this, love."

She nodded through her tears, her eyes never leaving his. He kissed her again, harder this time, and when they broke apart, he held her head against his chest tightly.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

When the nurse looked in on them hours later, both were sleeping soundly, Matt's head resting gently on the side of the bed, and Alex's fingers resting in his hair.

* * *

Hours later or days later, Alex never knew which, she found herself being released from hospital, clinging to Matt's arm like a lifeline. As soon as they had made it to his car, he swept her into his arms and kissed her like his life depended on it. It had been so long since he'd been able to kiss her properly, and he hadn't realised how much he'd missed it.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you," he said softly.

Alex weakly reached up to brush his hair from his face and smiled. Even the smallest movement seemed to exhaust her, and she sighed.

"I've missed you, too."

He placed her gently on the seat of the car, and bolted around to the other side, not wanting to leave her alone for too long. When he threw himself onto the seat next to her, she laughed gently.

"In a hurry, sweetie?"

He nodded, kissing her hand. Though he was driving, he occasionally snuck a glance over at her, noting how quiet she was being. He knew that she was scared, hell he was terrified himself, but he wanted her to at least speak to him. Her eyes lit up at the sight of his flat, and he smiled. He had debated on taking her to her own flat, but he didn't think that she would want to be alone. When they finally made it through his front door, he placed her gently on the couch and knelt in front of her, seeking out her eyes.

"Would you like something to eat? Or tea? I can make you some tea."

She was silent for a moment.

"A sandwich, maybe?"

He knew how big of a step it was for her to ask for a sandwich, considering how complicated they seemed to be for her. He kissed her before standing and walking to the kitchen, looking back every few steps. He didn't want to let her out of his sight, not even for a moment. He'd come so close to losing her, and they still weren't out of the woods yet.

It occurred to him that he hadn't asked her what type of sandwich she wanted, but when he looked around, he saw that it didn't matter. There was only a bit of sliced turkey in the refrigerator, and he sighed. He really did need to go shopping. He finished the sandwich, leaving it plain, and made his way slowly to the living room. Alex looked up when he entered, and smiled weakly.

"I'm sorry. All I have is turkey. I didn't put anything else on it, because I didn't want to overwhelm you, but if you want cheese, or—"

"Matt," Alex interrupted him gently, "it's fine. This is perfectly fine. Thank you."

He nodded and handed her the plate. He could see the fear in her eyes, and he sat down next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Do you want me to leave?"

She shook her head before lifting her hand to pick up the sandwich. She pulled the bread apart, putting a thin slice of turkey between her fingers, holding it as if it were made of glass. She finally raised it to her lips and Matt watched her with bated breath. She ate slowly, as seemed to be her pattern, but somewhat faster than usual. She stopped halfway through, however, and looked at him with tear filled eyes.

"I can't do it, Matt."

He took her hand gently, kissing her fingers.

"Yes, you can. I'm right here, you're not alone. You can do this, Alex. I know you can. Show that bitch of an eating disorder that you're stronger than it is."

Her head shook, and the tears began slipping down her face. He wiped them away with his fingertips and when she finally calmed down, he kissed her cheek.

"Come on, love. You're almost finished. You can do this."

She sighed and nodded determinedly. As she began to eat again, Matt knew that he had never been, nor would he ever be, more proud of her than he was in that moment. Alex finally finished her sandwich, and as soon as she set the plate aside, Matt leaned forward, kissing her properly.

"What was that for?"

"I'm so proud of you."

Alex frowned.

"Why?"

"Because…you've come so far. You're doing really well. Pretty soon, you'll be back to being the amazing woman that I love."

"Are you saying I'm not now?"

Matt quickly backpedaled, not noticing the slight smile on her face or the teasing tone in her voice.

"Of course you are, but I just meant—"

Alex silenced his protests with her lips and when she pulled back, she smacked his arm lightly.

"I'm only kidding, sweetie."

Matt visibly relaxed, and watched her for a moment before speaking.

"Do you…do you feel okay?"

Alex was quiet for a long minute, and his eyes never left her. The attending physician had told him that the first few months of recovery were critical, and he was terrified that her body wouldn't be able to handle it.

"I think so."

She shook her head slowly, and when she opened her eyes, they were desperate.

"Matt, I think I'm going to be sick."

Without waiting for her to continue, Matt swept her into his arms, bolting for his hall bathroom. He had only just placed her on the floor before she was violently sick. Miraculously, her aim was perfect, and Matt pulled her hair behind her, pretending he didn't notice when pieces of it broke off in his hand.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, her voice raspy.

"It's okay. You have nothing to apologise for, Alex."

He reached up and handed her a cup of mouth rinse, and when she fell back against his chest, he noticed that she was shaking. He kissed the top of her hair lightly, and carried her bridal style to their bedroom.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"I've been thinking…and you don't have to answer now, but…would you like to live here? With me?"

He was busy looking for the blanket that he knew was somewhere in the room, and so he missed the bright smile that crossed Alex's face at his question.

"Do you mean it?"

"Of course," he called from the closet, "I've never been more serious."

"I'd love to."

He may not have been looking at her, but there was no mistaking the smile in her voice. A few minutes later, he had recovered the blanket and held it out to her, smiling the most adorable smile she'd ever seen.

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Everything," he answered simply.

* * *

 **A/N: Ta-da! Reviews are love.**


	7. Hurricane Drunk

**A/N: Well, here's the next installment. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Come on, Kingston! Please?"

Alex shook her head, her eyes rolling.

"Please? I promise, you'll love it."

Again, Alex shook her head and smiled.

"You know that I don't like surprises, Matt."

Matt pouted, doing his best impression of puppy eyes, and she laughed. He knelt in front of her and took her hand.

"If you do this, I'll do anything you want for the entire day tomorrow. Please?"

Alex looked at him for a moment and sighed. She knew that he wasn't going to let this go, so she finally nodded. He jumped up smiling, and looked down at her seriously.

"Now. What should you wear?"

Alex froze at his words, fear evident on her face. Matt began rummaging through the wardrobe, pulling out a deep blue silk blouse and a loose knee-length black skirt. He placed it on the bed in front of her and smiled from underneath his hair.

"You're going to look amazing."

She visibly relaxed, and took his outstretched hand. Walking was still a bit difficult for her, but she was determined to make it through the night on her feet. Once she was finally dressed, she glanced over at Matt, watching him dress. Maybe it was a result of their time on _Doctor Who_ , but she loved seeing him dressed in braces and a button-down shirt. He noticed her looking at him and frowned.

"What?"

"Nothing," she smiled, "Just enjoying the view."

He blushed slightly at her words and she frowned.

"Matt?"

He glanced over to show that he was listening, but didn't move.

"You do know how attractive you are…don't you?"

Alex pushed herself from the bed and made her way carefully over to where he was standing. His eyes widened at her hand on his shoulder and he tried desperately to convince her to sit.

"Listen to me. You are so incredibly sexy, and smart. You're one of the sweetest and funniest men I know, and I am the most fortunate woman in the world because I get to be with you."

Matt's blush deepened under her praise and she laughed. He was so endearing and sweet that she wondered how anyone could have ever let him go.

"In fact, I'm kind of kicking myself."

"Why?"

"Because I messed everything up so much that I don't get to have the pleasure of tearing your clothes off anymore. I don't have the strength right now."

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her gently.

"Oh, Alex. I'll make you a promise that as soon as you're able to, I'm going to rock your world."

She laughed and looked into his eyes seriously.

"You'd better."

He grabbed her hand and led her into the hall, covering her eyes with his hand. The other hand was wrapped securely around her waist, but she paused just outside of the bedroom.

"Are you mad? You can barely walk by yourself without falling. Do you think I'm going to let you lead me somewhere? You'll crash me into the wall."

He leaned down, his voice low and his lips brushing her ear.

"Not a chance."

She shivered at his words and he smiled, leading her down the hall. He was careful to move slowly so as not to tire her, and when he reached their destination he leaned down to her ear again.

"You're going to love this."

He removed his hand from her eyes and she blinked in the sudden light.

"SURPRISE!"

Alex's hand flew to her mouth as she took in the crowd of people surrounding her. Everyone from her _Doctor Who_ family was there, and just as she was about to thank Matt, her eyes landed on a figure standing just off to her right. Her eyes widened, and she lowered her hand in shock.

* * *

"S-Salome?"

The girl in question smiled and flew into her arms, nearly knocking her off her feet. She knelt down, burying her face in her daughter's hair, trying to stop the tears that were falling from her eyes. She kissed her over and over again, holding her as tightly as she could, and when she finally pulled away, she smiled up at Matt.

"How did you do this?"

"I called in a favour."

He nodded in the direction of Alex's ex-husband and Alex slowly stood. She made her way over to him, her eyes still brimming with tears.

"Thank you. I've missed her so much."

Florian hugged her gently, using the time to whisper in her ear.

"When Smith told me what had happened and that he was planning this, I couldn't say no. I'm glad you're getting better, Alex."

She stepped back and he spoke again.

"We can only stay for half an hour, but I hope you understand."

She nodded, returning to Matt and her daughter, seemingly oblivious to everyone else in the room. She wrapped her arms around Salome again, and turned to face the room.

"What is this for? It's not my birthday or anything."

Karen spoke up from her place by the bowl of punch.

"We're celebrating your recovery. We know it's not over yet, but we're going to show you that we're supportive and how much we love you."

Matt placed his hands on her shoulders and she turned to smile at him.

"Thank you. So much. I-this is amazing."

Matt kissed her cheek lightly and she smiled again. She could feel the dizziness that had been dancing around the edges of her mind growing stronger, and she reached out for Matt's hand. He grasped it gently in his own, looking into her eyes seriously. Her eyes were pleading with him, and he nodded slightly.

"I'm going to go get a bit of food. Alex, you should come and look at what Arthur brought."

Alex smiled gratefully and nodded.

"Okay. I'll be right back. Arthur, it's not going to poison me, is it?"

Arthur laughed and shook his head.

"No. It's your favourite."

* * *

As soon as they were out of the room, Matt pulled her close to him, searching her face for an answer.

"What is it, love? What's wrong?"

Alex shook her head and struggled to form the words that she needed.

"Something feels….off."

"Off how?"

"I'm dizzy, and cold. So cold."

He took her hand in his and was surprised that her skin was freezing. He stepped away from her to the hall closet and draped his jacket over her shoulders. She clutched it to her, and smiled at him gratefully.

"Does that help?"

She nodded, and slowly rose to her feet. Her daughter was in the next room, and she only had a limited amount of time to spend with her. Matt wrapped his arm around her waist and guided her gently back to the room, pausing to give her a plate of cheese-filled ravioli.

"Matt, I…"

He stopped her with a finger pressed to her lips.

"Just in case anyone asks."

He knew that her body couldn't handle the food on her plate, but he was also aware of how suspicious it would seem if they returned empty handed. When they entered, Alex's daughter hugged him unexpectedly, and Matt knelt down to her eye level.

"Thank you for saving my mummy."

Matt's eyes filled with tears and he smiled at the girl in front of him.

"I didn't. She saved herself."

Salome shook her head, her eyes serious.

"She would have never tried if it hadn't been for you. I kept her from it for so long, but you're the one who brought her back from it."

Matt stared at her, feeling a strange sense of pride for this young girl.

"How old are you, Salome?" he asked jokingly.

She laughed and hugged him again. When she pulled back, she moved to her mother, and Alex held her as closely as she could, tears falling into her hair. They exchanged their goodbyes and when Salome had gone, Alex turned to Matt and kissed him gently.

"Thank you so much. You don't know what it meant to me, seeing her again."

Matt smiled and pulled her into his arms.

"I told you that you would like this surprise."

"I love you."

He kissed her again and she smiled against his lips. When he looked down at her, he could see that she was beginning to get tired and he leaned down to brush his lips against her ear.

"Would you like me to kick everyone out so you can rest?"

She shook her head, smiling softly. He took her hand and led her over to the couch. She stiffened slightly when Steven wrapped his arms around her, and when he pulled away, he searched her eyes carefully.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?"

Alex shook her head, fighting the blackness that was dancing in front of her eyes, and smiled.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this is something I have to do myself."

He nodded in understanding.

"Well, get better soon. I'm not through with you yet, Professor River Song."

She laughed and Matt watched her intently from his place next to Karen. Karen followed his gaze and leaned in close.

"Are you okay?"

He kept his voice low, his eyes never leaving Alex.

"Something's wrong, Kaz. She's too pale, and look at her hands."

Karen did as he asked and was shocked to find that she could see the shaking of Alex's hands even from a considerable distance. She glanced up at him and frowned.

"I can clear everyone out if you need."

Matt nodded, finally tearing his eyes away from her.

"Thank you, Kaz. Really."

He hugged her gently and she stepped away. When she whispered to Arthur that they needed to leave, he nodded in understanding and Steven followed suit, though unaware of the situation. Each of them gave Alex a gentle hug, Arthur's accompanied by a light kiss on her cheek and they left quietly. Matt approached Alex slowly, concern painted on his features, and she smiled weakly.

"Are you okay, love?"

Alex frowned, not sure of how to answer. She knew he deserved the truth, but she wasn't sure how to explain it.

"I feel strange. I don't know what's wrong, exactly."

He nodded, holding out his hand.

"Will you please lie down?"

She gave him a mischievous look that he hadn't seen in quite a long time, and it was so like her old self that he smiled with her.

"Only if you come with me," she murmured in a low voice.

"Deal."

* * *

Matt wasn't sure what he expected when he closed the bedroom door, but it certainly wasn't Alex wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips against his. He pulled away quickly, wondering what she was thinking, and she immediately moved closer.

"Alex…."

"What?"

"You said you were going to lie down."

She nodded, pulling him closer again. He tried to move away, but she refused to give him any chance.

"Please, Matt…"

"I can't. I don't want to hurt you."

"We don't have to do _too_ much. Just a bit."

Matt tried to protest again, but Alex's lips on his throat caused whatever reasoning he had to leave. He backed her up to the bed, careful not to move too quickly, and looked down at her in wonder. It was incredible. Even though she was so sick, she was still so beautiful. She still had the power to render him speechless. He kissed her gently, looking into her eyes seriously.

"Please. Let me know if you need me to stop."

She nodded, running her fingers through his hair lightly.

"I will."

She pulled him down to her, and he let his hands roam over her body. It had been so long since he'd touched her, so long since he'd really kissed her like this, and he nearly broke when she moaned under his touch. He trailed his fingers down, pretending he didn't notice the way they slowed over her ribcage and hip bones, and kissed her again. He moaned when her tongue grazed the roof of his mouth and his body jerked of its own accord.

Matt slid her shirt over her head and made even quicker work of the skirt she wore. He kissed every inch of her skin before unhooking her bra and sliding her knickers down to the pile of discarded clothing. She frowned up at him and he looked at her, confused.

"What's wrong?"

"This is hardly fair," she said with a smile, "I'm the only one naked here."

She reached up to slide her hands under his shirt and tossed it aside quickly. His trousers were a bit more work, but soon he was left in nothing but his boxers, leaning over her with a smirk on his face that she absolutely loved. She'd never tell him that she was using him as a distraction from the dizziness she felt, but right now she needed him more than ever.

When he slid his fingers inside of her, she cried out, clinging to his shoulders. He smiled down at her, and shook his head.

"Hush, Alex."

"I thought you liked it when I was loud."

He kissed her throat and smiled when she sighed.

"I love the sounds you make, but I just want to see how good you are at being quiet. You're a bit out of practice."

She frowned at him, but nodded nonetheless. He smirked and moved his fingers slowly, knowing exactly the right way to twist and curl, breaking her within minutes. He slid both of his fingers into his mouth, knowing and loving, that he was driving her mad. He thought they were finished, but when she moved so that she was laying on top of his body, he frowned.

"Alex, you don't have to…"

She moved slowly, locking her eyes with his, smiling up at him.

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

She conveniently left out the fact that she needed a moment to recover and that she was simply using him as a distraction. His protests quickly stopped when she moved her mouth and hands just where he needed her the most, and she returned the favour of completely shattering him within minutes.

"You," he breathed, pulling her up so that she now rested on top of him again, "are amazing."

She smirked, and kissed him gently.

"I know."

He kissed the top of her head, and she smiled against his chest.

"I never thought I'd be this lucky. To have someone like you be mine," Matt murmured.

Alex was silent for a moment and when she spoke, he could feel the warmth in her voice.

"I am. Yours. With every breath I take."

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews are cool.**


	8. Killing Ourselves to Live

**A/N: I know it's been awhile, and I apologise, but you know...life and all that. Here's the next chapter.**

* * *

Alex ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. Matt was sleeping soundly on the bed next to her, and she couldn't bring herself to wake him. It had been over a month since she'd been released from hospital, and her mind was racing with a million thoughts. She sighed again and Matt stirred slightly.

"Alex? Wassamatter?" he murmured sleepily.  
She shook her head and turned away. He placed his hand on her shoulder and she closed her eyes. After debating with herself for a few more minutes, she turned to face him, gently shaking him awake.

"Matt, I can't do this."  
"Can't do what?"  
"I'm too fat. I feel disgusting. I'm so pathetic and worthless."

Her voice broke slightly on the last word, and Matt wrapped her in his arms. He ran his thumb across her cheek lightly brushing her tears away. She tightened her grip on his shirt and he held her as tightly as he dared to.

"Alex, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You don't even have to be doing anything special. You could just be sitting on the couch and I would hardly be able to keep my hands off you."

She laughed bitterly, and he kissed her hard, holding her firmly in place. She never loosened her grip, and he never untangled his hands from her wild curls. When he finally pulled away from her, she couldn't meet his eyes, and he placed his hand under her chin, forcing her to face him. Her impossibly green eyes flickered up to his for a second and he held out his hand, standing up slowly.

Alex stared at his hand briefly before taking it, and he steered her in the direction of the bathroom. He stopped them just in front of the mirror and looked at her seriously.

"Look. Tell me. Do you really think that I would still be here if I didn't think you were absolutely stunning?"

Alex didn't answer, and Matt wrapped his arms around her from behind. She smiled weakly as he brushed his lips across her cheek and sighed.

"I suppose. I just don't see how. I mean, I'm so much older than you. How can you possibly compare me to the women your age?"

Matt turned her so that she was facing him, and looked at her seriously.

"Alex, I don't want to be with anyone else. You're the only person I could ever think of being with. I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone. You're so amazing."

She was silent, and he stepped away. She didn't move from her place in front of the mirror, and when he returned, he took her hand in his.

"Alex, please believe me. I don't ever want to lose you."

"Matt, I—"

He placed his finger over her lips and she frowned. He knelt in front of her and she gasped when she saw the ring in his hand. Her hand flew to her mouth and he smiled.

"You are the most incredible person I've ever known. I know that you have no real reason to choose me, but I love you. Alex, will you marry me?"

* * *

There were a million words and thoughts coursing through her head, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find her voice. She opted to nod instead, tears falling from her eyes. Matt leapt up from his position on his knee and kissed her hard. He slipped the ring on her finger, pointedly ignoring the way it turned loosely on her hand. She clenched her fist and smiled.

"Matt, it…it's beautiful."

Matt never took his eyes from hers, moving impossibly closer.

" _You're_ beautiful."

Alex smiled slightly under his praise, and he took her hand in his. She allowed him to lead her into the hallway and he brought her a blanket, wrapping it around her gently. Matt sighed as his phone rang, but he leaned over to answer it nonetheless.

"Hello? Oh, hey Kaz. No, I don't think so. Let me ask."

Matt turned to Alex, placing his hand over the mouthpiece of his phone.

"Kaz and Arthur were wondering if we wanted to join them for dinner."

Alex was silent for a long moment. He could tell that she was thinking about all of the food that she would be expected to eat, and nodded slowly. He took her hand and smiled reassuringly at her.

"We don't have to go, love."

"No, I…I have to be able to do this."

When they entered the restaurant, Alex felt as though everyone was staring at her. She knew that rationally, they probably weren't, but it didn't change the way she felt. Matt guided her gently to their table and Alex smiled when she saw Karen and Arthur. She hugged them both and sat down across from the redhead and Matt slid into the booth next to her. He kissed Karen on the cheek and reached across the table to shake Arthur's hand.

They looked down at their menus, and Alex's eyes widened at the choices. There were no real options that weren't horrifyingly high in calories, carbs or fat and she opted to just order a glass of water accompanied by a small salad. Matt smiled reassuringly at her and reached for her hand. When he brought her hand to his lips, the ring he had given her glinted in the light and Karen gasped.

"Matt…Alex…is that?"

Matt nodded and Alex smiled. Karen's eyes were huge and she leapt across the table to hug them both. Arthur watched them with a confused look but once Karen pointed to the ring, he smiled, kissing Alex gently.

"Congratulations. You deserve to be happy."

"Have you set a date? Have you told anyone else?"

Matt laughed and shook his head.

"No, Kaz. It just happened a little while ago."

Alex still hadn't spoken and Matt turned to smile at her. When he saw how pale her skin was, his smile fell quickly.

"Alex, what is it? What's wrong?"

She shook her head slowly, her eyes slipping closed.

"Alex?"

"My heart feels funny,' she whispered.

Matt placed two fingers on her wrist, feeling for a pulse, finding it fast and erratic. Without speaking, Matt pulled her from the booth, and picked her up into his arms. Behind him, Arthur tossed a few bills onto the table and followed. Karen ran in front of them, hailing a car and Matt quickly placed Alex on the seat, giving instructions.

* * *

They arrived at the emergency entrance of a place they both knew well, and Matt carried her as quickly as he could inside.

"Please, I need help."

He turned to the woman sitting behind the desk and spoke quickly.

"Please, you have to help her. She—she has an eating disorder and she could die. Please."

Alex spoke up weakly from her position in his arms and he glanced down at her.

"Matt, I'm fine. You don't have to do this."

"Ma'am, are you in any kind of pain?"

Alex's head shook.

"Sir, if there is no immediate danger, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Matt opened his mouth to speak, closed it, opened it, and closed it again. Nodding silently, he stepped backward, still holding Alex against his chest and left the building. He placed Alex down gently and looked at her seriously.

"Alex?"

"It went away. It's okay. I'm fine. It happens sometimes. Really, you didn't have to rush us to hospital."

Matt sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"It mainly only happens the days after I purge, but it-"

"When?"

Alex quickly realised her mistake and shook her head. Matt turned angry eyes on her and took a step closer.

"Alex, you said…you said that it only happens after you purge. That means..."

She didn't answer and he grabbed her by the arm. His grip must have been a bit too tight judging by how she winced, but he couldn't let go.

"You said that you were getting better. I believed you. I trusted you. Alex, you lied to me. How could you do that?"

"Matt, I—"

" _You lied to me_!"

"Matt, I'm _trying_!" Alex screamed, her voice breaking, "I can't fix it all in one day, or even in a month. It doesn't work like that, and you know it. Sometimes, I have bad days. It doesn't mean that I'm lying to you. I can't lie to you. I _won't_ lie to you. I love you. You know that."

Matt watched her closely, his anger fading as quickly as it had come. He knew that if he were honest with himself, it was clear that Alex was telling the truth. She was visibly upset, and when he reached out to wrap his arms around her, he was surprised when she stepped back.

"Can we just go home? Please?"

"Yeah."

He could tell that she didn't want to speak to him, but he still placed his hand on her shoulder. Without looking at him or breaking her stride, Alex shrugged off his hand, and he sighed softly. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Though he had expected Alex to be angry with him for a while, he didn't expect her to stop speaking entirely. At first, he had thought that it was simply her anger at him causing her silence, but when she didn't speak to even Karen, he knew that something was seriously wrong. She wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't tell him if she needed anything, and quite literally wouldn't give him the time of day.

"Alex? Can I talk to you about something?"

As expected, there was no verbal answer. She nodded.

"Is there a reason that you won't speak to me?"

She didn't move. There was no indication that she'd heard him.

"I know that I've been a complete arse. I know why you're angry with me, but please don't shut me out. I love you, and I want to help you."

She still didn't look at him, and Matt ran his hands through his hair, unsure of what to say next.

"I was thinking, have you decided if you're going to tell Salome about our engagement? That is, if you still want to marry me?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. Her silence was killing him, and he stood to walk into the kitchen. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder as he passed her, and when he was just inside the entrance to the kitchen, he heard her voice softly.

"I'm not mad at you."

He turned. She was still sitting in the same place, her head held in her hands. She was pale, bones easily seen even from a distance, her hands shaking, and yet she was still so beautiful. He didn't understand how she could have ever looked in the mirror and seen anything else.

"You're not mad at me?"

She shook her head slowly. He was just about to ask her to elaborate when she spoke.

"I'm mad at myself."

He made his way closer to her, careful to keep a fair amount of distance between them so he didn't crowd her.

"You've given me so much, stayed with me and been there for me when I didn't deserve it, and I haven't given you anything in return."

He couldn't stop himself from stepping closer and lifting her chin so that she was looking at him.

"You're the best thing that I've ever had. The most important thing in the world to me. I would do anything for you."


	9. Perfect Imperfection

**A/N: This chapter was extremely difficult to write. Many of these experiences are my own, and it's been anything but therapeutic. I have not enjoyed writing this chapter, with the exception of the ending. It needed to be unapologetically honest, though, and I don't regret it.**

* * *

Her heart was pounding in her ears, the muscles in her legs were on fire, and her chest burned with every breath she took. Still, she forced her feet to move. Up and down the stairs, back and forth, her hand touching the wall with each lap. It had to touch, or it didn't count. One hundred laps later, she allowed herself to stop, and checked her watch. She still had at least thirty minutes until Matt returned from shopping, and she slowly made her way back to their flat.

As soon as she entered the kitchen, Alex knew that it was a mistake. There was so much food. So many things that she desperately wanted, but could never have. She opened the freezer and immediately fixated on the container of mint chip ice cream. Ice cream on its own was bad enough, but mint chip was one of her favourites. She pulled the container from the freezer and made her way into the bathroom. If she couldn't eat it, she had to dispose of it.

The smell of mint assaulted her, and she wanted nothing more than to taste it. To feel the creaminess running down her throat, so rich, so sweet...so deadly. She shook her head to clear it and leaned over the toilet bowl, preparing to dump the contents of the container into it. Halfway to their destination, Alex brought her hands to her face for one last smell and before she could comprehend what she was doing, she had pressed her hands into her skin, smearing the ice cream until she was reading completely covered. She slipped out of her clothing, spreading the sticky mess over her entire body.

Just as she was about to toss the carton, Alex caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. Wide-eyed, she began shaking as the full realisation of what she'd done sank in. She turned on the shower and stepped in, moving to sit down as soon as the water was to her liking. She watched the steam rise, but it still wasn't enough. Reaching up to turn the temperature, she was shocked to discover that it couldn't be moved any more.

She blinked through tears of shame and watched as the remnants of the ice cream swirled down the drain. She scrubbed her body furiously, desperate to remove all traces of the offending substance. What if the calories had seeped into her skin? Was that possible? It had to be. How could she have been so stupid?

The door slammed shut, signaling Matt's arrival and she stood quickly, doing her best to ignore the black spots in front of her eyes. The water stopped and she stepped out, wrapping a towel around her shivering body. As she dressed, she could hear Matt moving around in the kitchen and realised with horror that he would surely notice the missing ice cream in the freezer.

"Alex?"

She jumped, so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed him enter the room.

"Sorry, darling. Kind of spaced out there."

He leaned in to kiss her gently, and when he pulled back, he was smiling hugely.

"You smell like mint chip ice cream, Alex. It's wonderful."

"Wouldn't it be nice if I smelled like this all the time?"

"It would, but do you taste as good as you smell?"

He leaned down to bite down lightly on her throat and she laughed when she felt his tongue dance over her skin. He pulled away to kiss her properly and was surprised when she gave him only the slightest kiss.

"What's wrong, love?"

She shrugged.

"Nothing, sweetie. I'm just tired."

Matt nodded and placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

"Why don't you try sleeping?"

Alex shrugged again and pulled away gently. Matt watched her carefully as she backed away, knowing that something was bothering her. He didn't want to pry, and as soon as she was out of earshot, he pulled out his phone.

"Hello?"

"Kaz, I need your advice."

* * *

As Matt explained their situation, Alex was lying back on the floor of their bedroom, feet under the bed frame, using the weight to do as many sit-ups and crunches as she could. She could feel the muscles in her stomach twitching, but she forced herself to keep going. She couldn't stop until she reached at least one hundred.

Finally, she was finished, and she made her way into the kitchen. Matt was waiting for her with a plate, and her eyes widened until she registered what was resting on the porcelain. An small apple, four strawberries and a small dollop of whipped cream. She smiled at him and spooned a small bit of whipped cream onto her fingertip. Just as she was about to place her finger in her mouth, she changed direction and placed it on Matt's nose.

He smiled and she picked up a strawberry, placing it slowly in her mouth. She bit down and it exploded over her tongue. It took great effort to swallow the small bite and she fought the wave of panic rising in her. What had happened? Fruit was safe. It was supposed to be safe. What was she supposed to do now? Matt was watching her carefully, knowing that she was struggling but not knowing how to help.

"I'm going to lie down," Alex murmured after a minute.

She picked up the apple and Matt sighed in relief. At least she'd taken something with her. If he had seen her toss the apple into the bin as she rounded the corner, he may have been more concerned. As it was, the events of the next twenty-four hours came as a complete shock.

* * *

 _Don't accuse her. Stay calm._

Those had been Karen's words. Words that Matt was now trying to put into practice. He knew that she was more likely to be tired, but this seemed to be more. As though she were actively avoiding him. When he entered the room however, he found her on the phone, talking excitedly to someone. He waited for her to end the conversation before approaching and she turned to him, smiling.

"Moffat wants me to be in the studio tomorrow to rehearse. Things are finally getting back to normal. Isn't it wonderful?"

Matt nodded, but his emotions must have shown on his face because she frowned seconds later.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

"Nothing. You've just seemed kind of...not here lately."

She nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry, darling. Things have just been so exhausting."

He pulled her into his arms, kissing her gently.

"I love you, Alex. Don't ever forget that."

"I know, sweetie."

When she pulled him closer for a kiss, he made no move to stop her. Her movements were frantic, her shaking fingers trying desperately to undo the buttons on his shirt. She pulled her own shirt over her head and he cupped her breasts gently before unhooking the clasp on her bra. He kissed her throat, eliciting a soft sigh and when his lips closed around her breast, she moaned. She threaded her fingers in his hair, her grip tightening each time he bit down and Matt could feel her body shaking.

Alex fought to stay upright as Matt moved his hand past the waistband of her joggers, slipping underneath the wisp of satin. Her body jerked when he touched her, and as he moved his fingers, she began to grind her hips against him. He never once entered her, and already she could feel it: that intense buildup of pleasure that would leave her shaking relentlessly.

"Matt, wait."

He paused only briefly and kissed her throat once more.

"This is insane. I'm not even entirely undressed."

"I know," he smirked, "and I fully intend on making you scream my name without it."

His lips were touching her ear, his voice low and undeniably sexy, and it caused her to shudder.

"Matt-"

He captured her breast again, causing his name to become a loud moan. He continued to touch her, pushing back just as much when he felt her hips grind into his hand. Her breath was faster now, and her head fell back against the wall. His mouth found hers and when she moaned into his kiss, he moved faster. He placed his lips near her ear, almost touching, his breath warm.

"Come on, love."

She cried out as he bit down on her throat, her pulse racing. It was pointless to resist and moments later, she screamed his name, her entire body rocking in his arms. Still he touched her, bringing her down slowly, his name a whisper on her lips.

"How...did..you..do..that?" Alex asked breathlessly.

Matt feigned ignorance.

"What do you mean?"

"You...you never even..." her voice trailed off.

"I know."

The smirk in his voice was evident. If she had possessed the strength, she would have smacked him. He kissed the top of her head and lowered her to the floor. She searched for her discarded clothing and made her way to the bathroom. Closing the door, she began a desperate search for the blade that she knew was hidden in the makeup bag she kept under the sink. Her fingers closed around it and when she drug it across her stomach, instant relief washed over her.

How could she have done that? She'd let Matt see her body and done nothing to hide the disgusting layers of fat. She covered her body with a loose fitting sweatshirt, trying out multiple variations of her best smile in the mirror. When she was mostly satisfied, she opened the door.

"Are you okay, love?"

Alex nodded. She padded over to the bed and fell not-so-gracefully on the bed, smiling when Matt began to play with her hair. Just as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard Matt's voice whispering softly.

"I love you so much. I just hope that's enough."

* * *

It was midnight. Alex was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, drunk out of her mind. She didn't drink often, but when she did, it was truly a sight to see. She was holding her left arm out in front of her, carving patterns into her skin. Karen and Arthur had come over for a party celebrating her return to _Doctor Who_ , and they'd all had quite a bit to drink. They had all slept in the living room, and now Alex was the only one left awake.

She didn't know what made her decide to lock herself in the bathroom, but there was no going back now. She took another drink and resumed cutting. The patterns she was making were quite creative, if she did say so herself. A snake and a rose. Beauty and pain. She was completely focused on the task at hand, her eyes watching as though entranced.

She split the artery.

Wait. This wasn't supposed to happen. She hadn't meant for this to go this far. Her blood was pooling around her, thick and dark. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Finally, the scent of blood came to her, snapping her back into focus. She pulled herself up enough to unlock the door and collapsed back against the sink. The blood wrapped around her arm like a crimson ribbon and she forced herself to move.

Alex crawled across the floor, her body too weak to support her. Her left arm was held out in front of her, and several agonisingly slow minutes later, she was in front of Karen's sleeping form.

"Karen."

Her voice was raspy, barely above a whisper. She tried to shake Karen awake, but it was proving difficult with only one arm.

"Karen. Wake up. Please."

Finally, the redhead's eyes opened, her blurred vision barely registering what was in front of her.

"Alex?"

"Get...Matt," Alex whispered, her eyes swimming, "Please."

At last, Karen's eyes adjusted enough to see the blood pouring from Alex's arm, and she screamed, bolting up from the couch.

"Matt! Matt, get up!"

Arthur, woken by Karen's screams, took one look at Alex and began dialling for an ambulance.

" _Matt!_ "

When Matt entered the room, hair disheveled and rubbing his eyes, he swore loudly when he saw Alex on the floor. He turned to Karen, shouting instructions in his panic.

"Stay with her. Make sure she stays conscious. I'll be right back."

"Alex, stay with me. Just hold on."

Alex's eyes locked on her, wondering at the way the light set her hair ablaze. It fell down over her shoulders, reaching out like embers to envelop her in fiery warmth.

"Alex?"

Matt. She'd never meant to hurt him. He took her arm and elevated it over her head. Alex screamed when he applied pressure and tightly wrapped it in a towel. She watched in fascination as the towel became stained deep red with her blood. He held her arm up and kissed her forehead gently.

"Don't worry, love. You're going to be okay. Just hang on."

"Matt..."

"Shh...hush."

"I never meant to hurt..."

Alex was fading in and out now, her eyes glazing over in shock. Matt shook her as gently as possible.

"Alex. Don't fall asleep. You have to stay awake."

Everything in her body was singing in pain. It rose and fell in great crescendos, never really in complete harmony. She looked up, her eyes catching Karen's hair again, flaming sunbeams engulfing her and she almost smiled. Arthur knelt beside Matt, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"The paramedics are on the way."

Time lurched, leaving Alex wildly disoriented and she tried desperately to speak. She glanced at Arthur, pleading with him.

"Don't...hate...me."

He shook his head, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Never."

 _I didn't mean this,_ Alex thought, panicked. _I was just testing the limit. Please don't hate me, Matt. I love you, I'm so sorry. You can beg me to stay as much as you want, but it's too late. I lost the game. I played the cards, threw my hand and I lost._

Matt jumped when the paramedics threw open the door and pulled him away. One of them lifted Alex onto a stretcher and shook his head.

"What a waste."

 _I am not a waste. I promise. I was only kidding._

She tried to form the words, tried to explain that she had never meant for it to go this far. Her body shook as they hurriedly moved her out into the hallway, and the paramedics exchanged glances.

"She's going into shock."

Vaguely, she could hear Matt, Arthur and Karen running to keep up and closed her eyes. As long as they were there, everything would be okay.

* * *

Matt paced the waiting room anxiously. Why was it taking so long? Karen and Arthur were sitting nearby, and every time he passed, they attempted to calm him.

"Matt, please. They're doing everything they can."

His head whipped around as they heard Alex scream and Arthur grabbed his shoulder.

"Stay here. You'd only make things worse if you went back there."

"Do you know how far away the operating room is from here? I've never heard anyone scream so loudly."

"There's nothing you can do, mate."

Matt sighed, collapsing in the chair. He placed his head in his hands and tried to fight the tears that were burning at his eyes.

* * *

The scream ripped from her throat as they stuck the needle in her arm, and Alex tried to pull away. She could see the flesh of her arm and it occurred to her that she was, quite literally, a piece of meat. They were stitching up nothing more than a steak. Dimly, she wondered what it would taste like. As they began the second row of stitches, she screamed again.

"Hold her still."

She wanted to tell them that this wasn't necessary, that it wasn't really as bad as it looked. But her vocal chords refused to cooperate. Another sting of the needle found her falling toward the black abyss that had until now only been lingering just outside her vision.

When she woke hours later, she found herself being watched by a young woman with a very kind face. She looked to be no older than twenty, but she knew that couldn't possibly be correct.

"Ms. Kingston, do you know where you are?"

"Hospital," she whispered hoarsely.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"The knife slipped."

"Slipped?"

"Slipped," she repeated firmly.

The young woman let it go. Alex wondered where Matt was, or if he'd even bothered to come to the hospital at all. She couldn't blame him if he hadn't. He didn't deserve this. More to the point, _she_ didn't deserve _him_. He'd done so much for her, and this was how she'd repaid him. Worthless.

"Can you contract for safety, Ms. Kingston?"

"Yes. I won't be any threat to myself or anyone else. After all, it's not like I could do much damage. This hurts too much."

The woman didn't smile. She nodded once, and handed Alex a clipboard.

"Take care of yourself. You have so many people who care about you."

* * *

"Matt."

Arthur's voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he glanced up. Karen pointed over his shoulder and when he turned, his world was suddenly brighter.

"Alex?"

She nodded weakly and he immediately rushed to her side. He helped her to a chair and brushed her hair from her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Karen asked.

"I'm fine. Can we please go home?"

Matt nodded, helping her to stand. Arthur took her arm and lead her in the direction of the door, his lips close to her ear.

"Don't _ever_ scare us like that again. We were terrified."

Alex felt tears spilling down her face and she wiped them away furiously.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur. I didn't mean to let this happen."

He wrapped his arms around her in a fierce but gentle hug.

"I love you, Karen loves you, and Matt loves you more than anything in the world. We can't lose you."

They had reached Matt's car now, and Karen held her heavily bandaged arm carefully as she climbed into the seat. Her eyes slipped closed and she only opened them when Karen gently shook her awake twenty minutes later. After hugging them both goodbye, Matt swept her into his arms, cradling her body against his as they made their way up the stairs.

He pressed his lips to the top of her head and when she raised her eyes to his, she was horrified to see they were bright with tears.

"Please don't ever do that again, Alex."

"Matt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But..."

"But?" he prodded.

"I completely understand if you want to leave. I know I'm a mess you don't want to clean up. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. It doesn't make it better, but-"

"No, Alex. I could never leave you. I don't _want_ to leave you. I love you so much that I would do anything for you. You were the one who made things different. You were the one thing I could count on. Don't fade on me."

She paused, struggling to think through the haze of her mind.

"Matt, did you just quote a Tom Petty song?"

Matt shrugged, placing her down in the hallway of his flat.

"He has a way with words."

She laughed gently and he smiled.

"I've missed hearing you laugh. It's beautiful. _You're_ beautiful."

He kissed her as hard as he dared, and when he pulled away, she was smiling again. He picked her up again and began walking to the bedroom. Just before sleep claimed her, she thought of the bloodstained bathroom floor and decided that it could be left until the morning. There was no way she could do it tonight. Matt's arms tightened around her waist and he buried his face in her hair.

"I love you so much, Alex. I can't wait for you to be my wife."

She tried to answer, wanted to tell him just how much she loved him, but sleep washed over her. For the first time in months, she slept without dreaming.

* * *

 **A/N: There you have it, folks. I do apologise for the length. Reviews are love.**


	10. Ship to Wreck

**A/N: No, my darlings, I didn't abandon this. I've simply had quite a bit going on. Life, you know. Anyway, not much plot this time, but fluffy fluff abound! Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

She wanted a cinnamon bun. More than anything in the world. She had made a batch of them for Matt, and the aroma was driving her mad. Still, she sipped her juice, determined to stay strong. Maybe when she was thin enough, then she could have one. Alex caught sight of her reflection in the window and sighed. Who was she trying to fool? She could never have a cinnamon bun.

"Are you okay?"

She jumped and Matt laughed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

She waved his apology aside.

"I was just lost in thought. It's okay. And yes, I'm fine. Just tired."

"Are you cold? You're shivering."

"Very."

 _Of course I'm cold,_ she wanted to say, _I'm always cold. It's the kind of cold that seeps into your bones and never really leaves. Sometimes I'm so cold that I think I'll literally freeze into a block of ice._

Matt placed a blanket over her and smiled.

"Can I get you anything?"

 _Food. Any kind of food. Chocolate, toast, pretzels, crisps, ice cream, salmon, beef, a cinnamon bun-oh God, a cinnamon bun.._

"No, I'm okay," she lied, "I'll probably just nap for a bit."

Matt leaned down to kiss her and when he pulled away, he frowned.

"Hmm..."

"What, sweetie?"

"It tastes different. Kissing you, I mean."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's just...different."

She wasn't sure what to say, so she opted for silence. Matt played with a strand of her hair absently and when she yawned, he smiled.

"I'll let you sleep. I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

One oversized sweatshirt.

One pair of loose joggers over leggings.

One blanket tightly wrapped.

Two thick socks.

Icy fingers desperately searching for warmth.

Frightened eyes tightly shut.

A dangerously thin woman standing paralysed in the bathroom.

Alex stepped onto the scale, afraid to look down. When she finally forced herself to open her eyes, her heart sank. In the course of one night, she had gained a staggering amount of weight. How? She'd been good. It couldn't be possible. Yet, the proof was blinking up at her in cold, unforgiving numbers. She didn't notice the tears that dripped from her eyes until one landed on her hand, startling her.

Trying to be quiet had never been her strong point, and the ability failed her now. Her hands shook terribly, causing the door to shut more forcefully than she had intended.

"Alex? You're awake?"

She jumped at the sound of his voice, and turned.

"So it would seem." she sighed.

Matt held out his arms and she slowly made her way into them. She pressed her body as close to his as possible, hoping to absorb some of his body heat and he frowned.

"You're so cold..."

She nodded and he placed a kiss on her temple. When she pulled away, he handed her the sweatshirt he had worn the night before, hoping that it might be of some help. Alex inhaled the remnants of his cologne and smiled as she walked into the next room. She turned on the television and began flipping aimlessly through the channels, hoping to find something to distract herself.

" _I remember you...and you are late to my wedding!"_

Her eyes snapped up to the screen at the sound of Karen's voice. Memories of filming the episode came rushing back to her, and when she saw herself on the screen, Alex frowned. She wasn't sure how they had gotten their flirting to look so believable. Even she could see that it was forced. It was obvious that Matt would have rather flirted with Karen, but he had somehow gotten through. How anyone could have ever sincerely thought that she was beautiful, she had no idea.

" _Are you married, River?"_

 _"Are you asking?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Yes."_

 _"No, hang on-did you think I was asking you to marry me, or-or-or-or asking if you_ were _married?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"No, but was that 'yes' or '_ yes' _?"_

 _"Yes."_

"River..."

Alex jumped slightly when she felt Matt's breath at her ear. She turned and smiled.

"Very sneaky, darling."

Alex's head tipped back of its own accord when Matt kissed her throat slowly. She couldn't tell what he was thinking, but the smirk on his lips told her that it was something wonderful.

"Alex, do you know how much you drive me mad?"

She hummed in response and he moved around the couch to kneel in front of her.

"What do you want?"

"Well, Kaz and Arthur are dropping by, and I was wondering if you would be opposed to dinner."

The very word made Alex's breath catch and her heart began pounding. What was he playing at? She'd had a hard enough time with breakfast, let alone dinner. Her eyes widened and she shook her head.

"No. Matt, I—I can't. I had breakfast, I can't possibly do both. I'm sorry. I just can't."

Matt took her hand in his own, rubbing his thumb back and forth, hoping to calm her.

"It doesn't have to be much, love. Salad, maybe. Or soup."

Her head was still shaking, and as he finished speaking, Alex finally understood.

"You're trying to trick me," she whispered, "You want me to be fat. You want me to look like a beached whale, that way when you leave me, it will be understandable. No one would blame you." Matt frowned, trying to wrap his head around her logic, but it was no use. She was still speaking, her voice rising in volume, and when she finally stopped, he was both angry and hurt to see the tears in her eyes. He stood up, dropping her hand and fought to keep from shouting.

"You're right, Alex. You're absolutely right! All I want to do is hold you down and force feed you so that you'll be so bloody disgusting that I can't stand the sight of you. That's been my plan all this time. Being with you, asking you to marry me, it was all part of my elaborate plan. I wanted to break you in the worst way possible, and still come out the hero. That's who I am! In reality, I'm the villain. I'm the one undoing all of your hard work, I'm the one who is ruining whatever goals you have for yourself. I don't give a damn about you at all. You're nothing more than a somewhat entertaining past time. Are you satisfied now, Alex? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

The pain in her eyes was unmistakable, but for once, Matt was beyond caring. Months of living hell, never knowing if the woman he loved was going to live or die, by her own hand nonetheless, had finally caught up to him. He didn't bother waiting for a response and when he slammed the front door behind him, he pretended not to notice when Alex flinched at the sound.

* * *

Twenty minutes had passed since Matt had stormed out of the flat, and Alex still hadn't moved from the place he'd left her. The tears that had been relentlessly falling showed no signs of stopping and when there was a knock at the door, she made no move to answer it. She knew it had to be Karen and Arthur, but her body refused to cooperate. After what seemed like hours, the knocking finally stopped, and Alex sighed. Forcing herself to move, she made her way into the bathroom, examining her reflection.

"I hate you," she whispered, "You've ruined everything. You're disgusting. You're fucking worthless."

Screaming, she pulled her hand back, not even flinching when it collided with the mirror. Tiny shards of glass embedded into her skin, surrounded by larger pieces, but it didn't matter. She didn't even notice the piercing of her feet as she walked back into the living room. Her searching fingers found pen and paper, writing frantically. Placing the note on the couch, she grabbed her phone out of habit and quietly shut the front door behind her. As she walked the streets, she didn't have the faintest idea of where she was going. Not that she really cared.

* * *

When Matt finally returned to his flat hours later, he felt more ashamed of himself than ever. He should never have yelled at Alex. True, he had been bound to break at some point, but he should have known better than to take out his frustration and anger on her. That was of no help to anyone. He knew that he had some major apologising to do, but so did she. Neither one was blameless, and until they reached that understanding, he knew this would keep happening. He just prayed that she would forgive him.

The door knob slid through his hand as he turned it, and he frowned. Alex must have locked the door after he'd left. Matt dug through his pockets, hoping that he'd at least put his keys in them. Seconds later, the door swung open and he smiled to himself.

"Alex? Can we talk?"

A soft glow from the overhead light showed that Alex was nowhere to be found. He closed the door, frowning when his fingers came away slightly sticky. Holding his hand in front of his face, it took a few moments for him to realise that he was staring at blood. Matt took a deep breath, trying not to panic. A scan of the room showed bloodstains leading to the couch, and then he noticed the crimson-spattered paper.

He quickly picked it up, wondering what in the world was going on. Alex's neat handwriting stared up at him in one simple sentence, and he swore.

 _I'm sorry, my love._

 _X_

"Alex! Alex?!"

He kept calling her name, wandering from room to room, and when he turned on the bathroom light, a stream of profanities fell from his lips. Glass glittered on every surface, accented by drops of deep crimson, and he slid down the door frame. His fist was pressed firmly against his mouth to keep the sobs from escaping. When the scream took the form of her name, the tears couldn't be stopped.

He fumbled for his phone, pressing buttons wildly. He knew it was a long shot, but he prayed that she would answer. Each time he called, her voicemail picked up, and finally he left a desperate message, hoping that even if she was screening his calls, she would at least listen to the message.

He dialed again, a different number this time, and when he heard a voice on the other end, he nearly dropped the phone in relief.

"Kaz! Have you seen Alex?"

"No, why? We stopped by earlier, but no one answered. We thought that maybe you were busy."

"We—we had a fight. I yelled at her and left the flat. I just got home and she's not here. Everything is busted and there's blood. It's everywhere. She's not answering her phone, and I have no idea where she could be."

"Okay. Calm down. I'm sure she's okay. Don't panic just yet."

"She's gone, Kaz!"

"I know. Um...just give me a minute and I'll think of something."

Matt could hear her talking to someone in the room, and when she came back a few moments later, she sounded more confident.

"Arthur's going to look around and see if maybe she went back to her flat, and I'll be over as soon as I can."

The line went dead in his hand, and when the phone fell to the floor, he made no move to pick it up

* * *

Though it was nearly May, the air was cold, and Alex shivered. Somehow, she had ended up a few streets away from her old flat and was thankful that she at least knew where she was. Her feet had gone numb from cold and pain long ago, but still she kept walking. There was no destination in mind, but her body continued on, one foot in front of the other. Her tears had dried, but their existence was still evident on her face.

Thankfully, her thoughts were no longer racing, leaving her in welcome silence. Her focus had been significantly impaired, however, and she didn't notice the dip in the pavement until it was too late. She slipped and when her body hit the ground, she seriously contemplated staying that way for the rest of the night. Standing shakily, she brushed off some of the dirt, more out of habit than actual concern. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Karen swore when her eyes finally registered what they were seeing. Matt's bathroom was in shambles, and the note that Alex had left offered little explanation.

"Matt...what happened?"

"I...I asked her about dinner. She got upset and said that I was trying to make her fat so that when I left her, no one would blame me."

"That's insane. You'd never leave Alex."

"I told her she was right."

Karen's eyes widened, and Matt went on quickly.

"No, I wanted to show her that it sounded ridiculous. That my being with her for so long and falling in love with her was all just part of an elaborate plan to hurt her made absolutely no sense. I lost my temper and walked out. I came back a few hours later to this."

Karen put a hand on his shoulder and sighed.

"Matt, she's out there somewhere. Arthur's still looking, and I know she's okay."

"I hope you're right."

* * *

The collision left her startled and somewhat afraid. She hurriedly offered her apologies and backed away, her eyes never leaving the ground. A hand reached out to her and she backed away instinctively.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you. I wasn't looking at where I was going. I'll just-"

"Alex?"

Wait. She knew that voice. Her eyes moved slowly up the torso, recognition finally clicking as they landed on the face.

"Arthur? What are you doing here?"

"Looking for my daughter. And it looks like I just found her."

"I don't understand."

"It was a joke. You know, Rory and River/Melody?"

She shook her head.

"No...you were looking for me?"

"Yeah. Matt's worried sick. What's going on?"

Alex shook her head. She felt extremely foolish and pathetic confiding in someone so young. Someone her age should have had their life together by now, or at least learned to cope accordingly. Her head felt very light as it shook, and she frowned. She shouldn't be feeling this way. She'd eaten too much for breakfast to have her brain be this fuzzy.

When she stumbled, Arthur quickly caught her in his arms, cradling her against his chest. Ignoring her many protests, he began walking, knowing that there was only one place that she would truly feel safe.

* * *

There was a strange knocking sound at the door, and Karen bolted to answer it. On the other side of the door, head against Arthur's chest, covered in blood and dirt, was Alex. Her eyes were closed, but Karen wasn't sure if they were closed by choice or if she was unconscious. She called Matt's name and when he took in the sight of Arthur placing her on the couch, he swore.

"She was wandering the streets. Just walking. Not even looking up. It's a miracle that she didn't get hurt."

"Did she say anything?"

"I managed to get it out of her on the walk back. Matt, I know how hard this is on you. It's killing you. Both of you. She needs help. More than you can give her."

"She won't accept it."

Arthur shook his head.

"Go with her. Just until she feels comfortable alone. Matt...she's terrified. I've never seen anyone so scared."

"Of what?"

The look Karen shot him was full of disbelief. Arthur smiled sadly.

"Losing you. She is deathly afraid of losing you."

Matt looked down at the woman on his couch, pretending that his heart wasn't being ripped in two. He ran his fingers lightly over her face and into her golden curls.

"How do I prove to her that I can't live without her?"

"Time."

* * *

Alex could hear the whispers of the crew every time she passed, but she didn't have the energy to confront them. She was just thankful that the entire episode allowed her to be in long sleeves. The dress she'd been given was stunning, but she was suffocating. The fabric was form-fitting and she could feel it cramming all of her fat together, making it difficult to breathe. Matt walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, smiling.

"I'm so glad to have you back."

She turned.

"I'm glad to be back. Even if it is a sad episode."

Matt kissed her cheek and bounded to the set.

"That's why we have a party after."

"Sweetie, parties never end well for us."

Matt's laughter caused a smile of her own to appear, and for the first time in months, she felt hopeful.

* * *

Matt watched warily as Alex tossed back another shot of whiskey, regretting his idea for a party. She had hardly eaten anything all day and now she'd already drank her weight in alcohol. Alex wasn't a heavy drinker, but tonight seemed to be an exception.

"Come on, mate. At least do one shot."

Arthur held out the glass and Matt reluctantly took it, trying to think of some way to avoid drinking it.

"In a minute."

"You're not being very sociable tonight," Alex remarked, her voice slightly slurred.

"I think you've got that well enough covered for both of us," he said dryly.

"Darling," her tone was playful, and it caused him to smile in spite of himself, "I'm just trying to be a gracious hostess."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek gently, wiping away the trace of lipstick left behind. When he caught her eye, he followed her pointed look just in time to notice Arthur kiss Karen fully, and smiled.

"Get a room, Ponds."

Karen blushed, and Arthur took her hand, leading her into the kitchen.

"Huh."

Alex laughed and when he looked up, he was mesmerised by the light radiating from her eyes. Logically, he knew that it was a result of the whiskey she had consumed, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He kissed her gently and when she deepened the kiss unexpectedly, he gasped.

"Alex?"

"Mmm?"

"Don't you think we should stop? Kaz and Arthur are just in the kitchen."

She kissed him again in response, and he allowed himself to forget for a moment that they weren't alone. His lips found her throat, and when her head fell back, he wasted no time. Alex fought the dizziness that swept over her and when she couldn't take any more, she pulled away.

"Matt, maybe you're right."

He kissed her throat again, and her eyes closed.

"M-Matt, seriously, I think we should...oh, God...Matt..."

His name became a low moan that drove him wild. Thoroughly pleased with himself, Matt looked down at Alex and smirked.

"Okay, love. We can stop. I got what I wanted."

She slapped his arm playfully.

"I hate you."

"No, you don't."

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews are love.**


	11. Run to You

**A/N: Not a whole lot of plot yet, but here lies fluffy fluff!**

* * *

 _ _One.__

 _Two._

 _Three._

 _Four._

 _Five-six._

 _Seven-eight._

 _Nine._

 _Ten._

As she waited off-screen, Alex began counting again. The beating of her heart was erratic, but painfully slow. She watched Matt and Jenna together, and felt the familiar pang of insecurity. Jenna was young, pretty, sweet...everything that she wasn't. Why would Matt stay with her when he could have someone like Jenna? It didn't make sense. She was sitting in a small chair and when her cue came, she stood quickly, hoping she wasn't late.

"She'll take you home, then shut herself down."

This was it. Her line. She just hoped she wouldn't mess it up.

"There has to be another way. Use the TARDIS, use something. Save her, yes, but for God's sake, be sensible!"

She swung at Matt, bracing herself for him to catch her wrist. He caught her wrist in his hand, noticing that she winced, and as she continued with her lines, she could feel his eyes on her.

"How are you even doing that?" every breath was a struggle, "I'm not really here."

"You're always here to me."

This wasn't just acting, she realised. This wasn't River and the Doctor. This was Matt and Alex. He meant these words.

"And I always listen. And I can _always_ see you."

She gasped. Something wasn't right.

"Then why-why d-didn't you-"

Her words were cut short by the blackness that she had been fighting all day. Her body sank down, very nearly hitting the ground. All the while, Matt's hand never left her wrist, keeping her from crashing onto the ground. The screams of the crew members came to her muffled, as though she were under water. Matt's face swam in front of her eyes, hazy and distant.

"Alex?!"

Jenna, watching from behind the camera, ran to get help, and returned followed by Steven Moffat and various medical personnel that were kept on-set. Alex's eyes were closed, and Matt lowered her carefully to the floor, kneeling down next to her.

"Alex, please. Open your eyes. Alex?"

He tapped her cheek lightly with his hand and when she opened her eyes slightly. Glassy and unfocused, they stared up at him, trying to find him through the haze of pain. Moffat placed a hand on his shoulder, and when he turned, he saw both pain and sympathy.

"Matt, let them work."

He nodded and stood slowly, barely noticing when Jenna appeared at his side.

"What's happening? Is she alright?"

Right. Jenna didn't know Alex that well.

"She's...she's sick. Has been for awhile."

He didn't elaborate, and Jenna didn't push the subject. She reached up to hug him and when he pulled away, she frowned. He walked as far away as he could while still keeping Alex in his sight, internally sighing when the smaller girl followed him.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm worried about Alex."

"That's sweet. You're a great friend."

She rose on her toes to kiss his cheek lightly and he held up his hand to stop her.

"Jenna, don't."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm seeing someone."

She smiled.

"I wasn't trying to—I just wanted to let you know I cared. I'm not interested, Matt. Really."

He kicked himself. How could he be so stupid?

"I'm sorry."

Jenna waved his apology aside, hoping to distract him.

"Who is she?"

Matt didn't answer, turning his attention back to Alex. The medical team had managed to get her breathing stable and he ran over, desperate to be there when she opened her eyes again. As soon as he was close enough, he stopped to catch his breath, leaning on his knees for support.

"Matt?"

It was so quiet he nearly missed it. He knelt down.

"Yes, Alex?"

"What happened?"

"You passed out. I think you should probably rest for a bit."

He turned to Moffatt for confirmation, and when he nodded, Matt held out his hand.

"Can you walk?"

Alex nodded slowly, taking his hand. After a few shaky steps, she stumbled and collapsed in Matt's arms, kicking herself for being so weak.

"That's what I thought. Come on, Kingston."

Matt swept her into his arms, cradling her carefully against his chest. As he carried her off-set, he called over his shoulder.

"Be right back!"

* * *

As soon as Matt placed her on the couch in her trailer, his lips found hers, kissing her desperately. When he pulled away a few moments later, he stared down at her seriously.

"Don't scare me like that, Alex."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He kissed her again, noticing how cold her lips were.

"Wrap up in something warm, love. You're freezing. I have to go back, but I'll be right here before you know it. Get some sleep."

She nodded, her body falling over onto the couch. When he glanced back over his shoulder, she was already beginning to fall asleep. He only hoped he hadn't been gone long enough to arouse suspicion.

* * *

"Is Alex okay?"

Jenna's soft voice caused him to jump, and he laughed slightly.

"She's asleep. I think she's okay for now."

"You said she was sick. How long has she been this sick?"

Matt paused. He liked Jenna, considered her a friend, but he didn't feel comfortable discussing Alex's health with her.

"Awhile."

She nodded, realising that he wasn't going to elaborate. Matt thought that perhaps they were going to continue the rehearsal, but Moffat ushered them all out a few moments later. As Matt passed, Moffat caught him by the arm, looking at him seriously.

"This is getting dangerous."

Matt nodded, his eyes making sure no one was near.

"She's going to die, Matt."

"No, she's not. I'm not going to let her."

Moffat's eyes were sad as he looked at the younger man.

"You may not be able to help her."

"I will. I know I can help her. Or I'll die trying."

Matt stared at him, daring him to speak. Moffat knew how much Matt cared for Alex, but he also knew that he needed to accept the very real possibility of her death.

"Matt-"

"I can't lose her, Steven. I love her."

Moffat sighed.

"I know. She loves you, too. But it may not be enough."

Matt stared at him for a long moment, his eyes hard. Without speaking, he pushed past, making his way to Alex's trailer, hoping she was getting some much needed rest. Neither of them noticed that Jenna had been standing close enough to hear every word that was said.

* * *

When Alex opened her eyes some minutes, or hours, later (she never knew which), the first thing she searched for was Matt. Seeing that he was nowhere to be found, she stood shakily and made her way slowly to the rehearsal space, wondering if they were still working.

"Alex!"

She turned at the voice, painting on a smile when the younger woman approached her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," Alex lied, feeling dizzy even as she spoke.

Jenna nodded sympathetically, her eyes searching Alex's for the lie she knew was there.

"Did everyone leave?"

"Yeah, Moffat called it a day. I think he's still around, though, if you'd like to talk to him."

Alex shook her head, her eyes closing. She knew this feeling. That empty, lightheaded feeling that always preceded a fall, and she tried to stop Jenna from leaving. Jenna noticed Alex's hesitation to move and frowned.

"Alex? What is it? What's wrong?"

Alex slowly sank to the floor, her head falling on her chest and Jenna didn't wait for an answer. She turned on her heel and ran, calling Matt's name as she did so.

"Alex? Alex, what is it?"

She raised her head slightly, her vision hazy, and when her eyes locked on his, the glassiness made him shake.

"Matt?"

"Right here, Kingston."

She smiled at his use of her surname, and he held out his hand.

"Can you stand?"

When she shook her head, he knelt down, looking at her urgently.

"I can't do this, Matt," she whispered.

Jenna was still standing nearby, but Matt didn't care anymore. She would find out soon enough anyway. He shook his head, looking in her eyes.

"Don't you see how far you've come already? You have a lot to be proud of, and every reason to keep moving forward. You can do this."

There were tears falling down her face now, and she wiped them away furiously.

"I'm so fucking pathetic and weak. I can't do this."

Matt took her hands in his, his eyes never once leaving hers.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before and that, my love, is bravery. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you're not going to let this win. I'm not going to, either."

Matt reached out to wipe away her tears and when a sob escaped her lips, Matt pulled her against him in a hug that was so tight that it seemed he was trying to quite literally hold her together.

"Jenna, thank you for everything you did today," Matt murmured as he led Alex back to her trailer.

Jenna could only nod as she watched them walk away.

* * *

Alex sat on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, and sighed. She always had to mentally prepare herself for this, but it never really made it easier. As soon as she stuck her fingers down her throat, she coughed, pretending she didn't feel the pain of her nails scratching the back of her throat. She tried to be as quiet as possible, glancing at the locked door every time she coughed a bit too loudly.

Finally, several paranoid minutes later, she made her way into the bedroom, nearly collapsing on the bed. Matt, still sleeping, wrapped his arm around her from behind and she moved slightly closer. Just as she closed her eyes, she felt a bit of relief wash over her. She was clean now. Pure.

"Did you really think that I wouldn't hear you?"

Matt's voice, quiet but still loud in the darkness, startled her and she jumped.

"What?"

"Alex, I'm not stupid. I just wish you would at least try. You've given up. When you let this control you, you turn into someone else. It's like you're two completely different people. One of them, I love more than life itself. The other...I just don't understand. Don't you _want_ to get better?"

"Matt," she sighed, "it's not that easy. Of course I do. But I don't know how. I'm not sure I even remember how to eat normally."  
"I will tie you down to a chair if that helps you stop. Please, love. One thing. Eat just one thing and keep it down. At least once a day. Please. For me."

Alex turned in his arms, facing him.

"Matt...I don't know if I can."

"Yes, you can, love. I'll do anything to help you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I'm not giving up on you. Don't make me be the only one."

"Matt-"

"Tell me what I've got to do, because I'm not getting through to you obviously. You always say that I don't understand, but you're not giving me a chance to. How do I get through all the walls that you keep building? Please, tell me how."

Alex shook her head, trying to make him understand.

"Matt...I can't answer that. I don't have the answer. You want one, and I want one, but there isn't one. I'm sorry."

Matt wrapped her in his arms and placed a light kiss on her temple. She was trying to keep her emotions in check, but soon realised that it was futile. She buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Matt, and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I know that I don't deserve it, but please...please don't leave me."

Matt pulled back, looking at her seriously.

"Why would I leave you? I know that this is difficult right now, but we can get through this. I promise."

The ringing of Matt's phone startled them both and Alex jumped.

"Hello?"

* * *

Alex stood shakily and made her way into the bedroom, sinking wearily onto the bed. She ran a hand through her hair and pulled the blankets around her. She was already asleep when Matt came in the room a few minutes later. He smiled sadly and brushed her hair back gently.

"I love you," he whispered.

Karen sat on the couch across from Matt, listening to him recount what had happened at rehearsal with concerned eyes.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Is she going to agree to therapy?"

"She already has, but her first appointment isn't until next week."

The Scottish girl nodded understandingly.

"Is she going to make it that long?"

Matt sighed, running his hand over the light stubble on his face. Karen noticed for the first time the drastic change in him: the ragged clothing, his five o' clock shadow, the dark circles under his eyes.

"Matt, please. Take care of yourself. You need to get some sleep. You're exhausted."

"I'm fine," he protested.

Karen gave him a look and he sighed.

"Okay, fine, but someone needs to help her."

"She's sleeping. Go lie down next to her and sleep for awhile. I'll be here if you need anything."

Matt nodded distractedly, shutting the bedroom door behind him. He fully expected to toss and turn for a long time, but he had no sooner closed his eyes than he was asleep. For the first time in months, he didn't dream.


	12. Steady Love

**A/N: I'm back, my loves! Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Yogurt was safe. Pickles were safe. Fish was occasionally safe. Soup was safe. What was sitting in front of Alex was decidedly _not_ safe. The plate of bread and peanut butter was daunting for a multitude of reasons. One, the bread. Loaded with starch and calories, and much too rich for her liking. Two, the peanut butter. Riddled with fat and even more calories than the bread, she couldn't even _think_ of eating it.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

Her eyes flickered to Matt before answering. Jenna didn't mean any harm by the question, but she felt a surge of panic fill her entire body.

"N-nothing."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded slowly before answering.

"I just don't feel well."

Jenna nodded understandingly. Matt narrowed his eyes at her and she smiled apologetically. When he didn't speak, she knew she had messed up. Jenna excused herself for a moment, and as soon as she was at a safe distance, Matt rounded on her.

"What are you playing at, Kingston?"

"I'm trying, Matt. I really am. This is just too much. I don't think I can."

Matt sighed, knowing how complicated sandwiches seemed to be for her. He found comfort in the fact that Alex's second appointment with the psychiatrist was only half an hour away. Jenna returned and they excused themselves, apologizing profusely. Jenna waved the words away, and Alex smiled. Of all the places she could be going, therapy was not high on the list.

* * *

"How are you feeling today, Alex?"

"Today was...rough. I couldn't eat a simple sandwich. I feel so pathetic."

Matt reached over to take her hand. She smiled at the reassurance, and continued.

"I completely fucked up. It was just a damn sandwich!"

The woman laughed. Alex glared at her, angry tears threatening to show up at any moment.

"It isn't funny, Dr. Vidal."

"Why do you feel the need to be perfect? At the end of the day, if I did okay, it's just fine."

"Maybe for _you_ , but I can't have that."

"Why not?"

"Because," Alex paused, trying to think of a way to explain, "because your "okay" is better than my absolute best. I need to be perfect just to come close."

The tears had finally made their appearance, and Matt looked at her sadly. This was how she saw herself? How was it possible? He mentally kicked himself for not telling her more often how proud he was of her progress.

"But you don't, Alex. No one I know is perfect. At the end of the day, even if all you did was breathe, that's amazing. You've come so very far, and if you keep believing in yourself, you'll go much farther."

Matt rubbed his finger lightly over the back of her hand, and the mere presence was enough to ground her. Dr. Vidal noticed this and smiled.

"I've been wondering, Alex, what do you do to calm yourself down when you feel panicked?"

"I-I tried meditation, but I don't think I did it right," Alex laughed slightly.

"I'd like to try it now, if you don't mind."

Alex shrugged.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt."

"Okay, Alex. I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind as much as possible. Then picture an image. It can be anything you want, as long as it's constant. Can you do that?"

"I'll try."

Alex closed her eyes, feeling foolish, especially since Matt was next to her. As she tried to silence her thoughts, she sighed, wondering what exactly was supposed to be happening.

"You can open your eyes now."

She did so, running a hand nervously through her hair,

"What did you see?"

"I-I saw a branch floating down a river, getting stuck in a mud bank, then detaching itself and then continuing on."

"Very good. My interpretation of that is that you are the branch. The mud bank is your eating disorder, cutting, anxiety, and self image. It may seem impossible right now, but eventually, you will break free."

Alex's fingers were nervously shredding the tissue in her lap, and Matt stopped her with a gentle hand intertwining their fingers.

"I want you to visualize this every time you feel anxious. Are you cutting?"

"Not yet. I think about it all the time. Just a few neat slices, easy if you have a good razor, and then I would stop."

Dr. Vidal shook her head sadly.

"You don't stop after a few slices, Alex. You always mean to, but you don't. I don't have to worry about you when you leave here, do I?"

Matt spoke up then, his voice somewhat hoarse from holding back tears.

"No. We don't have any sharp objects in the house."

"Good. I want to see you back here in two weeks, scar free. Okay?"

Alex nodded silently, knowing that if she ever became really determined, she would find a way around Matt's observant eyes.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi. Mum."

Alex smiled at the sound of her daughter's voice. It had been so long since she'd spoken to her.

"What's up, darling?"

"I wanted to make sure that you were okay."

Alex frowned.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Mum, I know you're sick. I'm not blind. Dad keeps trying to hide it from me, but I can see it. Even he's worried."

Matt entered the room, and Alex waved as he passed, waiting until he left to listen more closely.

"I'm scared. What if you die? What would happen to me?"

Alex felt the tears welling up in her eyes again, and they began to fall down her face. Slowly at first, but faster with every word her daughter said.

"Listen, little girl, I'm here to stay. I know you're scared, so let me tell you: you're okay, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere. "

Alex fought to keep the tears out of her voice. The walls she'd built could protect her only for so long. When she finally hung up the phone some minutes later, Alex collapsed on the floor, sobbing. Matt heard her from the living room and quickly rushed to her side.

"Alex? What's wrong?"

She shook her head, her hair sticking to her face. Matt freed one of the curls and another sob escaped her lips at his touch. Her phone rang again and Matt answered it, wanting Alex to be left in peace. When he held it out to her, she accepted it slowly.

"Hello?"

"Why did he answer your phone?"

Alex didn't bother to mask her tears this time.

"I just spoke with Salome. She's upset."

"I know," Florian said softly, "it sounds like she's not the only one."

She half-laughed, half-sobbed at his words.

"I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to a doctor, but it doesn't seem to be helping."

Matt took the phone from her hand gently and hung it up without a word. Normally, Alex would have chastised him, but she was beyond caring.

"You have to give it time, love. The appointments, Salome, yourself. It won't magically go away."

He was nearly quoting her own words back to her. She flung herself into his arms, burying her face in his chest. He held her, quietly whispering in her ear, and kissed the top of her head. When he picked her up to place her on the bed, she began struggling, not trusting anyone at the moment, least of all herself.

"Matt, stop it! Put me down! Matt!"

She stopped fighting him after he unceremoniously dropped her onto the bed, his eyes sad.

"I'm going to go in the living room and call Arthur. I think we're in need of cheering up."

* * *

Arthur watched her carefully, noticing how nervous she was. Her fingers were fidgeting anxiously and when she caught him watching her she glared.

"What?" she snapped.

"Alex..." Matt warned.

"What? I'm tired of people looking at me like that. I'm tired of people asking if I'm okay. And I'm really tired of you carrying me around like a child."

Matt stood, looking down at her.

"Well, maybe when you can walk more than six steps without falling, I won't have to!"

He picked her up again, ignoring her screams and the way she hit his chest with her fists. It was only a slight pain, and he realized with horror that she was hitting him as hard as she could.

"Matt, put me down! This is ridiculous."

"You obviously don't care about the fact that we care about you, and until you decide to, I don't think I should be around you."

"Matt! Put me down! Let go! What the fuck are you doing?"

"Alex, you're throwing the fact that we're trying to help you and that we love you in our faces. We aren't going anywhere and until you truly understand that, nothing you try is going to work."

He placed her back down on the couch, and when she raised her eyes to look at Arthur, the embarrassment was almost palpable.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"It's okay, Alex. Don't worry about it. Really."

Matt still hadn't returned from the kitchen, so Arthur stood up to locate him. He found him standing with his head resting against the refrigerator, one hand in his hair.

"Matt?"

He turned slowly, not really looking up.

"Are you okay, mate?"

"I can't do it anymore. I've been watching her die for months, and it's killing me. I can't walk away, I don't _want_ to walk away, but I don't know if I can help her anymore."

Arthur nodded, placing a hand on Matt's shoulder.

"I know. Maybe she needs to go someplace away from here. Somewhere that you can still be near her, but not constantly reminded."

"She would never agree to that."

" _Make_ her go. You could lose her forever if you don't."

Matt sighed, nodding slowly.

"Will you help me?"

"Of course."

* * *

Alex was furious. They couldn't make her do this. It wasn't right. More to the point, it wasn't fair. When they entered the facility, Alex did little to hide her disdain, caused Matt to nudge her lightly with his arm.

"Ms. Kingston? All we have to do here is have you sign a few papers and then you'll be free to go to your room."

She sighed angrily, and refused to take the outstretched pen. She'd managed to walk a fair distance today, and didn't want to waste her energy on something that she really didn't want in the first place.

"Alex, sign the papers. Please. This is going to help you."

She glared at Matt, her eyes hard.

"I don't want to do this."

"I know, but would you do it for me? Please?"

Alex stared at him for a long moment, daring him to back down. When he didn't, she let her eyes flicker down and took the pen. They stood after a few more moments of signing, and as soon as she thought they were in the clear, she slapped Matt as hard as she could. He blinked in surprise and when Alex was pulled away from him, he ran forward.

"Wait! It's okay. I pretty much deserved that," turning to Alex, he continued. "I know that you don't want to be here, but don't you see? This is going to help. You're going to get better here."

"I hate you," she hissed, her eyes colder than he'd ever seen them.

"I know," he paused, "but I'd rather have you hate me and be alive."

He kissed her forehead gently and felt the tears begin falling as she was pulled away, screaming his name.

* * *

Alex paced around the room nervously, noting the two beds in the room. She supposed that she'd have a roommate, then. A few moments later, the mystery was solved as a painfully thin but beautiful girl entered the room. She offered Alex a smile and held out her hand.

"Hi. I'm Adrienne."

"Alex," she replied, shaking her hand.

"I know. I'm a fan of your work."

She smiled for a moment before continuing.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you don't like people falling all over you."

"No, it's okay."

Adrienne sat cross-legged on her bed, looking at her bag curiously.

"Would you like help unpacking?"

"Sure."

Together, they make quick work of putting Alex's few allowed possessions in the drawers of the cabinet. The one thing she left out was the sweatshirt she had taken from Matt. She pulled it on and inhaled the scent that was so uniquely Matt. Adrienne watched her with a smile.

"Your boyfriend's?"

"Fiance," Alex corrected.

"What's his name?"

Alex couldn't keep the smile from her face. "Matt."

"I've always liked that name. Is it the same Matt who plays the Doctor?"

Alex nodded. Adrienne clapped her hands excitedly.

"I knew it! You two are so cute together! I love it!"

A knock on the door caused Alex to jump, and the nurse apologized quickly.

"It's lunch time, you two. Adrienne, can you show Alex where to go?"

The younger girl nodded, her dark hair falling briefly in her face. It was short, reaching just barely to her shoulders, and the ends were coloured blue. It reminded Alex of a more carefree time when she would have felt comfortable enough to try fun colours in her hair. Alex looked at her wistfully for a few seconds before following her into what resembled a school cafeteria. As soon as she entered, she was struck by how cold it was and began to shiver.

"Do you need a blanket, Alex?"

The quiet voice at her shoulder startled her for a moment and when she turned, a nurse was holding out a thick blanket. She accepted it gratefully, and wrapped it around her shoulders. Adrienne waved her over and she was relieved to have a place to sit. She joined the table of girls and she could feel everyone but Adrienne staring at her.

"Aren't you-"

"Shut up, Rachel," Adrienne interrupted, "Alex, this is Laurie, Florence, Jamie, and the idiot who got star-struck is Rachel."

She smiled at each of them in turn, and mentally committed them to memory. Laurie's sharp features, visible collarbones, and light brown hair, Florence's red hair, her light blue eyes that looked translucent, Jamie's long dark hair and eyes, the smile that came easily, and Rachel's emerald hair, accented by highlights of blue.

Together, they all waited as the nurses placed servings of meat, vegetables, and bread on their plates, and Alex felt a fresh wave of fear crash over her. There was no way she would be able to eat all of it. Jamie picked up her fork first, but made no move to use it. Adrienne poked the meat experimentally, trying to figure out what it was.

"This looks disgusting," Laurie commented.

Alex nodded, and picked up her fork slowly. Already, she could feel the tears in her eyes and she hated herself more than ever. This was pathetic.

"Come on, ladies. You know the rules. Finish it all, or no one gets to leave."

Alex's eyes widened.

"Is she serious?"

Jamie nodded sadly, finally having worked up the courage to spear a carrot with her fork. It lingered near her lips and finally she placed it in her mouth. She scraped her teeth along the tines of the fork, never once letting it touch her lips. Adrienne began the long process of cutting the meat in front of her, her eyes hard.

Alex tried to find the strength to begin eating, and sighed. She was the only one who hadn't begun eating, and she felt terrible for holding everyone there. Her tears finally won the battle and they dripped down onto her bread. She took a hesitant bite and swallowed, feeling it scrape its way down her throat.

Finally, she had finished, and by that time everyone was shivering and as they all stood, Alex offered her apologies. Florence waved her off, answering in her quiet voice.

"Don't worry. The first night is always the hardest."

Alex nodded, following Adrienne into their room. As soon as the door closed behind them, Alex couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face. She felt so ashamed for crying in front of this girl she had only just met, but she couldn't stop. She fell face down on the bed, sobbing into the pillow. The blanket she had been clutching dropped to the floor, and she instantly felt cold again. She felt the bed shift as Adrienne sat down, rubbing her back soothingly.

"I'm sorry," Alex sobbed.

"It's okay, Alex. It's always hard at first. It gets easier. I promise."

"I don't want to be here."

"I know. But you have to be strong. Even if you feel like it's worthless, just think of Matt. He wants you to be healthy, and deep down, you want that, too."

"Adrienne? How old are you?"

"Twenty," she answered, confused, "Why?"

"You're so smart and strong."

Adrienne sighed.

"I wasn't always. I tried everything to cope with my life, to make me forget. Drinking, drugs, cutting, and now I'm here. You name it, I've probably done it."

Alex sat up, wiping her face with her hands.

"You seem so mature. It's amazing, really."

"Thanks."

Adrienne stood and made her way back to her own bed.

"I can't believe I'm sharing a room with River Song. This is incredible."

Alex shrugged.

"It's not that great. I'm just a person."

Adrienne switched on her reading light as the sun began to sink and pulled out a book. Alex looked over curiously.

"What are you reading?"

" _Triad_. Have you ever read it?"

Alex shook her head. As she sat pondering her current situation, the nurse opened the door slowly.

"Lights out, ladies. Adrienne, I'm looking at you."

The girl turned the light off and sighed.

"I didn't even get to read it."

Alex let out a sigh of her own and closed her eyes, wondering where Matt was, and if he was thinking of her. She hoped he was.

* * *

 **A/N: Here it is. Review, please?**


	13. Dark Waltz

**A/N: I'm on a roll, guys! Hopefully, I can keep up the pace. Enjoy! On a side note, has anyone figured out the pattern of chapter titles?**

* * *

Matt sighed, painfully aware of how quiet his flat was. Alex's absence hovered over him like a dark cloud, and he missed her terribly. A week had never seemed so long before, and he briefly wondered if he would be able to visit her. He quickly punched in the number of the facility where Alex was staying, and after a quick conversation with the nurse, he made a mad dash for his car.

As soon as he entered the building, he was struck by the the warm temperature. He was shown to the room reserved for meeting guests, and noticed how much it reminded him of a living room. This, he supposed, was to make the residents feel more at ease. He couldn't bring himself to think of these people as patients. It sounded too cold.

Alex walked in the room, accompanied by a nurse and he smiled instantly. She offered him a hesitant smile in return, no doubt thinking about the last time she'd seen him. She sat opposite of him and immediately began fidgeting with her hands, a sure sign that she was anxious.

"How are you?"

"I'm not really sure," she admitted, "How are you?"

"Okay, but I miss you."

"Matt, listen. I'm sorry about what I said the last time I saw you. I don't-I don't hate you."

He smiled, taking her hand to still it.

"It's okay, love. I know."

She paused for a moment before asking her next question.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Coming here."

Matt laughed lightly.

"Because you're here, and I love you."

Alex was struggling to form coherent thoughts through the haze that her medications had created.

"What if this keeps happening?"

Matt took her cold hand and kissed it.

"It won't, love."

"What if it _does_?"

"It won't."

"Matt...it _will_."

Tears began to fall, unwelcome, down her face, and Matt held her in his arms, lightly placing a kiss on her temple. When one of the nurses brought Alex's dinner plate, he was a bit uneasy when he saw the sandwich resting there. They were so difficult for her, and he pulled away from her, looking at her seriously.

"You can do this, Kingston. I know you can."

Tentatively, she reached for the sandwich, and began disassembling it. First she removed the bread, pulling the meat from it, and trying desperately to scrape off the cheese when the nurse passed by again.

"Alex, you know the rules."

She sighed, stopping her futile attempt and began eating the meat slowly. Each bite made her even more uncomfortable, and Matt hated seeing her so upset.

"I know you can do this."

She sighed, keeping her head down and Matt placed another kiss on her forehead. She could taste the saltiness of her tears and that only made her cry harder. Finally, several agonizing minutes later, she had finished all of the food on her plate. She set it to the side, and he kissed her hand lightly.

"You did it, love. I'm so proud of you.

The same nurse who had brought out the plate tapped Matt on the shoulder.

"Visiting hours are over, sir."

He stood slowly, noticing the death grip Alex had on his hand. He gently pried her fingers loose and she reached out again.

"Matt, please don't leave."

"I have to, love. I'm sorry. I'll be back tomorrow."

"No, you won't," she sobbed.

"I will. I promise."

He leaned down to kiss her softly.

"I love you so much, Alex," he whispered.

Finally, she released his hand and watched him sadly as he walked away, fully prepared for the possibility she would never see him again.

* * *

As he entered his flat, Matt sighed slowly. Seeing Alex...she'd looked so sad, so desperate, so... _broken_. He hadn't expected it to hurt this much. He ran a hand through his hair and pulled out his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kaz."

"Matt, hi! How are you?"

"I-I saw Alex today."

"That's great!" she exclaimed, "How was she?"

"She wasn't...she wasn't Alex. She was so distant from the medication, and when she was coherent, she was nearly hysterical. She wouldn't let go of my hand when I had to leave. I had to literally pry her fingers loose."

"Oh, Matt. I'm sorry."

"She did manage to eat, though. That's progress."

He could hear Karen's smile in her voice.

"Good. She's doing better, then."

He nodded, though she couldn't see him.

"I know, but she was just so...different."

"Just give her time. She'll be herself again soon."

"I guess. I think I'm going to try to sleep."

"Okay, Matt. Good luck."

He hung up and made his way into the bedroom, collapsing on the bed. He could still faintly smell the remnants of Alex's perfume on the pillow next to him, and he smiled sadly. As he began to fall asleep, his dreaming mind filled him with visions of Alex, her bright smile the last thing he saw.

* * *

"Alex, do you think maybe you could try putting on actual clothes today?"

Alex sat in her pajamas, her hair wild and unkempt, slippers adorning her feet. She shook her head frantically, the mere thought of moving from the bed causing her to panic. Adrienne turned to glare at the nurse.

"Leave her alone. If she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to."

The nurse looked at her.

"Watch your tone, Adrienne."

"Well, leave her alone. She doesn't need you nagging her."

Finally, the nurse sighed and left them in silence. Alex broke that silence shortly after, turning to her roommate.

"Thanks for that."

Adrienne nodded.

"Anytime."

"What time is it?"

"Six minutes until six."

Alex gave a small smile. Matt would be here soon, providing that he came at all. The thought calmed her, then sent her into a panic.

"What if he doesn't come?"

"He will, Alex. He comes every day."

"What if this time he doesn't?"

Adrienne crossed the short distance between their beds and wrapped her arms around Alex comfortingly.

"He will. He loves you."

Alex shook her head, her hands trembling.

"He's not going to come. He's gotten tired of me, of my craziness, of all the shit I put him through."

"Not a chance, Kingston."

Alex's head whipped around at the sound of his voice. He nodded at Adrienne.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Matt."

"Adrienne. I've heard a lot about you."

She stood and returned to her own bed, looking wistfully at the couple, smiling sadly as Matt wrapped his arms around her and led her into the visiting room. Alex followed him like a child, clinging to his jacket like a lifeline. When they reached the room, Matt lowered her into a comfortable chair, sitting across from her.

"I like your pajamas," he said conversationally, "They look warm."

"They are," she murmured.

Matt looked at her and felt a piece of his heart shatter. He wasn't sure if this place was actually doing her any good.

"Matt?"

"Sorry, love. I was just thinking."

"I talked in group therapy today."

"That's wonderful, Alex! What did you say?"

She paused, trying to remember. The memory came to her for a fleeting moment, then

disappeared.

"I think I talked about you, actually. It's a little fuzzy."

Matt leaned over to kiss her gently.

"Still. You did it. I'm so proud."

"Good. I like making you proud of me. Even if I don't deserve it."

"You're trying and you're doing so well. I'll always be proud of you."

When the nurse came by with her nightly medicine, Alex's eyes widened. She hadn't expected this. She didn't want him to see her take the pills. That would only solidify the reality that she was crazy.

"Alex? Take the pills."

"I don't want to. Not right now."

Matt looked at her strangely.

"Alex? What is it?"

She felt the tears in her eyes and tried to explain.

"It...it would make it real. This just confirms that I really am crazy."

"You're not crazy. You've been sick. You're getting better every day. Soon you'll be able to come home."

"How soon?"

Matt smiled at her.

"In about two weeks. You still have to see Dr. Vidal once a week and take your medicine, but at least you'll be home."

For the first time in weeks, Alex felt something that she hadn't felt in a long time: hope.

* * *

When she stepped out into the bright sunlight, Alex blinked furiously. She was a bit sad to be leaving Adrienne, though she had promised to call, but overall she was ready to go home. Halfway there, she began to get confused by the buildings.

"Matt?"

"What?"

"Where are we going?"

Matt smiled, taking her hand with the one that wasn't on the wheel.

"Home. They released you, remember?"

She nodded slowly, her eyes becoming heavy. She began falling asleep, her head tapping against the window. Matt glanced over at her anxiously, shaking her shoulder.

"Alex. Wake up, love."

She blinked and turned her head toward him.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her words a bit slurred.

As he stopped the car, Matt looked at her, feeling more than a little uneasy. Even at her drunkest, she'd never been so unaware of her surroundings.

"Alex? We're home, love."

"Hmm?"

"We're home," he repeated softly.

When he opened her car door, she didn't move. He held out his hand to help support her, and she stared at it, not comprehending what she was supposed to do. After he didn't get a response, he lifted her carefully out of the car and set her down long enough to grab her bag. He led her up to the door and she swayed on her feet as she waited for him to open the door. This was beyond alarming, no matter hard he tried to rationalise it.

Alex sat down on the bed, quite literally staring at nothing. When Matt entered the room, he quickly rushed to kneel in front of her.

"Alex? Alex?! What's wrong? Please, love, tell me what's wrong."

She blinked, looking down at him with eyes that were hazy and unfocused.

"I...I don't like these new pills."

Matt didn't either, but he tried to remain positive.

"It will get better. Do you think you could lie down?"

She nodded slowly, and laid down on her side of the bed, closing her eyes. Within seconds, she was sleep. Matt watched her for a few moments before going into the living room. Sighing, he pulled out his phone.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Vidal, this is Matt Smith. I'm calling for Alex Kingston."

"Of course! How is she doing?"

"Well, these new medications she's on...she's so out of touch with everything. Barely able to form a sentence. She can't stay like this. What do I do?"

"Until she comes in for her next appointment, keep a close eye on her. I don't want her to stop taking them abruptly. That could cause even more damage."

"Thank you."

He hung up, feeling even more helpless than before. Nothing he did was helping, and he hated seeing Alex like this. Sighing, he made his way back into the bedroom, determined to be there if she woke up. His mind corrected the phrase immediately.

"Not _if_. _When_ she wakes up. She will. I know she will."

He refused to even entertain the possibility that she wouldn't wake up. She had to wake up. There was no other option. She had to.

* * *

 **Review?**


	14. Crystallize

**A/N: Hello, my loves! Here's part 14!**

* * *

"How are you feeling, Alex?"

Alex gave no indication that she'd heard the question, sitting next to Matt, her hands in her lap. Her fingers were still for once, but when Matt reached for her hand, they were ice cold.

"See? This is what I'm talking about. Alex? Alex!"

She blinked and shook her head slowly to clear it.

"What?"

Matt sighed.

"Nothing, love."

Dr. Vidal watched her for a moment before turning to Matt.

"This isn't good. I mean, yes, it's good that she isn't cutting or anything like it, but..."

"She isn't doing anything. She doesn't even know where she is."

"Exactly. I'm going to gradually decrease the dosage until she no longer has to take it. Stopping it altogether would be too much of a shock to her system."

Matt nodded.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

He stood, shaking her hand profusely. He pulled Alex gently to her feet and led her carefully out of the room, her eyes never once moving.

* * *

The next few days showed improvement, but it was clear that she still had quite a while until the medication completely left her system. Her responses were slower than usual in coming, but they at least came. Her eyes moved slightly, tracking Matt's movements in the room, and the first time he noticed her watching him, he ran to her and kissed her. She blinked slowly.

"What was that for?"

"I-nothing. You just seem better today."

"Better?" she said, testing the word on her lips.

"Yeah. More...yourself, you know?"

"Oh."

She settled back against the couch, and her hands shook, both from cold and lack of nutrients. Matt ran to the bedroom and returned moments later clutching a warm blanket which he wrapped around her, and slippers. He lifted one foot and slid the soft slipper on, following suit with the other. She buried herself in the tangle of blankets and he smiled.

"Does that help?"

"Yes. Thank you."

He tapped the end of her nose lightly.

"I love you."

She smiled, and he nearly jumped in excitement.

"I love you, too."

Those words had never sounded more beautiful, and he pulled her into his arms, holding her against him tightly. She tapped his shoulder with her fingernail and he looked down at her.

"I can't breathe, Matt."

He relaxed his hold, but refused to let go entirely. This was the most she had seemed like herself in months, and he wasn't about to miss it. She buried her face in his shirt and inhaled the scent of his cologne. Matt kissed the top of her head when she felt a tear land in her hair, she pulled back.

"Matt? What's wrong?"

"I just.." he paused, taking a deep breath, "I've missed you so much. Please don't ever leave me again, Alex."

She frowned, trying to follow his thoughts even through the haze of her own.

"I-I don't understand. Leave? I'm right here. I'm not leaving."

Matt half-laughed.

"You've not really been here, though. Physically, yes. Other than that...you've been somewhere that I couldn't get to. I couldn't reach you."

Alex raised her head to get a better look at him, and as her eyes took in the state Matt was in, she had never felt more ashamed of herself.

"I'm so sorry, Matt. I've been so selfish. I put you through so much, and you have every right to hate me."

"I could never hate you, Alex. Never."

Alex's phone rang, and she jumped. Matt handed it to her and she answered it a bit more harshly than she meant to.

"A-Alex? Are you busy? Can we talk? I mean-it's cool if you're busy, but I just thought that-"

Alex interrupted with a wave of her hand that only Matt saw.

"Adrienne, stop. Slow down. What's wrong?"

On her end of the line, Adrienne sighed.

"My new roommate is horrible. I can't stand her. Things have gotten so much worse since you left. I miss being able to talk to you."

Alex smiled sadly.

"You can still talk to me, sweetie. But maybe later today? My brain is still a bit foggy."

Foggy, indeed. She was struggling to keep up with her own thoughts, let alone those of anyone else.

"Just ring me in about an hour, okay?"

Adrienne sniffed and Alex could tell the younger girl was crying.

"Okay. You promise that we can talk then?"

"Absolutely. I promise."

Alex hung up the phone and laid back in Matt's arms, hoping that when she woke an hour later, her thoughts would be clearer. Across town, in a small bedroom that Alex used to occupy, a dangerously thin and beautiful girl was standing in the room clutching the bleeding arm she had sliced open on a jagged piece of the window frame, watching the clock desperately.

* * *

Almost as if by magic, Alex's phone rang precisely an hour later, and she answered it a bit bewildered.

"Hello?"

"Alex? Are you busy?"

"No, not really."

"I-I just really needed to talk to you."

Alex smiled.

"Go ahead. I'm right here."

Adrienne sighed, unsure of where to begin.

"My new roommate is awful. She's so rude, and she complains if I read at night. The nurses have stopped doing blind weights on me. I always try my best not to look at the number, but I still do. Alex, I've gained so much! What am I going to do?"

"Nothing. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to gain weight some time, and if you gain enough to get out, you can come and visit me."

Alex ran a hand through her hair and as she listened to Adrienne cry on the other end of the phone, she felt an immense sadness come over her.

"Adrienne?"

"Yeah?"

"Something else is wrong, isn't it? You didn't call me just to talk about your roommate and nurses, did you?"

The silence was answer enough, but Alex broke it anyway.

"Adrienne?"

"No..." she was crying again.

"What happened, sweetie?"

"I...there was a piece of the window frame that broke off. None of the nurses have noticed it yet. Things have been really bad lately. My head won't shut up and I couldn't take it anymore."

Adrienne stopped speaking, the tears rendering it impossible for her to continue. Alex's own tears began falling as she realised what Adrienne meant. She tried to keep her voice calm, but the tears were obvious even to her.

"Oh, sweetie. Why?"

"I don't know. I mean, I do know, but...you know what I mean."

"Yes," Alex sighed, "I know what you mean."

A sudden idea occurred to her and she smiled.

"Adrienne, I have an idea. If I could arrange for a surprise to find its way to you so that it would stop you from doing it again, would you take it?"

"What is it?"

Alex laughed.

"It's a surprise, silly girl."

Alex said her goodbyes and hung up, beginning a frantic search for two items she had that she knew would help the younger girl.

* * *

Alex was nearly knocked off of her feet when Adrienne flung herself on her shoulders, and only Matt's steady hand at her back kept her upright.

"Alex! I've missed you so much! Matt, hi!"

She launched herself at Matt next, and he laughed. Leaning in toward them both, she lowered her voice.

"See that girl over there? The one with the red hair and blonde highlights that Florence looks like she wants to choke? That's my new roommate."

Alex looked over at Florence and followed her icy gaze. She saw the girl in question and pointedly made her way over to Florence.

"Hey, Flo."

Florence smiled at the nickname.

"Hi, Alex. How're you?"

Alex shook her head.

"Not the issue. How are _you_?"

The redhead sighed.

"I'm being released on Friday."

Alex knew better than to smile. It was painfully obvious that she was in no condition to be released, but she knew that her doctors disagreed. They'd believed the act that this girl had so painstakingly crafted, and Alex placed her hand on her shoulder.

"If you need to talk, give me a ring. So," she lowered her voice conspiratorially, "who's the new girl?"

Florence genuinely laughed.

"That's Lindsey. Adrienne's new roommate. She's not very social."

Alex smiled knowingly.

"I wasn't in my first few days, either," she reminded her, "Why don't you try to get Adrienne to talk to her?"

"I'll try."

Florence stood up to give her a hug and when she swayed on her feet, Alex caught her in her own arms, steadying her.

"Did they see?"

Alex shook her head minutely.

"Your secret is safe with me."

Though she knew she shouldn't, she meant it. Patients on an eating disorders unit are ridiculously supportive, each wanting to be thinner than the other. She left her to go stand with Adrienne and Matt, holding out her hand.

"The first surprise is something that Matt gave me a long time ago. It's a small thing, but it's helped me so much. I hope it can help you, too."

She took the item from Matt, and opened it for her to see. A tiny music box rested in her hand, and when she opened it, the theme from Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Think of Me" played.

" _Phantom of the Opera_ , right?"

Alex nodded.

"It's beautiful, Alex. Thank you."

She gestured for Matt to hand her the next item, which she kept hidden behind her back.

"This one is something I swiped myself because there was more than one copy. I want you to write down what's going on in your mind whenever you feel like you want to cut. Okay?"

Adrienne nodded. Alex pulled out the tiny book and Adrienne let out a cry of delight.

"River Song's journal?! Alex, seriously?!"

She passed it to the girl, smiling at the way her eyes lit up. Adrienne threw herself on Alex once more, and again Matt's hand was there to keep her upright.

"Thank you so much, Alex!"

Alex smiled, happy to have made her so excited. All in all, it had been a good day. She should have been more careful. She should have seen it for what it was: a warning.

* * *

 **A/N: Dun dun dunnnnnn! Review, please?**


	15. Shatter Me

**A/N: Holy TARDIS of Gallifrey! I've never updated this frequently before! Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Alex stepped on the scale and sighed. So much weight in so little time. She had known this would happen, but she hadn't expected it to be so soon. She quietly made her way into the living room, lacing up her tennis shoes as soon as she sat on the couch. Matt, she hoped, was still out with Arthur and wouldn't be back for a while.

She closed the door behind her and began the process of stretching. As she ran, she could feel her heart beat in time with her shoes hitting the pavement. It had been so long since she'd gone running. She'd missed the feeling of peace, the way every thought flew from her mind. Already, she could feel the anxiety leaving her and she swept her hair into a higher ponytail.

She turned around and headed in the direction she had just come from. She had to make it home before Matt. As she rounded the corner, something changed. It was a strange pressure settling deep within her chest and she slowed her pace. Maybe she had simply overdone it the first time out. She barely made it to the front door before she collapsed against it, the frame being the only thing holding her up. She opened it slowly, and the added weight caused the door to fly open and she went crashing to the floor.

She had barely pulled herself up onto the couch and leaned back on the pillow before the door opened again and Matt walked in smiling.

"Hey, Alex! How was your day? Arthur and I had a—what's wrong?"

Alex didn't answer, her breathing shallow and fast. Matt rushed to kneel in front of her, searching her eyes desperately.

"What is it, Alex?"

Alex tried to speak, but her vocal chords refused to work.

"M-Matt...I-"

Matt picked her up and ran to his car. He drove faster than was probably safe, but when they pulled into the lot of the hospital, he could tell Alex was having even more difficulty breathing. He wrapped his arms around her and half-led, half-carried her through the doors and up to the desk. He quickly explained the circumstances to the attending nurse and she sighed.

"Sir, I've told you before that we don't have the proper resources here. We can treat the symptoms, but nothing else."

He nodded.

"I know, but she can't breathe. Something's wrong."

"Sir, in cases like Ms. Kingston's, this is pretty common. Now, if there's nothing else that you need, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry."

Matt angrily swept Alex into his arms, too furious to notice her wince of pain. As they drove home, he sat next to her, muttering curses under his breath. Alex, now having somewhat regained her ability to speak, placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Matt," she whispered, "stop, sweetie. It's not worth it."

"Yes, it is. I'm fucking tired of this being ignored by 'health care professionals', if you want to call them that."

She said something so quietly that he didn't hear it, and he glanced at her before returning his gaze to the road.

"What?"

" _I'm_ not worth this. Don't get angry at them for doing their job. I'm not worth it."

With a single sentence, she'd taken the wind completely out of his sails, and his anger morphed into anguish. As soon as it was safe, he parked the car and turned in his seat to look at her.

"Alex...please. Please don't say that. You're worth everything to me."

She didn't answer and he resumed driving, hoping when he got them home he could show her just how much she meant to him. Minutes later, he helped her out of the car and carried her the short distance to the door.

"I think I'm going to try to sleep."

He nodded and when she disappeared into the bedroom, he picked up his phone.

"Hey, Kaz. Can you bring something over to my flat? I'll pay you back, I swear."

"Sure."

He quickly explained what he needed, and made his way into the bedroom to check on Alex. He found her resting on the bed and the movement of her breathing was so faint that he wasn't even sure it was there.

"Alex? Alex?!"

She stirred from the bed and when he came to sit next to her, she tipped over into his lap. There was dried blood on her hands, her eyes hazy. Horrified, he pulled her shirt over her head as she sat, immobile. Fresh slices, some still dripping blood, covered her arms. He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a clean towel, pressing down as hard as he dared.

"Alex, what the fuck?!"

She blinked, and looked down at him.

"Matt?"

"What?" he snapped.

"What happened?"

"You cut up your arms, that's what happened! Are you fucking insane? You could die, you idiot!"

She flinched at this, and he felt a moment of guilt. It wasn't enough to quell his anger, however, and he glared at her.

"Get up."

She did as he asked, and as she sat down on the couch, there was a knock at the door. Matt answered it, completely forgetting that he'd called Karen. The redhead stepped in, her eyes widening at Alex's semi-bandaged arms. In her own arms, she carried a bouquet of red roses, accented by a few white lilies, and she gently placed them on the nearest table.

"Alex! Are you okay?"

"No," Matt snapped, "She's lost her damn mind!"

Matt knew that he should calm down, that Alex clearly had no recollection of doing it, but he was simply too angry. The months spent worrying, the sleepless nights, it was all beginning to catch up to him. He picked up the phone and called the number of the clinic Alex had previously been staying in. As he made preparations for her to be taken in, he paced back and forth in the small space while Karen went to find a suitable shirt for Alex to wear. Minutes later, he was leading her to the car, wrapping her in his jacket, and making a long drive that he never thought he would have to make again.

* * *

"Alex! What are you doing here?"

Adrienne was immensely glad to see her old roommate again, but when Alex didn't return the smile, she knew something was wrong. She watched as Matt began speaking with the nurses and suddenly Adrienne knew what had happened.

"Oh, Alex..."

Alex's eyes were filled with tears and Adrienne instantly threw her arms around her. Alex winced in pain, and the younger girl drew back, horrified.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Alex smiled sadly.

"It's okay, darling."

Matt made his way over to them, and wrapped his arms around Alex, hugging her fiercely.

"I've arranged for you to room with Adrienne again, and I'll come visit you tomorrow. I promise," he kissed her as hard as he could, "I love you, you psychopath."

"I'm all yours, sweetie."

He kissed her again and Alex watched him walk away sadly, never once releasing the death grip she had on the jacket still draped around her shoulders.

* * *

"What happened, Alex?"

Alex pushed up her sleeves in answer, and Adrienne gasped.

"Wha—how?"

"I don't know. I don't even remember doing it. It was like, I blinked and they were there."

Adrienne nodded sympathetically.

"Matt went absolutely mad. I haven't seen him that angry in, well...months, actually."

"I'm so sorry, Alex. I know it's hard. For both of you."

Alex sighed, laying down on the bed, watching as Adrienne pulled out her book. The same book she had, in fact, been trying to read the last time she'd been here.

"Do you mind?" she asked.

Alex shook her head.

"By all means."

Adrienne flashed her a smile and pushed her hair behind her ear to read. As Alex drifted off to sleep, she had never hated herself more than she did at that moment.

* * *

"Aren't you Alex Kingston?"

Alex nodded as the girl sitting opposite her studied her intently.

"What in the hell are you here for? Don't you have like, a shit-load of money?"

"Lindsey. Language."

Lindsey shrugged at the nurse and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"It's none of your business why she's here. Leave her alone."

Alex gave Laurie a look of thanks and Laurie smiled at her. Florence, it seemed, really had been released, leaving only Laurie, Jamie and Adrienne. When she asked after Rachel, Adrienne sighed.

"She had to be taken out by ambulance. No one has seen her since."

"That really sucks."

"No, it's fan-fucking-tastic, Kingston." Lindsey snapped.

"Lindsey! Language."

Alex bristled at the use of her surname. No one but Matt ever called her that, and she didn't particularly care for this girl doing it.

"It's Alex," she said quietly, "Thank you."

"Nah, I think I like Kingston better."

Alex glared at the girl, properly angry now.

"I'm not asking."

Adrienne pulled Alex from the table, careful of the cuts she now knew existed. Lindsey smirked at them as they passed.

"See you around, Kingston."

They made their way back to their shared room, Adrienne immediately shutting the door behind her.

"I can see why you didn't like rooming with her."

Adrienne nodded.

"She likes to cause trouble. I'd watch her, if I were you."

Alex sighed, throwing herself rather ungracefully on her bed, pulling Matt's jacket around her. She had over four hours until he would be coming to see her, and if she couldn't smell him as she was held in his arms, the jacket would just have to do.

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews help me improve, and I simply like getting your feedback.**


	16. Do Not Disturb

**A/N: Here you are, my loves! I do apologise for the wait. It's been a rough week. Enjoy!**

* * *

Matt opened the door to his flat and was instantly overwhelmed with sadness. There were remnants of Alex everywhere, and it was killing him to not be able to see her. He knew this was for the best, but he wanted her home, with him, where she belonged. He walked past the table, the now-forgotten roses still sitting where Karen had put them and made his way into the bedroom.

Alex's bloodstained shirt was still on the bed, and he picked it up, inhaling the scent of her perfume. He didn't know how she had done it or why, but he was determined to find out. He began searching the room for anything sharp enough to slice into her own skin, and his search proved in vain. Halfway back to the other side of the room, he caught sight of Alex's purse. Normally, he never would have touched her purse without her permission, but this seemed like a pretty damn good reason.

He dumped its contents on the bed, sorting through lipstick, chewing gum, a picture of himself, Alex, Karen, and Arthur (he smiled at that), and finally found what he'd been searching for. Perfectly cared for, shining silver except for the parts stained with Alex's blood, and with an impressively sharp blade—a pocketknife. He had no idea where it had come from, but he quickly pocketed it. He wasn't going to risk her finding it again.

"Oh, Alex..." he whispered, "What in the hell happened to you?"

* * *

Alex sighed as she waited for Matt, still not entirely believing that he would come. Adrienne sat cross-legged on her bed reading _Triad_ , almost finished now.

"Alex, stop worrying. He'll be here."

Lindsey, passing by, stuck her head in their room.

"Or, you know, maybe not. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with your shit, Kingston. Not really sure that I'd blame him. Aren't you a little old to be anorexic?"

"Just because _your_ family doesn't give a damn about you, that doesn't mean everyone else is alone. Get over yourself. And her name is Alex."

Adrienne fought the urge to smack her, and settled for aiming a notepad at her head. It missed, but it still made Lindsey take a step back. Alex quietly closed the door and gave Adrienne a hug.

"You don't have to keep standing up for me."

Adrienne smiled.

"I know. I just can't stand that girl."

There was a quiet knock on the door and when Alex answered it, Matt was standing on the other side, holding the flowers that Karen had given him. Alex threw herself on him and he dropped the roses to wrap his arms around her.

"Matt!"

"Hey," he laughed, "How was your day?"

Alex frowned.

"They won't let me have a glass."

"A glass?"

She nodded.

"I hate drinking out of paper cups, but they don't let us have glass. It's horrid."

Alex pulled him over to the bed and made him sit. When he looked up at her, she smiled.

"What?"

"You need to put your jacket on."

Now it was Matt's turn to frown.

"My jacket? Why?"

"Please?"

He did as she asked and she went to retrieve a blanket from the other room, hoping to keep the chill away. Matt turned to Adrienne.

"What's the deal with the jacket?"

"It smells like you," she answered simply. "She sleeps with it every night."

He felt his heart break a little more and when Alex returned, he could have sworn that she looked even thinner than the last time he'd seen her. Add to that her extremely cheerful disposition, and he frowned again. Something was definitely wrong.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Are-are you okay?"

She nodded.

"Of course, sweetie! Well, as okay as I can be, anyway."

"If you're sure," he said doubtfully.

They spent the next few hours talking, laughing with Adrienne and when no one was looking, Matt kissed Alex softly, pulling away with a smile. Lindsey happened to walk past and when she saw him, she immediately stopped outside the door.

"Well...looks like he showed up after all, Kingston."

"Alex," she corrected.

Matt could feel the anger radiating from her, and he placed his hand on her shoulder. A storm was nothing compared to Alex when she was truly angry.

"I wouldn't get too used to it, Kingston."

"Don't call me that," Alex hissed.

"Pretty sure that's your name."

She gave a spiteful wave and when she had gone, Matt turned to Alex.

"Who was that?"

"Lindsey," Adrienne spat furiously, "She's a total bitch."

Matt looked at Alex, concerned.

"You know she's wrong, don't you? I'll always come back."

He touched the ring that still spun loosely on Alex's finger.

"I told you that I was going to marry you, and I meant it. Every word."

Alex nodded. It was obvious that Lindsey's remarks had gotten under her skin, but she tried her best to hide it. She kept a smile on her face and it only faltered when Matt asked to see her arms. Embarrassed by what she had done, she refused at first, but when he asked again, his tone almost begging, she did as he asked.

They were mostly healed now, but still heavily bandaged. He could see the angry red marks that had extended beyond the bandage on one arm, and he reached out to touch her gently. His long fingers traced over the visible part of the cut, and she pulled away, not out of pain, but out of shame.

"Matt..."

"I know. It's okay."

He kissed her and stood, pulling her with him.

"I have to go now, but I'll be back tomorrow. I love you. So much."

"I love you, too. I'm sorry I'm so bad at showing it."

He tapped the end of her nose.

"You? Bad at something? Not a chance, Kingston."

* * *

Alex drank her water as quickly as she could before running over to the faucet. She had to move quietly and when she turned on the faucet, only the smallest stream flowed. If she were to be caught, she knew it would be an instant reprimand at best. She held her paper cup under the faucet, impatiently waiting. As soon as the cup was filled, she drank it as fast as she could.

"Alex?"

She jumped at the sound of Adrienne's voice and turned.

"What are you doing?"

"I-I-"

"You were water-loading...weren't you?"

She didn't answer, but she didn't need to.

"Alex...please don't. I know that everyone here is super supportive for only one reason, but I'm serious. I want you to get better and get out of here. Matt's waiting for you. He loves you more than I've ever seen anyone love another person."

The tears that had been hovering in her eyes spilled over, and she drew a shaky breath.

"I can't. I need to, I know, but...I can't."

Adrienne wrapped her in a hug and sighed.

"Please, Alex. Do it for Matt. Do it for yourself."

* * *

As she passed, Lindsey knocked the pen out of Alex's hand and smirked. Alex glared and when Lindsey turned, she made her move.

"Lindsey...what have I done to you? What have _any_ of us done to you?"

"You're just a bunch of stuck up rich women who can't deal with life."

"Adrienne isn't rich," Alex pointed out.

"Doesn't matter. She still thinks she's better than everyone else. Just like you. You think because you're famous, you're better than the rest of us."

Alex's eyes flickered to the floor.

"No, I don't. I'm not better than anyone. I don't deserve anything that I have."

Lindsey rolled her eyes.

"You think if you say something that I might relate to that I'm suddenly going to like you. Not a chance, Kingston."

The same words Matt had said to her, yet such a different meaning. Adrienne walked past, the journal Alex had given her tucked under one arm.

"Hey, Alex. Lindsey," she said coldly.

She smiled at Alex and threw Lindsey a hard glare. Alex walked away from Lindsey, picking up her pen from the floor. She made her way into their shared room and fell on the bed. Adrienne sat cross-legged, as was her custom, and began writing.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

Adrienne sighed.

"Just had my weigh in."

Alex nodded understandingly. That was always the most stressful part of each day. She came over to sit on her roommate's bed, giving her a small hug.

"I was thinking. Would you like to come to our wedding? Matt and me, I mean."

Adrienne's eyes lit up, growing wider.

"Seriously?"

Alex nodded.

"Hell yes!"

"Then we both have to do something terrifying."

"What?"

Sighing, Alex went back to her own bed, laying on her back. She tried to find a comfortable position, somewhere that the bed wasn't giving her bruises.

"We have to gain weight."

* * *

Matt walked down the hallway, his step a bit lighter than it had been in weeks. Alex was being released for the second time, and he couldn't wait to see her. She was waiting for him in the area reserved for visitors, talking with her friend Adrienne. He hugged both of them, and smiled at Alex.

"Are you ready to go home, love?"

"Beyond ready, sweetie."

Turning to Adrienne, Alex wrapped her arms around her.

"Ring me as soon as you get home," she whispered.

Adrienne nodded and hugged her tighter. As Matt and Alex walked away, she waved excitedly, knowing her own family would be arriving soon.

* * *

Matt spun Alex around in his arms as soon as the front door shut behind them. He was struck by the change in her as he kissed her. Though she was still desperately underweight, there were fewer bones protruding from many angles. As her eyes widened at the suggestion of dinner, he realised that she still had a long way to go.

"Just soup, love. Nothing big."

"I-I don't know if I can."

Matt took her hand in his and led her to the couch.

"I'll be with you the entire time."

She sighed. Together, they walked into the kitchen and Matt began preparing soup for the both of them. As he cooked, he told her about the things she had missed while she'd been away, and something he said made her stop staring at her hands and fix him with a startled look.

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"Say what you just said again."

"I said that we finally finished filming my last episode of _Doctor Who_. Why?"

Alex's face fell, and Matt frowned.

"What is it?"

"I missed watching you do the last episode..."

Matt shrugged.

"It's okay. Kaz and Arthur weren't there, either."

Alex shook her head, sighing.

"It's not that. It's just...it was so special and I missed it. I wanted to be there."

Matt wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into his embrace.

"It's okay, love. You're more special to me than anything else."

He turned to finish preparing the soup and when it was ready, he carefully put it into bowls for each of them, being sure not to fill hers as much as his own. He set it down in front of her and when she tentatively took a spoonful and swallowed, she smiled.

"Matt, I thought you didn't know how to cook."

"I didn't," he admitted, "I told you that I would learn if it would help you. So, I learned."

She reached across the table to take his hand and when he raised it to his lips, she smiled again.

"I've missed you so much."

"I missed you, too. More than you know."

Alex stood to clear their dishes (his empty, hers almost-halfway empty) and on her way back from the sink, Matt caught her by the arm, pulling her against him.

"Do you know how proud I am of you?" he whispered, his lips close enough that she could feel his breath.

She shook her head, and he kissed her throat lightly.

"Remind me to tell you some time."

He kissed her again and when her head tipped back, he spun her around to face him, claiming her lips with his own. Each kiss left her breathless in a way that, for the first time in months, had nothing to do with her illness. She kissed him more urgently than she had in her life, and he led her out of the kitchen, deliberately crashing into the wall. He held her there firmly, his lips never once leaving her body and she threaded her fingers into his hair. Her breath came in short gasps and when he lightly ran his fingertips down her body, she shivered, whispering his name.

"Alex?" he stopped kissing her just long enough to speak, "You know how much I love you, right?"

She nodded, pulling him down to kiss him again.

"Yes. Do you know how much I love you?"

"Definitely."

He kissed her throat again, loving her sharp intake of breath. When he bit down, she cried out, her hands gripping his hair tighter. He turned his head to kiss her again, and just as his name fell from her lips on a wisp of air, the ringing of her phone caused them both to groan.

"Ignore it," he whispered, kissing her again.

"I can't, sweetie. What if it's important?"

"They'll leave a message."

She pushed her way past him and answered it, hoping it hadn't been too long.

"Alex! I just wanted to let you know that I'm home!"

Alex smiled.

"That's great. Can I talk to you a bit later, though? I'm a bit busy."

"Sure! Talk to you soon!"

As soon as she hung up the phone, Matt pulled her to him again, Alex's phone dropping to the floor. He kissed her again, harder and longer, hoping to make up for time lost.

"Who was it?"

"Adrienne," came Alex's breathless answer.

"Sweet girl," Matt commented, his teeth grazing her ear.

Matt led her into the bedroom, pushing her back onto the bed and as his tongue danced over her lips, he began unbuttoning her shirt. He pulled his own over his head and when Alex traced a fingernail over his skin, he shivered, leaning down to whisper in her ear.

"You are so beautiful."

He pulled off her jeans, his own following seconds later, and when his lips closed around her breast, her head fell back against the pillow. Her golden hair was spread out behind her and when she raised up to kiss him, he was amazed at how the sun lit it ablaze. Her teeth grazed his throat, just over his pulse and when he moaned, he could feel her smile. He reached down between them and when he touched her, her body jerked against his and he smirked.

"Two can play at this game," she whispered.

Rather than do what he expected her to, she kissed him all the way down from his chest to his hips, refusing to go any lower. When she laughed lowly, he smiled. Fine. Enough stalling. He pushed her back down onto the bed, pinning her hands. It wasn't until he entered her that he released his hold on her wrists, relishing the way she gripped his shoulders. She tried to speak, to say his name, but couldn't find the breath. In a surprisingly short amount of time, they both went over the edge, and when he didn't stop touching her, she frowned slightly.

"What are you-"

"We're not finished yet."

He moved expert fingers, touching her just enough that it would be a slower build, and he smiled when he felt her body move beneath him.

"Maybe we...oh, fuck..."

Her voice had reached that dangerously low pitch, one that he knew well, and he kissed her again. His fingers never stopped moving, but he adjusted the speed accordingly.

"M-Matt...I...fuck, Matt..."

His lips found her pulse and he could taste her heartbeat in his mouth. As soon as he bit down, he knew that it was enough. She moaned, unable to even say his name, and when she had finally come down, he pulled her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head and she looked up at him, her expression undecipherable.

"What's wrong, love?"

"I was supposed to remind you to tell me something, right?"

He nodded.

"I am so proud of you. I've never been so proud of anyone in my life. I've never _loved_ anyone so much in my life."

Alex watched him for a moment before settling back into his arms.

"I should call Adrienne."

"It can wait, Alex. It can wait."

Yes, she decided. It definitely could.

* * *

 **A/N: Review, please? If you guys let me know specifically what you enjoyed, it makes me a better writer, and I want to give you all my best. Mad love to you all!**


	17. The Strong

**A/N: Here we are! Fluffy fluff and parties abound! Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Alex? Are you okay?"

The woman in question didn't answer. The tears falling down her face were all the answer that was needed.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head, looking at the clothing hanging on the door in front of her. The dress was gorgeous: white satin, pearl beading, lace sleeves, truly a thing of beauty. There was no way she could possibly wear it. She was simply too fat.

"I just...look at it."

"I am. It's amazing. You're going to look incredible."

Alex gave the redhead a small smile.

"I don't know. I feel like the dress is too beautiful for me to ruin it."

Karen frowned.

"How would you ruin it? It's going to be perfect."

Alex sighed. She knew that she was probably overreacting, but she couldn't stop the overwhelming feeling of dread that threatened to consume her. Karen stood and gave her a hug, whispering in her ear.

"You're beautiful, Alex. Just remember that."

Alex watched her walk away and tried to return the smile that she gave her as the door closed behind her. There was no way she could wear that dress.

* * *

"SURPRISE!"

Karen's face lit up as she took in the array of guests at the surprise birthday party Matt and Arthur had given her. Alex handed her a gift and kissed her cheek, smiling at her.

"Happy birthday, Mother," she said with a smirk.

Karen laughed and opened the present. A small silver charm bracelet with four charms glittered in the tiny box and she gasped.

"Alex, it's beautiful!"

Alex shrugged.

"I thought you would like it. I hope it fits and doesn't need to be altered."

"It's perfect."

Matt hugged her from behind and picked her up, spinning her in a circle.

"Happy birthday, Kaz!"

Arthur called them all in from the kitchen, signaling that it was time to cut the cake. As the pieces were passed around, Matt could see the fear in Alex's eyes. She took the piece she was offered, and when Matt took her hand, she smiled at him gratefully.

"You can do this, Kingston."

Alex frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I feel kind of funny."

"Funny how?"

Alex shook her head.

"Like...kind of warm. A little dizzy. Like I can actually manage this day."

Matt laughed and kissed her hand.

"That's called being happy, Alex."

"I'd forgotten."

She smiled and when she looked at the cake, she took the smallest bite possible. Matt held her hand as she took another forkful, holding it in her shaking fingers. She was determined that Karen would have a nice birthday, and she wasn't going to make this about herself.

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't think I can eat anymore."

He smiled at her, patting her hand reassuringly.

"It's okay, love. You did better than you thought you would, right?"

She nodded. Arthur called for them both and Karen wrapped her arms around them, smiling as their picture was taken. When Matt kissed Alex, Arthur snapped another picture. Matt stole the camera and began taking pictures at random: one of Karen and Arthur, of Alex, an amusing one of himself and a few more candid shots.

"I hope at least some of those turned out," Alex commented dryly.

Matt tapped the end of her nose lightly.

"Of course they will. I'm a wonderful photographer."

Arthur laughed and took it back.

"Who are you trying to convince, yourself or Alex?"

Matt smirked and made his way over to Karen.

"Well? Is this not the best party ever?"

Karen nodded, and when Arthur pulled out a few bottles of whiskey, she laughed.

"Looks like it's only just getting started."

* * *

Alex deliberately avoided even the smallest drop of alcohol, instead watching as the others enjoyed it. Matt made his way clumsily over to her, tripping over his own feet.

"Matt! Be careful!"

He picked himself up and when he sat down next to her, she could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"I think you've had enough alcohol, sweetie."

She hadn't known it was possible to slur her name, but somehow Matt managed it. When she turned to look at him, he fell into her lap.

"Do you know how pretty you are?"

She shook her head sadly.

"Matt, you're drunk."

"A-Alex? You're getting better, right? You're really trying?"

She nodded and ran her fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry you had to go...you know. I just wanted to help you, and I didn't know how."

"I know, darling. I'm the one who messed everything up."

"Why, Alex? Why did you—why did you even start?"

She kissed his head softly.

"I don't remember. But once I started, I couldn't stop."

"Please," he was dangerously close to crying now, "Please, Alex. You have to get better. I can't lose you. I don't know what I would do without you."

Alex leaned down to kiss him and when she pulled away, he only loosened his hold just enough to allow her to speak.

"I'm not going anywhere."

He pulled her down to kiss her again and she could taste the alcohol on his tongue. He deepened the kiss and she tried to break free. Karen and Arthur had long since left the room, but she still didn't feel comfortable with this. As his lips moved to her throat, she fought the urge to moan and when his hands moved further down, her body jerked of its own accord.

"Matt...n-not here."

He kept kissing her, and she threw her hand over her own mouth to muffle the moan that escaped her. He had moved from his position in her lap and where his body had been, he replaced it with expert fingers. She couldn't stop the way her hips moved against him and with every kiss his fingers moved faster.

"M-Matt..."

All sense and reason left her mind as he moved his hand beneath her jeans and she bit down on her lip to keep from screaming. He moved his hand faster as her hips ground into him and he kissed her deeply. She moaned into the kiss and when he pulled away, he placed his lips near her ear, almost touching.

"Don't fight me."

Her head fell back against the couch and he moved more urgently.

"Come on, Alex."

As soon as she heard her name spoken in that low tone, she knew it was over. He covered her mouth with his own to swallow the scream that fell from her lips and when he finally pulled away, he smirked.

"Not bad for a drunk giraffe, huh?"

The ability to speak had left her, and she focused on regulating her breathing. Fortunately, none of their clothing had been removed, so it didn't take long for them to collect themselves. His head fell into her lap and he took another drink from the glass sitting on the table. The liquid burned a path down his throat, and he shuddered.

"Matt...maybe you should stop drinking. I think you've had enough."

Arthur wandered in, a drunken grin on his face.

"Guys...this cake tastes even better when you're drunk. Ever notice that?"

Karen nodded, following him into the room.

"Alex, are you sure you don't want any more?"

She shook her head, watching as Matt tossed back another shot.

"Matt...sweetie, please."

He leaned over to whisper in her ear.

"I just broke you in minutes while drunk off my arse. I think I can handle myself."

"Matt..."

She sighed when he stood to walk away. As the full force of the alcohol hit him, he stumbled, catching himself on the wall.

"Are you okay, mate?"

Matt turned to Arthur, waving him off.

"I'm good," he slurred.

Alex watched as he made his way into the bedroom, knowing that when she joined him later, she would find him collapsed on the bed. Karen and Arthur were both beginning to fall asleep on the couch opposite her, and Alex sighed, making her way into the kitchen. She began wrapping up the remnants of cake and set Karen's gifts on a table so they wouldn't get damaged.

She held her head in her hands for a moment before heading to the bedroom. As predicted, Matt was laying face-down on the bed and Alex picked up her phone, wanting to talk to someone who wasn't completely wasted.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Alex! Hi! How was Karen's party?"

"It was good. Everyone else is trashed, though. It's not too late for you to talk, is it?"

"No. I was just packing."

Right. She'd forgotten that Adrienne was getting her own flat.

"You could always stay in my old flat."

"Really?"

Alex smiled, though Adrienne couldn't see it.

"Of course."

"So...Matt got drunk, huh?"

Alex laughed, careful not to wake him.

"Very. He's passed out now."

"Damn. Did anything interesting happen? Any broken bones or anything?"

"No broken bones, but there were a few interesting things that happened. I-I actually ate a little of the cake."

Adrienne's voice was excited on the other end of the line. Alex could picture her now, sitting cross-legged on her bed, twisting her hair around her finger absentmindedly.

"Something else happened too, didn't it?"

"Well.." she didn't exactly know how to explain, "Matt was a little...touchy tonight. More than a little, actually."

"No way! You didn't...did you?"

Alex blushed even though the room was dark.

"Kind of. No clothing came off, but...let's just say he's very good with his hands."

"Holy shit," Adrienne laughed, "You were alone though, right?"

"Not really. Karen and Arthur were in the kitchen. No doors or anything."

"Way to go, Alex! So...it was good even though he was plastered? He must be amazing."

Alex laughed quietly and looked over at Matt's sleeping form.

"He is. Very."

"Do you mind if I come and visit you this week?"

"Of course not, sweetie. Whenever you want. I know Matt won't mind."

Adrienne smiled on the other side of town, beyond grateful that Alex wasn't able to see her. Her hands shook as she dragged the blade across her skin, not even flinching when her blood began flowing down her leg. She looked up to Alex, wanted to make her proud, and she knew that the older woman would be devastated if she knew what she was up to. Still, it silenced her racing thoughts and she wasn't sure if she would ever truly be able to let it go.

* * *

When Matt opened his eyes the next morning, he immediately closed them again. The room seemed to be spinning and when he was finally able to steady himself, he sighed. His hazy eyes landed on Alex, sleeping silently next to him and as the events of the previous night came to him in fragments, he found himself beyond confused. Alex must have felt him move because she was awake moments later, holding out a glass of water.

"How do you feel, sweetie?"

Matt shook his head.

"I'm never drinking that much again."

Alex smiled.

"I did try to stop you. On multiple occasions."

He nodded, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

"I know. I remember. You also tried to tell me...oh shit..."

Alex looked at him, confused.

"What's wrong?"

"We...you tried to stop me, but I...oh God, I'm so sorry, Alex."

Alex reached out to touch his face gently, forcing him to look at her.

"It's okay. I didn't exactly put up much resistance. And in answer to your question last night, yes. It was very good for a drunk giraffe."

Matt smiled, looking at her with an expression she couldn't quite identify.

"Did Kaz or Arthur find out?"

She shook her head.

"No. They were far too drunk, anyway."

Matt kissed her and when she didn't pull away, he ran his tongue over her bottom lip.

"How about round two, Kingston?"

She laughed but shook her head.

"Not right now, darling. I don't think I can handle it."

In truth, she was feeling quite dizzy, but she'd die before telling him. Her hands shook as she reached up to run her fingers through Matt's hair, and even she could tell they were ice cold.

"Alex, you're freezing."

Matt took her hands in his own, rubbing them desperately to warm them. He held out his arms and she folded herself into his embrace, hoping to warm herself with his body heat. He pulled the blanket over them and Alex found herself drifting toward sleep once more. Matt was able to hold out a few minutes longer, but soon he was fast asleep with his arms wrapped protectively around her. When Karen looked in on them half an hour later, they were still sleeping in the same position, neither one knowing, or caring, that the day was beginning to pass them by.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope it was a good ride. We're not even close to being finished yet, though! Before I forget, FluffLover81, your reviews always make me smile. You're awesome!**


	18. Too Much To Ask

**A/N: New chapter! Hope you enjoy! FluffLover81, I hope this makes your bus ride more bearable!**

* * *

Matt sighed as he watched Alex in the kitchen. She was staring at the food on the plate as if she hoped she could will it out of existence. When she stood up several minutes later, leaving the plate as full as when she had begun, he decided to intervene.

"Are you okay, Alex?"

She nodded and he ran his hand through his hair. It was obvious she was lying, but he didn't know how to approach her.

"I'm fine."

"You're lying."

The words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them. Her eyes snapped up to his, and he instantly wished he was someplace else.

"What?"

Well, since he had already said it, he supposed that he should continue.

"You're lying," he repeated, "You didn't eat anything, and you've been burning a hole in your plate for the past twenty minutes."

She sighed, sitting down on the couch slowly.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You never want to talk about it," he muttered.

"Matt, I already go to see a psychologist every three weeks, I talk plenty then."

Matt glanced at her, but made no move to be closer.

"You don't ever tell me how you're feeling. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to act around you."

"You could try acting like yourself," she said sarcastically.

Matt frowned, his anger rising,

"I don't know how, Alex! I never know how you're going to react to something I say or do. I hate having to walk on eggshells around you."

"Then don't!" she screamed, "Why don't you just treat me like a person instead of acting like I'm going to break down at the slightest thing? I'm not going to fall apart."

"Because I don't know who you are anymore!" Matt shouted, trying to keep himself as calm as possible, "You've changed! All you care about is losing weight. It's all you think about, day in and day out. I've tried my best to help you, Alex, but I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. Watching you kill yourself is killing me. I love you so much, and I would do anything for you, but...you don't care. I want to help you, but you have to meet me halfway."

Alex didn't answer him in words, and he knew that the damage had been done. She stood up slowly, taking her phone and when she walked past him and out the door, he felt his heart plummet to the floor. What had he done?

* * *

Alex sat on the floor of her flat, sobbing. She knew that Matt was right, but it didn't make the pain any less unbearable. She'd called Adrienne on the way, and was now waiting for her to arrive so they could talk in person. It had been so long since she'd seen the younger girl, and she needed a non-mutual friend to confide in. The knock at the door brought her back to the present and she stood to answer it. Adrienne stood on the other side, a bottle of whiskey in her hand.

"I thought you could use a drink."

Alex wiped her tears furiously and laughed sadly. She stepped back to let Adrienne in and when she shut the door behind her, the younger girl immediately wrapped her in a hug.

"What happened, Alex?"

As she recounted their argument, Adrienne poured. Alex tossed back shot after shot, waiting for the blissful moment when she would forget the devastating pain that was crushing her chest. It didn't happen nearly soon enough.

* * *

Matt stared at the place where Alex had been sitting for almost an hour after she had left. How could he have said those things? True though they were, it hadn't really helped the situation. He picked up his phone, dialing Alex's number, hoping on hope that she would answer. When she didn't, he hung up, not bothering to leave a message. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Both Alex and Adrienne watched the phone ring as Matt called for the fourth time that night. When she still didn't pick up, Adrienne frowned.

"Don't you want to work this out?"

Alex shook her head slowly.

"He gave up. He doesn't care about me anymore."

Adrienne scoffed.

"That's crazy, Alex. You know Matt loves you. This is hard on him. You have to understand his side. Think about it. If it were him, wouldn't you feel the same way?"

Alex frowned, thinking. Maybe she was right. Still, she couldn't deny that maybe time apart would be better. At least for now. She picked up the phone, pretending she didn't see Adrienne's smile.

"Hello?"

"Hello, sweetie."

"Alex! I'm so sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to hurt you."

She sighed.

"I know. And I'm sorry, too. But...I think I should spend some time alone. I need time to think. To figure some things out."

Matt was silent on the other end, and rather than wait for an answer, she simply hung up.

"Are you insane?" Adrienne asked incredulously.

Alex sighed again.

"I need to work on this myself. If I can't make it without Matt, then what good am I? I have to exist as my own person, not just as Matt's girlfriend."

She took another shot, fighting the tears in her eyes. Adrienne hugged her again before taking her cue to leave. She hoped she was doing the right thing. God, she hoped it was right.

* * *

Alex's first thought when the blood swirled in the water ( _Wow, that looks cool_ ) came to her delayed as she sat in the tub, the water having long since gone cold. Her hair had nearly dried and still she sat carving patterns into her skin, hoping to feel something other than the numbness that consumed her. It had been almost two weeks since she'd seen Matt, and she wasn't sure now that the proper decision had been made. She could never tell him that, though. She'd made such a show of leaving, she couldn't let him see how much it had affected her.

Finally, she stood, gently patting the injured areas of her skin and dressing carefully in loose clothing. She'd already made up her mind that she was going to attempt to buy food at the grocery store, but she was beginning to regret it. Sighing, she made her way out the door, determined to at least do one thing on her own.

* * *

"Alex! Hi."

She turned at the sound of her name, and her eyes widened.

"Matt. How-how are you?"

He shrugged and offered her a small smile.

"Okay, I guess. How are you?"

She gave him a smile in return.

"I'm okay," she lied, pretending that she didn't notice that her skin was openly bleeding under her long sleeved shirt.

"That's good."

Matt searched her eyes, hoping to see some hint of the real Alex, _his_ Alex. It was there, hidden behind the layers of panic and desperation, but it was enough.

"I-I should go," she said, smiling softly.

Matt gave her a gentle hug before walking away, noticing how pale she had gotten since he had last seen her. As he watched her walk away, he found himself fighting an almost uncontrollable urge to run after her.

* * *

Alex leaned against the front door of her flat, fighting the dizziness that had nearly sent her spiraling to the ground. She peeled back the layers of clothing, grimacing when the fabric clung to the blood-soaked skin it was covering. She hadn't used her razor in a week, but still the wounds refused to heal. To her, it seemed almost a perfect metaphor for her life. She stared at the food she had purchased earlier in the week and as she truly took inventory of the items, she'd never felt so ashamed of herself. She had wanted to buy normal food. Food that actually had some kind of dimension to it instead of the soup she always favoured. She picked up the small container of soup and hurled it across the room, screaming.

Tears fell, hot and furious, down her face and she crawled to the bathroom, her fingers searching frantically for a blade. When she reached her hiding spot, instead of smooth metal, her fingers closed around a folded piece of paper. Frowning, she smoothed it out and carefully held it in front of her.

 _Nice hiding place. You can have this back when you're ready. Be safe._

 _-Adrienne_

Alex swore and pulled out her phone, punching in Adrienne's number furiously.

"Hello?"

"You took my razor."

It was a statement, not a question.

"Alex?"

"Who else? Give it back."

Adrienne's voice was sad.

"I can't, Alex. I wish you'd never found my note."

"So do I. Then I would have my razor." Alex answered bitterly.

"No, Alex...I wish you hadn't found it because you weren't _looking_. Don't you see? I never wanted you to look for the razor."

"Give it back."

"No."

"Adrienne," she pleaded, her voice finally breaking, "Please... _please_. Give it back."

"I can't," Adrienne repeated, hanging up the phone.

Alex stared at the phone in her hand for nearly two minutes before making her way clumsily into the kitchen. She opened the cabinet and when her fingers closed around the smooth glass cup, she smiled slightly. She threw it to the ground as hard as she could, relishing in the shattering. Finding the largest piece, she frantically dragged the sharp edge across her skin, not even noticing the pain. The sight of her own blood calmed her and as her breath steadied, she moved the glass again. The second cut was deeper, her adrenaline still preventing her from feeling the pain, and the blood poured faster. It dripped down, thick and dark, landing in large droplets on the floor. She carefully wrapped up her arm in a clean cloth, not even caring about the fresh stain.

She made her way to the couch, fully intending to watch television and wait for her head to clear, but as soon as she laid down, her eyes slipped closed. She tried to fight the exhaustion, but only made it ten minutes before she was falling asleep.

* * *

She was disoriented when the knock at the door woke her hours later, and she stood groggily to answer it. She pushed the container of soup out of her way with her foot and opened the door after running a hand through her tangled curls.

"Alex? What happened to you?"

She looked down, realising how her appearance must make her seem. She shrugged and stepped back to let Adrienne in, not noticing the younger girl's sadness.

"What did you use?" Adrienne asked through her tears.

"A glass," Alex murmured.

Adrienne reached out to take her arm carefully in her hand, examining it.

"This looks bad, Alex."

Alex pulled away, shaking her head.

"It's fine. I've cleaned it, and I'm going to bandage it in a bit."

Adrienne's own head shook, forcing Alex to look at her.

"Call Matt. Please."

"No," she said quietly, "he doesn't need to see this."

Adrienne hugged her gently, standing and making her way to the door.

"Are you going to be okay for a bit? I have an appointment to go to, but I wanted to see you first."

Alex nodded.

"I'll be fine."

She only hoped it was true.

* * *

"Just call her."

"I have, Kaz. She doesn't want to see me."

"That's crazy, mate. She loves you."

Matt smiled at Karen and Arthur, the smile never reaching his eyes.

"You could always go to her flat."

Arthur gave him an encouraging smile, and Matt sighed.

"I should have never said those things to her."

"Matt, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this will be what she needs to get better."

He ran his hands through his hair and stood, pacing.

"Maybe. What if this makes her worse? What if she never wants to see me again? I could lose her forever."

Karen stopped him, wrapping her arms around him.

"You won't. Just call her. And let us know how it goes."

He nodded, pulling out his phone as his friends left. He stared at Alex's name for several long moments before pressing the 'call' button, hoping that she wouldn't ignore him again. When he heard her voice on the other end of the line, he was so surprised that he nearly dropped the phone.

"Hey. H-how are you?"

"A bit tired," she admitted, "How are you?"

"Same," he answered, still not quite able to believe she had answered.

"Alex...I know that I said horrible things to you, but...I'm so sorry. Is there anything that I can say to make this right?"

Alex was silent for a long moment and if Matt could have seen her holding the shattered glass over her bleeding arm, his heart would have broken more.

"Alex?"

She jumped, having only dimly noticed that he was speaking.

"Yes?"

"I miss you. So much. I know that we have a long road ahead of us, but please...don't do it alone."

Alex sighed.

"Matt...I don't know if I can."

She turned her attention back to the task at hand, carefully holding the glass.

"...please?"

She snapped back to the present and was embarrassed to have to ask him to repeat himself.

"Come home," he repeated, "Please?"

Alex didn't answer, and she hung up slowly, letting the phone fall from her grasp. She laid down on the couch again, letting exhaustion claim her and carry her away from reality. At least for a few hours.

* * *

"Alex! Alex!"

Her eyes flew open and she made her way to the door, opening it slowly. Matt stood on the other side, his hand poised to knock again. His eyes flickered down to her injured arm and she pulled him in the door quickly, wary of neighbours.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed.

"I had to see you. What the hell happened to you?"

"It doesn't matter," she said dismissively, "I told you that I don't think I can."

She walked away from him, and he caught her by the (uninjured) arm, stopping her abruptly.

"Alex, please. This is killing me, and from the looks of it, it's killing you, too."

He held her in place by her shoulders, begging her to look at him. He took in the dark circles under her eyes, the ghost of blood dripping down her arm, and the disarray of the room. How could he have let her walk away?

"Tell me that you don't love me"

Alex frowned.

"What?"

"If you can look in my eyes and honestly tell me that you don't love me, or that you don't want to be with me, then I'll leave. If that's what you want, I'll do it."

Matt watched her carefully, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Matt, I-"

He crashed his lips against hers, tangling his hand in her hair. He held her tightly against him, never wanting the moment to end. When he finally pulled away, he forced her to meet his gaze.

"Say it. If you really want me to leave, say it."

"I-"

She looked down at the floor and he raised her eyes to his.

"Look at me."

"I-" she was dangerously close to crying now, "I can't."

Her tears were spilling over, and he reached out to wipe them away with his fingertips. Her eyes closed, and she leaned into his touch. He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest, breathing in deeply.

"I love you," Matt whispered, kissing her hair lightly.

"I love you, too."

He kissed her again and she could taste her tears on his lips. When they broke apart, he leaned down close and whispered in her ear.

"Alex?"

She raised her eyes to his, wondering how she'd ever gotten so fortunate to have him in her life.

"Come home."

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed the ride so far! Let me know what you think.**


	19. Blinding

**A/N: Woohoo, new chapter! Hope you like it!**

* * *

Adrienne let out a triumphant shout as her fingers found their prize. Her hands were shaking as she held the blade over her skin and pressed down. True, she could have used the razor she'd taken from Alex, but it didn't seem right to use it. It felt like an invasion of privacy somehow. Her eating disorder was running rampant again, and no matter how "recovered" she was, she'd never given up cutting. She couldn't. Alex would be disappointed in her, she knew, but she needed it. Not that Alex recently had much room to criticise.

She'd been ecstatic when Alex had told her that she was going back to Matt's flat, but at the same time, she had felt a pang of sadness. Now who was she going to call when her mind wouldn't leave her alone? As if on cue, her phone rang and she made a mad dash to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey. Did you get unpacked?"

Alex.

"Yeah, just finished. Want to come by for a drink?"

Alex laughed, and Adrienne smiled. It was nice to hear the older woman's laughter again.

"Sure. Give me about twenty minutes to get dressed and I'll be there."

Adrienne raised an eyebrow even though no one was there to see it.

"Get dressed, huh? You and Matt have a little fun to celebrate getting back together?"

"No," Alex laughed again, "I just got out of the shower."

"Ooh, sexy shower times?"

"No!" Alex's laughter was contagious, "Believe it or not, we don't jump into bed every time we see each other."

"Damn," Adrienne muttered, "I'm living vicariously through you."

"Okay, sweetie, just let me say goodbye to Matt and I'll be on my way."

* * *

Alex knocked on the door and tried to smile. Matt, Karen and Arthur had gone out to dinner to make more preparations for their upcoming wedding, and even though they knew she hated surprises, she hadn't been invited. She tried not to think too much about it, but she couldn't help but worry. Matt had been spending quite a bit of time with the pair, all without her, and she'd started wondering if perhaps he was using it as an excuse not to be near her.

Adrienne opened the door with a drink in her hand and immediately handed it to her. She accepted it gratefully and took a slow drink, letting it burn. She welcomed the feeling, hoping it could somehow scorch the pain from her mind.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

Alex waved her question away.

"Nothing," she lied, "Just me being stupid."

Adrienne frowned, but said nothing. She led the way into her flat and Alex was surprised to see how organised it was.

"Did you go overboard on the cleaning?"

The dark haired girl smiled sheepishly.

"Just a bit. Once I started, it was hard to stop."

Alex thought that the same thing could be said in relation to other aspects of their lives, but stayed quiet. Adrienne patted the spot next to her and Alex joined her on the couch.

"So... _did_ you and Matt celebrate?"

Alex nodded, blushing slightly.

"He's been spending a lot of time with Karen and Arthur though, so I haven't seen much of him. They're planning something "special" for this weekend, and I'm not allowed to know what it is."

Adrienne, having already been told of the surprise, nodded.

"I just can't help but think that he's trying to get away from me."

. "That's not true. He really is planning a surprise. I can't tell you what it is, though."

Alex sighed in relief and hugged her.

"Thanks. It was really starting to get to me. Anyway, how are things with you? Other than moving, I mean."

Adrienne looked down at her hands, and Alex frowned.

"What is it?"

"My-my mum told me not to come around anymore. She thinks I'm a bad influence on Grace."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. How is Grace taking it?"

Adrienne wound her blue-tipped hair around her finger, noticing too late that her sleeves had slipped. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Alex reached out and took her wrist, pushing the fabric back carefully.

"Oh, sweetie..."

Adrienne pulled away, taking another sip of her drink.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to disappoint you."

Alex frowned again.

"You didn't. You've come so far, and you're a strong young woman. I know you can do this."

"I wanted you to be proud of me. You're more like family than my actual family."

Alex wrapped her arms around her, careful not to touch the gash in her arm.

"I _am_ proud of you. You're doing much better than you were and it's only going to improve."

"Grace is pissed."

Alex smiled.

"Is she?"

"Yeah. I mean, it's not like she's a child. She's seventeen. I think she's smart enough to make her own choices."

Alex nodded, signaling for her to continue.

"How could she do this? Grace is my only sister. She's the only person in my family who never gave up on me. She's been there for me through everything."

Adrienne wiped at her tears angrily.

"It's not right."

Alex watched her carefully, watching her reactions.

"I think you would like her," Adrienne said with a smile.

Alex drained her glass, smiling at the younger girl. Adrienne poured them both another drink and tossed hers back with a flourish.

* * *

Matt's face lit up as his phone rang and Alex's name flashed across the screen. He stepped away from Karen and Arthur to answer it, offering his apologies.

"Alex! Hi!"

"Hi, darling. Are you having fun with Karen and Arthur?"

He nodded, forgetting that she couldn't see him.

"Yeah. This is going to be a great surprise. You're going to love it."

"You know I hate surprises, Matt."

He smiled sheepishly.

"I know. But this one is going to be worth it."

"If you say so."

He frowned. Something was off. There was something different about her voice, but he couldn't place it.

"Tell Karen I said hi. Arthur, too."

As soon as she said the younger man's name, it hit him. He finally knew what was different about her.

"Alex...are you drunk?"

She laughed and again he heard it: that slight carelessness that came through in her voice when she'd been drinking.

"You've been drinking quite often lately. You don't drink, love. What's going on?"

"Nothing, darling," she answered unconvincingly, "I just needed to smooth out the edges. Something to take the edge off."

"Just be careful. Please don't drive. I'll come and get you whenever you want."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too."

He hung up the phone, feeling more confused than ever. He returned to Karen and Arthur, hoping that he was making the right decision by staying out with them. His concern must have shown on his face, because they both fixed him with a look of confusion.

"What's wrong?" Arthur asked.

"Matt, is everything okay?"

Matt paused, unsure of what to say.

"Alex is drunk. Again."

Arthur frowned.

"But...she doesn't drink."

Matt sighed.

"I know. She's been doing it quite a lot lately."

"Do you think it's serious?"

Matt ran his hand through his hair, his mind racing.

"I...I don't know."

* * *

Adrienne tipped over on the couch laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Seriously? You didn't!"

Alex nodded.

"Yeah...I did. Very first scene we did together. I felt horrible."

Adrienne laughed again, trying to picture Matt's reaction to being kneed in the most painful of places. Alex set her empty glass down and Adrienne instantly refilled it, draining her own in the process. Alex smiled as the younger girl turned up the music they'd been listening to slightly and ran her hand through her hair. It had been so long since she'd really felt this free and she never wanted it to end.

"Alex! We should totally dance!"

Adrienne pulled her to her feet and began moving in time with the music. Alex wasn't one to dance normally, but the alcohol she had consumed, combined with Adrienne's catching enthusiasm was enough to make her lose herself in the feeling. She spun in a circle, throwing her arms out wildly, and when Adrienne grabbed her hand, she twirled her in a dizzying whirl. They both went crashing to the floor, laughing and when there was a knock at the door, they looked up, confused. Adrienne stood to answer it, looking back at Alex with a puzzled expression. Alex found herself very entertained by the pattern on the carpet, barely noticing when the younger girl called her name.

"Alex."

Wait. That wasn't Adrienne's voice. Her head snapped up and her hazy eyes could just make out the figure standing in front of her. Matt.

"Hello, sweetie. What brings you here?"

He shrugged.

"It's getting late and I thought you'd like a ride home."

Adrienne came up behind Alex and threw her arms around her shoulders.

"Matt...she can always stay here. You can, too. We're having fun."

Matt shook his head.

"I think Alex has had enough fun for one evening. Come on, love. Let's go."

Alex waved to Adrienne and Matt carefully led her out to his car. The ride back to his flat was silent, but once the door closed behind them, Alex rounded on him.

"What the hell, Matt?"

"Alex..." he sighed, "I don't want to fight."

"Then don't put me in the position. Why did you really show up at Adrienne's?"

"I told you."

Alex laughed and he frowned. He couldn't see anything funny about this.

"I don't believe you."

"Alex, please-"

"No! You've been trying to get away from me for days, why don't I just make it easier?"

Now Matt was beyond confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"Karen! Arthur! The three of you running off just to get away from me. Do you know how long it's been since I've really seen either of them? You're always using them as an excuse to not be near me."

"Are you serious?" Matt asked incredulously, "That's insane."

"Oh, really?" Alex laughed recklessly, not even noticing the tears in both her own eyes and Matt's, "You could have fooled me."

Matt placed his hand on her shoulder to steady her, but she pulled away roughly.

"Alex...is that what you really think? You think I just want to get away from you? Don't you understand how much I love you? Or are you deliberately trying to push me away? If you don't believe that you mean the world to me, if you keep doubting me, then I don't know if this is going to work."

Too late she realised how much her words had hurt him, and she couldn't stop the sob that escaped her.

"Matt," her voice was desperate, "Please...I'm sorry. I just-look at me. I ruin everything I touch. You're a prime example. I knew that I shouldn't have brought you into my chaos, but..."

Matt turned from his place near the bedroom door, waiting for her to continue.

"But what?"

She took a breath, trying to find her voice, but instead she collapsed to the floor, sobs racking her body. Matt slowly knelt down next to her and took her wrist in his hand. He turned her arm over to examine the slowly-healing cut on her skin, running his fingertips over it lightly. She couldn't bring herself to look at him any more than she could stop the fresh tears.

"Matt..." she was pleading with him, begging him to understand, "I need you. Please...please don't leave me."

His fingertips were still ghosting over her arm and he looked down at her sadly.

"Alex...talk to me. Tell me how to help you. Don't keep shutting me out. I know you've been trying to make me angry enough to leave, but please don't."

"I don't want to hurt you," she said, still sobbing.

"I know. But you've already said that you don't want me to leave. So why are you trying to push me away?"

"I _don't_ want you to leave," she tried to explain, "but you need to. You won't be able to get hurt if you're not here."

"Not being with you would hurt me more than anything else. I need you to talk to me. Tell me if you're having a bad day, let me be there. I can't help you if you won't tell me."

She still hadn't looked at him, and he was desperate to see her eyes.

"I wanted you to be proud of me."

Dimly, her mind registered that she'd repeated Adrienne' s words. Matt lifted her chin so that she was looking at him and sighed.

"I am proud of you. But I still want you to trust me enough to talk to me. I love you, you idiot. I'll always love you. I'm not going anywhere."

Matt kissed her and when he pulled away, he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to wipe her tears away with his fingers.

"You really meant it?"

"Meant what?" he asked.

"You still love me?"

"Of course I do, you impossible crazy woman. You're my bespoke psychopath. Always."

She smiled slightly and he pulled her carefully to her feet, leading her to the couch. When she rested her head on his shoulder, he began absentmindedly playing with her hair.

"Alex?" he asked gently, "Why have you been drinking so much?"

She was silent for a long moment, and he was worried that she wasn't going to answer.

"It...it makes me forget. I feel so worthless, and it makes me feel...free, somehow. I can't really explain it."

Matt kissed the top of her head and she leaned into his chest. She was shaking, though whether from cold or emotion he wasn't sure, and he tightened his hold on her.

"Matt?"

"What, love?"

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

He kissed her softly and smiled.

"I know. Please don't ever doubt that I love you. Please."

She closed her eyes, listening to his heartbeat. It was strong and steady. Constant. A huge contrast to her own. Sighing, she knew he was right, but still...she couldn't get rid of the horrible feeling of worthlessness that lingered in her mind.

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"I..I'm scared."

He took her hand in his, raising it to his lips gently.

"I know."

"Please...help me?"

He shifted so that he could truly see her, his dark green eyes locking on hers, and he touched her face softly.

"Until the day I die."

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews would be lovely.**


	20. First Light

**A/N: Here's Matt's surprise, and Alex makes some important progress. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Alex gasped as Matt removed his hands from her eyes and she took in the sight before her. Roses covered every surface and candlelight flickered in the otherwise dark room. Rose petals were strewn about the room, creating a path to the bed where Alex's favourite book lay unopened and a glass of wine rested on the bedside table.

"Matt..." she whispered, "this is...why did you do this?"

"I told you that I was planning a surprise. Every woman deserves a rose-covered room at least once in her life. Adrienne recommended the wine, Kaz got the roses, Arthur picked out the candles, and I found the book. You needed a way to relax, and this seemed like a good one."

Matt led her to the bed and kissed her softly. When he looked at her again, she was frowning.

"What's wrong, love?"

"I haven't exactly been the best person to be around lately."

"Neither have I," he admitted, "But that doesn't matter now. Just take some time for you, Alex. Don't worry about anything or anyone else right now."

Alex kissed him again and he smiled. Things had been rough the past few weeks, but maybe now they could get back to a somewhat normal routine. She crossed her legs and picked up her book, feeling a bit like Adrienne, and pushed a stray strand of hair back from her face.

"Matt...this is beautiful. Thank you."

He kissed her forehead, looking at her seriously.

"I love you."

"I love you, too. So much more than you know."

Matt stepped back and made his way to the door.

"Take as long as you want."

* * *

Alex set her book to the side and picked up the glass of wine, draining it within seconds. She couldn't stop the shudder that shook her entire body, but still she picked up the bottle Matt had left lying next to the bed. She poured another glass and tipped her head back, emptying it nearly as fast as the previous one. She'd eaten that day, yes, but not nearly enough to stave off her impending intoxication. She stood, swaying slightly, and carefully made her way to the door.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"I...I just wanted to thank you again. I really don't deserve this."

Matt laughed.

"Of course you do. Now, go sit back down before you fall."

Alex smiled.

"Only if you come with me," she murmured suggestively.

Matt finally looked at her, noting the way she was staring at him. She took his hand and pulled him up from his position on the couch, leading him into the bedroom. When she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down to kiss him, he could taste the remnants of wine on her lips. She threaded her fingers in his hair and when he tried to break free, she kissed him again.

"Alex.."

"Hmm?"

"This...wasn't exactly what I had in mind for tonight."

She laughed.

"Are you complaining?"

He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.

"That's what I thought," she smirked, her voice low.

Matt felt that familiar feeling of anticipation when he heard her speak in that low tone. She kissed his throat, tasting his heartbeat, and when he moaned, she smiled against his skin.

"Matt..." her voice was doing things that shouldn't have been possible, "you are undoubtedly the sexiest man in the world."

He captured her lips with his own and when she bit down on his lower lip, he quickly repeated the action. Her breath caught in her throat and he pulled away to look at her seriously.

"Alex, I think we should stop."

She ignored him, kissing him again, frowning when he broke the kiss.

"Did I do something wrong?"

He shook his head.

"Of course not. But this isn't what I meant when I said relax. You should—oh, God—you should be taking this time for yourself."

Her lips on his throat had interrupted his sentence, but still he tried to explain. She continued to kiss him, sliding her hands under his shirt. Her nails trailed lightly over his skin, and she smiled when she felt his body tremble under her touch.

"I am, sweetie. I just happen to want to be with you at the same time. Now, are you going to take your own clothes off, or do I have to do it for you?"

Her voice had reached that pitch that drove him absolutely insane, and he pushed her against the wall. She cried out as her body slammed into the frame and he looked at her, concerned.

"Are you okay, love?"

She nodded.

"Fine."

He wasn't convinced.

"Are you sure?"

"Matt. Clothes. Off. Now."

She pulled on the fabric, sliding it over his head and she tossed it to the floor. Matt ran his fingers through her hair, tugging on it just enough to give him access to her skin. Her head tipped back and she moaned as he bit down on her pulse point. He pushed her shirt off her shoulders and when he kissed her again, the long moan took the form of his name. Matt reached up to run his fingertips lightly over her exposed skin and she shivered under his expert hands.

"Alex..."

He pulled away, fully intending to make her listen to him. She tangled her hands in his hair, bringing him closer.

"Don't stop," she whispered, "Please."

"Alex...we have to stop," she was kissing him again, her hands never leaving his body, "We can't keep—oh, fuck Alex—we have to stop."

He kissed her once more before forcing her to stop. She looked at him, a hurt expression on her face.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing, love. I don't have any sort of protection with me."

Understanding filled her eyes.

"Oh...but Matt, I'm almost fifty. And it's not like my getting pregnant is a common occurrence."

"I know," he said carefully, "but I still don't feel right about it."

Matt kissed her slowly. She clung to him like a lifeline, gripping his shoulder tightly.

"Matt..." she whispered, kissing his skin desperately, "Please don't stop."

He looked at her for a long moment, debating. With a low growl, he pushed her back against the wall. His hands pinned her on either side and he took her hair in his hand, using it to tip her head back again. She cried out and his lips locked onto her throat, relishing in the gasp that escaped her.

Alex whispered his name and when he began pulling off her jeans, she tried frantically to help him. He tossed her shirt onto the floor and she kicked her remaining clothing aside. As soon as he was able, Matt kissed her again, sliding his fingers inside of her. He moved quickly, removing his own clothing, and he smirked at the anticipation in her eyes. He pulled his fingers away and lifted her above him, lowering her carefully. They both moaned and he kissed her harder.

Alex's head fell back against the wall and she cried out with every movement. This was undoubtedly the roughest he had ever been, his kiss almost bruising, and she'd have been lying if she'd said it wasn't incredibly sexy. There had been so much tension between them lately, and this seemed as good a way as any to work through it.

Over and over, her body was slammed into the wall, her breath coming in short hard gasps. Matt's lips on her throat drove her mad and as he bit down, she couldn't stop the way her body arched into him.

"Alex?"

"What?" she gasped breathlessly.

"I hope you're prepared."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to make you scream."

She shuddered and he moved faster, feeling her grip tighten in his hair. He cupped her breast with one hand, the other holding her steady, and she moaned. When he reached down between them to touch her, she jerked in his arms, crying out. She could feel that incredible build-up, and when she screamed minutes later, she could feel Matt's smile against her skin. He followed her seconds later, resting his head against hers. He gently lowered her to the ground, and she held onto him weakly.

"Matt," she whispered, "that was amazing."

" _You're_ amazing," he corrected.

He kissed her breathlessly and when he looked at her again, she was smiling.

"I love you."

* * *

Matt opened his eyes and looked over at Alex. She was sleeping peacefully next to him, and he ran his fingertips over her skin lightly. From his position, he could clearly see the long gash running the length of her arm and he reached out to touch it gently. An overwhelming sadness came over him and he couldn't stop the tears in his eyes from falling. He had always made a huge effort not to let Alex see how much her illness was affecting him, but he couldn't help himself now.

He stood slowly, careful not to wake her, and made his way to the adjoining bathroom. As soon as the door shut behind him, he slid down to the floor, his head in his hands. The tears were coming faster now, and his shoulders shook. It had been almost a year since he'd first asked Alex to give him a chance, and he couldn't believe how much their lives had changed.

She was still underweight, and still obsessing, but it did seem to be improving. Her cutting had gotten much worse, however, and he was terrified that she would take it too far one day. He was running out of ways to help her, and at this point, he wasn't even sure he was making a difference. A soft knock at the door caused him to jump and he stood to open it, wiping his eyes fiercely.

"Matt, what's wrong?"

He should have lied. He should have told her that he was fine. As it was, his face fell and the tears started again. She was startled, but didn't turn away.

"Matt? Tell me."

"Alex..." his voice broke, and he tried again, "I don't know how to help you and it doesn't feel like anything I've done is making a difference."

She wrapped him in her arms and held him as closely as she could. His tears soaked through her thin shirt and she ran her fingers gently through his hair.

"That's ridiculous, Matt. Don't you realise that you've literally saved my life? I would be dead if it wasn't for you."

He scoffed and she pulled back to look at him.

"You don't believe me, do you? Darling, don't you remember the night I nearly bled to death? Or when I literally had a heart attack? You've saved my life more times than I can count. I can never thank you enough or repay you for that. I know I don't always seem to appreciate it, but I do. I'm so sorry for everything that I've put you through."

She kept running her hand through his hair and watched him carefully. He stopped her hand and brought it to his lips, offering her a small smile.

"I'm not asking you to repay me. I just want you safe. I don't want to lose you. This is the first relationship I've had where there is a very real possibility that my girlfriend might die, and it scares me. I don't want you to die, and I don't think you do, either."

"I...I don't want to die," she whispered, "I just want the pain to stop."

Matt pulled her to him, inhaling the scent of faint perfume. He held her as tightly as he could, and kissed the top of her head.

"I know. I'm going to do everything I can to help take it away."

She breathed in the scent that was so uniquely Matt and closed her eyes. The thought of recovery was terrifying to her, but she knew she had to. For him. She couldn't disappoint him.

* * *

The sandwich in front of her was daunting, and she sat on her hands to stop the shaking. There were so many parts: the bread, meat, cheese, condiments...it was overwhelming. Matt walked into the room and handed her a drink.

"You can do this."

She reached out, determined to try this without disassembling it, and took the sandwich with shaking hands. She lifted it to her lips and she could smell the meat, delicious and tempting. She took the smallest bite possible, chewing slowly. It scraped down her throat and tears fell from her eyes. Matt placed a hand on her back, hoping to ground her, and she started again.

Several agonising minutes later, she had made it halfway through the meal. As she came closer to finishing, her tears fell faster, and Matt wiped them away.

"Come on, Kingston. You can do this."

She held the last few bites in her hand and slowly began chewing. At last, she swallowed and a small sob escaped her. Her eyes closed in an effort to stop the tears and when she felt Matt's breath on her skin, her body shook.

"Hey, Kingston."

She opened her eyes, turning to him.

"You did it."

Matt kissed her and she smiled. As pathetic and disgusting as she felt, underneath it, she could feel a strange sort of hope settling in. Maybe she could manage this. Alone, probably not, but with Matt there to help her...maybe she could. It was all she had, but she was determined not to let go. Maybe it was enough.

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews are love.**


	21. Between Two Lungs

**A/N: This will probably be the last chapter for about a week. I'm getting married on the 13th, so I'll be a bit busy. For now, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Alex swallowed the last bite of her bread and Matt released breath he hadn't realised he was holding. She sat back against the couch, very aware of Arthur and Karen's eyes on her. Matt took her empty plate to the kitchen and Karen smiled.

"You're doing great, Alex."

Arthur nodded his agreement.

"We're all so proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself. This is amazing."

Alex offered him a small smile, and as Matt came back into the room, a strange look crossed her face. Karen frowned, her eyes concerned.

"Alex?"

Without answering, Alex threw her hand over her mouth and bolted from the couch. She pushed past Matt and when they heard her begin throwing up, Matt sadly sighed. Arthur turned to him, puzzled.

"What was that?"

"Her body can't handle much right now. If she eats too much, her body rejects it. That's part of the reason recovery is so dangerous at times. Her body has gotten used to so little and it's hard to make the transition," Matt explained.

After a few moments, Alex returned, her body shaking and Matt was at her side in an instant. He helped her to the couch and watched her carefully.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded slowly.

"I think so," she whispered.

Matt took her hand in his, kissing it lightly. Alex leaned back against his chest and he wrapped his arm around her protectively. After a few moments, she stood, offering her apologies to Arthur and Karen.

"I'm going to lie down."

They watched her leave the room and when the door had closed behind her, Matt ran his hand through his hair. Arthur looked at him, trying to decide the best way to approach him, and sighed.

"Matt...that cut on her arm looks pretty bad. It probably won't ever go away completely."

Matt nodded.

"It will leave a scar, definitely. At least now both sides will have matching scars," he said bitterly.

"What are you getting her for Christmas?" Karen asked, desperate to change the subject.

"I have no idea," he admitted, "Nothing I think of seems good enough. It has to be something really special."

"I'm sure she would love anything you gave her,"she said with a smile, "It will be from you, so that automatically makes it special."

Matt shrugged.

"Still...I want to make it incredible."

They continued to talk about the upcoming holiday, and when Alex reemerged from the bedroom, both Karen and Arthur took note of the way Matt's eyes lit up. She sat down carefully next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"What do you think, Alex? Should we start decorating now or wait?"

"Now," she said after a moment, "it will look so nice."

Matt stood, pulling her with him, and began to rummage through his closet. Karen and Arthur moved the furniture enough to fit the tree in the corner, and when they had it together minutes later, they began picking out ornaments. Alex helped Matt untangle the lights and several frustrating moments later, they began stringing them on the tree. Karen began sorting through the vast array of ornaments, handing them to Alex and Arthur as she sat on the floor.

The garland was next, followed by the glass ornaments, and when Alex began placing them on the tree, she couldn't stop the smile that came over her. A shattering sound and a swear from Matt caused her to turn sharply, and when her balance was thrown off, she went crashing to the ground. Arthur moved to help her, holding out his hand.

"Are you okay, Alex?"

"I'm fine," she answered, laughing, "I think Matt's the one who suffered."

"No, I'm okay," he muttered, "Just broke another ornament. It happens every year."

Alex was still laughing and he soon found himself joining in. It had been so long since they'd had a really good day, and he wasn't about to ruin it. He walked over to Alex, careful to avoid the shards of glass on the floor, and picked her up in his arms, spinning wildly. She threw her head back laughing and he kissed her, oblivious to their friends in the room.

He set her back down gently and they started putting more ornaments on the tree. Matt only broke a few more, and when Alex suggested that they finish the rest of the decorating another day, he happily agreed. Karen and Arthur walked up to them both, hugging them each in turn and smiled.

"It looks great. We're going to be late for our dinner if we don't leave now, but it was great to see you again and really spend time together."

Matt nodded and when Arthur hugged Alex again, he placed his lips close to her ear.

"I'm so proud of you. You're doing great."

She smiled, determined not to let the tears in her eyes show and he kissed her cheek.

"Take care of yourself."

* * *

"Merry early Christmas, Alex!"

Adrienne held out her gift, anxiously waiting to see her reaction. She'd spent so long trying to find the perfect thing, and she hoped Alex liked it. Alex tore off the paper and when she saw what was in the package, she gasped. Resting in her hands was an autographed copy of one of her favourite books, and she nearly dropped it out of shock.

"How-how did you get this?"

"It wasn't easy," the younger girl admitted, "but it was worth it. I told you, you're like family to me. I hope you like it."

Alex hugged her fiercely and smiled.

"I love it, you silly girl. Thank you so much."

She handed Adrienne her own present and when she saw what it was, she smiled. Alex, it seemed, had taken her copy of River Song's journal back and added in a letter on the last page, accompanied by an autographed sonic screwdriver from Matt.

"In case anyone ever doubts that they're authentic," she explained, "Be sure to read that letter whenever things get rough for you. I know they aren't the best gifts, but-"

Adrienne threw her arms around Alex, laughing lightly.

"Alex, they're perfect! I love it so much!"

Alex picked up her glass of wine and took a long drink, knowing that she probably shouldn't. Matt had been watching her so carefully lately, and she knew that he wouldn't approve. Still, she reasoned, she was an adult and fully capable of making her own decisions. They'd had such a wonderful day decorating with Karen and Arthur the day before and she was determined to have just as good of a day with Adrienne. It was only fair.

When her phone rang, she quickly answered it and Matt's voice on the other end of the line immediately concerned her. He sounded different, and it wasn't long before she figured out that he was drunk.

"Matt? Sweetie, how much have you had to drink?"

"Don't remember," he slurred, "Why?"

She sighed and Adrienne watched her, interested.

"Nevermind. It doesn't matter. I'll be home soon."

She was just about to hang up when she heard his voice again.

"Alex! I love you."

"I love you too, darling."

Adrienne was by her side instantly, her eyes full of curiosity.

"He's drunk?"

Alex nodded.

"So it would seem."

Adrienne held out another glass of wine and Alex accepted it gratefully.

"You have to catch up, then. Drunk sex is always interesting."

Alex laughed and shook her head.

"I don't think there'll be any of that tonight. He sounded utterly trashed."

She drained her glass in a matter of seconds and Adrienne smiled. She knew Alex was worried about Matt, but she also knew that the older woman was determined to forget her problems for a while longer. The least she could do was help her. If she made Alex's day a bit easier, that was enough for her. At least one of them deserved to be happy.

* * *

Alex stumbled into Matt's flat a few hours later to find it dark and very quiet. She turned on the Christmas tree and as the multi-coloured lights filled the room, her eyes found Matt slumped over the kitchen table, his empty glass still in his hand. She made her way carefully to him, shaking his shoulder lightly.

"Matt. Come on, sweetie. Matt. _Matt!_ "

He opened his eyes and when they landed on her, his face broke out in a smile.

"Alex! You're back!"

He stood and immediately stumbled. She caught him as best as she could and steadied him. He kissed her hard and she could taste the alcohol on his lips.

"I missed you."

She smiled and led him to the couch. She was incredibly drunk herself and never quite knew how they managed to safely make it into the living room. She tumbled into his lap, laughing and he frowned. The taste of wine from her lips had finally registered to him and he looked at her angrily.

"You're drunk," he said, his tone accusing.

She laughed in disbelief.

"Look who's talking."

"Why?"

"Because you're drunk, too," she answered simply.

"No..." he struggled to explain, "why are you drunk?"

Alex ran her hand through Matt's hair, wondering at the way it slipped through her fingers.

"I wanted to have fun with Adrienne. And I needed to pretend that I was a normal person for a bit."

Matt frowned.

"You _are_ a normal person."

"Sweetie, I'm everything but normal. A normal person wouldn't have fucked up their life like I have. I hate myself for it. I just want everything to stop. The pain, the stress, life..."

She hadn't intended to say that, but in her drunken state, it had slipped out. Matt turned worried eyes to her and took her hand.

"Don't-don't say that, Alex. I don't want you to die. I couldn't make it without you. It would hurt too much."

"Isn't that a bit selfish? Everyone says that suicide is selfish, but isn't it also selfish to expect someone to continue to live their life in pain just to keep _you_ from feeling bad? It's not about you."

Her words came out harsher than she'd intended and when he dropped her hand and stood, she knew she had gone too far.

"Matt! Wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it, then? Are you saying that my love for you means nothing to you? That what we have is just a waste of time because it's not enough to make you want to live?"

"Matt-"

"You don't have to explain any more. I think I understood well enough."

He made his way into the bedroom, stumbling and nearly falling. She went after him, trying desperately to think of a way to make him understand. He was face down on the bed and when she sat next to him, he moved away from her.

"Matt...you know that's not true. I only meant that sometimes when you get trapped in that darkness, you can't see what's really around you. When you're that far gone, it changes the way you see things. I don't want to pass my pain on to you. I want to take it away from you."

"How would you being dead do that, exactly?" he said coldly.

"Because," she paused, trying not to cry, "if I wasn't here anymore, you wouldn't have to deal with all of my shit. It would be better for you. Easier. You could move on with your life and make it better."

Matt raised his head to glance at her briefly.

"That's not how it works."

She shook her head sadly.

"I know. But...we've been arguing so much lately. If I wasn't here anymore, you wouldn't have to worry about that."

"I don't like fighting with you, Alex. It's just...normally I can let things go, but it's been so hard recently. You've gotten better, and that's great but...you were—I never knew from one day to the next if it would be the last time I saw you. Those three weeks that we were apart...I was terrified. I thought you were going to die and that I would lose you completely."

Alex reached out to touch him, but drew her hand back at the last second. He probably wanted space away from her.

"I know that you love me. Logically, I know that. But when my mind goes to that dark place...I can't really see it. It makes me question everything. What we have, my worth to you, my worth to the fucking universe. I start thinking...if we're all going to die anyway, then what's the point of living at all? Nothing we do will really matter after we're gone. What's my purpose in life?"

She was properly crying now, and still Matt refused to look at her. He was trying to follow her line of thinking, so dark and hopeless, so unlike the Alex he knew. He couldn't think of a response and she continued.

"I don't have any in between. I'm either ridiculously happy or I can't make myself see the point in life. It's all or nothing and the constant back-and-forth is exhausting. I didn't ask for this and I want it all to stop. I just want everything in my head to be quiet. I can't sleep because I can't shut off my mind, and then I get up to face it all over again. I'm just so tired. I want it to stop."

Matt took her hand in his and finally raised his eyes to hers. Even in the darkness, he could see the tears in her eyes and he pulled her down to him, kissing her as if his life depended on it. He tangled his hand in her hair, holding her in place and when he let her go, a sob escaped her.

"I'm so sorry, Matt."

He kissed her again.

"Shh. Don't cry, Alex. Why didn't you tell me all of this before?"

She shook her head.

"I didn't...I didn't know how. And I didn't want you to think I was crazy."

"Oh, Alex...I'd never think that. I wish you had told me. Alex, please...tell me when things get bad. I want to help you."

She nodded, trying to ignore the tears dripping down onto her lap. He pulled her down to lay next to him and wrapped his arms around her. She tucked her head under his chin and buried her face in his chest. When he kissed the top of her head gently, she pulled back to look at him seriously.

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are _you_ drunk?"

"I need a reason?"

She smirked and laid her head back down.

"Hypocrite."

"Psychopath."

She laughed and slapped him gently. He caught her hand and kissed it, holding her securely with his other arm. She could feel the alcohol making her tired and as she began to drift off, she felt Matt begin to play with her hair.

"I love you, you idiot."

She hummed in response and he held her as close as possible, wondering (not for the first time) how in the world he had managed to have her in his life. He wasn't sure, but he was going to do everything in his power to keep her there. No matter what happened.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope it was a good ride!**


	22. Cosmic Love

**A/N: Okay, I lied. _This_ will be my last chapter for the week. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Alex! Are you coming by later?"

There was something off about her voice, something strange, but Alex couldn't place it. She smiled as Matt encircled her from behind and kissed her cheek.

"Of course I am, sweetie. As soon as I finish taking a shower and everything, I'll be by."

"Okay! I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

Alex hung up, slapping Matt playfully.

"That's not fair. You can't distract me when I'm on the phone."

He smirked and kissed her again.

"You'd better hurry, love. Don't want to keep Adrienne waiting."

* * *

 _Adrienne,_

 _I know that things are rough right now and that you feel lost. You probably feel alone and want to give up. Eating disorders and depression are illnesses that seek to isolate you and make you feel alone. It's something deeply personal and difficult to open up about to others. I'm glad to have met you and been able to truly come to know the woman you are underneath it all. I hope you will keep communication open and that you can confide in those you trust when you are struggling and need support. Just remember to also have a little patience with them and with yourself, too._

 _Have kindness and love for yourself. Focus on the things that make you truly happy and inspired. That's what makes you who you are—not your illness. Remember that you don't have to—and shouldn't—deal with this on your own. There are people, especially me, who want to help you and who are always there to listen. Recovery takes a lot of time and hard work, but it is never impossible. You deserve it. Don't ever give up._

 _All my love,_

 _Alex_

Adrienne tried to ignore the tears that fell from her eyes as she read Alex's words over and over again, trying desperately to believe them. She tried to control her shaking, line by line, but it was proving impossible. Alex had meant well, but she didn't truly understand. She had Matt. All Adrienne had was Grace, and she wasn't even allowed to see her anymore.

The blade slipped in her hand and as soon as the metal hit, she knew something was wrong. Blood poured from her arm and she reached for a cloth, terrified. What had she done?

* * *

Matt stood outside Adrienne's door with Alex, hoping that the younger girl was as excited as Alex at the prospect of dinner together. They'd decided to invite Arthur, Karen, and Adrienne all out to a nice dinner, and even Matt was excited about it. It would be nice to finally have them all meet.

Alex opened the door, stepping inside slowly. She called Adrienne's name a few times and Matt pulled his jacket around him tighter. The brisk air made him shiver, but it was nothing compared to the snow falling down. Alex's scream snapped him away from the cold and he bolted from his place, wondering what had happened.

Blood, thick and dark, covered nearly every surface and lying in the middle of it, a knife next to her outstretched hand, was Adrienne. Matt quickly called for an ambulance, and as soon as he hung up, he reached for Alex. She hadn't stopped screaming, and he pulled her away as best as he could, trying not to slip as she struggled. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and began walking them to the door, Alex's screams now hysterical sobs.

She was still struggling against him, trying desperately to get to Adrienne, and Matt tightened his hold on her. He couldn't risk her getting hurt by slipping on the blood and he dragged her to the door.

"Alex. Calm down. She's going to be fine. Alex! _Alex_!"

Matt was both trying to calm and convince himself as well as her. She collapsed in his arms, and he gently lowered her to the floor. He knelt next to her, cradling her against his chest, and when the

paramedics arrived minutes later, he picked her up gently. They followed as Adrienne was placed into the ambulance, Matt sitting Alex on the passenger seat of his car.

"We can go with them," Matt offered.

Alex was still sobbing, but she nodded. They arrived at the hospital moments later, Matt rushing to the front desk.

"A girl was just brought in. Can you please let us know when you have some information on her condition?"

The nurse nodded, not really paying attention. Matt sighed, making his way to Alex. Her tears had slowed, but not stopped, and he took her hand gently.

"She'll be okay, love."

"Matt," Alex sobbed, "did you see all the blood? What happened to her that made her want to die? Why did this happen?"

Matt shook his head sadly.

"I don't know, love."

Alex's hands were shaking terribly, and he gathered her into his arms, kissing her cheek. They stayed like that for quite some time, both lost in thought. Alex's mind was with Adrienne, and Matt's was focused on Alex. What would have happened to him if it had been her? It had nearly happened before, and he'd been absolutely terrified. What would he do if some day it _was_ her? He shook his head to clear it. He couldn't think of that. Not now.

* * *

When Adrienne's eyes opened, she was disoriented beyond belief. She had no idea of where she was, nor how she had come to be there. Her eyes locked on a figure with long blonde hair, reaching our to her like a halo, and when the haze of her mind cleared, she was able to put a name to it.

"G-Grace?"

She nodded, her eyes sad.

"Adrienne...why?"

"How did...how did you know?"

"The doctors called. They said that you're very lucky to be alive. Your heart stopped in the ambulance. Twice. Don't _ever_ pull that shit again. You scared me to death!"

"I'm sorry," Adrienne whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"Apologise to your friend Alex, not me."

Adrienne frowned, the medication flowing into her system making her mind hazy.

"Alex? Why?"

"She's the one who found you."

Adrienne's heart sank at her words and she felt her tears begin falling. Grace reached out to hug her gently, not wanting to hurt her, and kissed the side of her head.

"Where's Mum?"

Grace was silent at first, not sure how to answer.

"She-she didn't come."

"Why?"

"She said that you'd made your choice, and now you'd have to live with it. I'm so sorry."

The dark haired girl broke her sister's gaze and stared down at the sheet covering her. She knew that she'd done a stupid thing, but how could her own mother disown her? Didn't she care at all?

Alex shredded the tissues in her hands and when Matt stopped her with his own, she raised confused eyes to his. He nodded in the direction of the operating room and Alex was greeted with the sight of a young woman with long blonde hair approaching her. The girl held out her hand, a hesitant smile on her face.

"You must be Alex. I'm Grace."

Matt shook her hand and Alex nodded silently. She didn't have it in her to speak and she offered Grace a small smile.

"Thank you," she continued, "for what you did for my sister. You saved her life."

Matt shook his head.

"It was nothing. I couldn't let anything happen to her. She's been a good friend to us. Especially Alex."

"What have the doctors said?" Alex finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"As soon as the psychiatrist is in, if Adrienne can contract for her own safety, she's free to go. They stitched her arm up and gave her some blood to replace what she'd lost."

Matt was appalled.

"They aren't going to do anything?"

"Matt, when you go into a hospital, they want as many beds free as possible. If they don't believe you're a threat to yourself or anyone else, they're going to release you. That's just how it is," Alex explained softly.

Grace nodded solemnly.

"She's right."

Grace shook Alex's hand and turned, making her way to her sister's room again.

"Thank you again," she called over her shoulder.

Matt watched her for a moment before turning his attention back to Alex. She was back to shredding her tissues and he took her hand again.

"Alex. Let's go home. There's nothing more we can do."

* * *

The loud shrill ringing of Alex's phone startled her out of her sleep and she answered it with little thought to who might be calling.

"Hello?"

"Alex?"

As soon as Alex heard Adrienne's voice, she sat up sharply, ignoring the spots in front of her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

She could almost see Adrienne nod.

"I'm fine. I just...I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen, and I certainly didn't mean for you to find me."

Alex sighed.

"It's...well, I won't say that it's okay, because it isn't, but...I understand how you felt. I did almost exactly the same thing a few months ago. Just...you won't do it again, will you?"

"No," Adrienne said, her tears evident in her voice, "I...Alex, I was so scared. I don't-I don't want to die."

"I know," Alex's voice was understanding, calm. "I know how it feels to be there. But, you can do this. And I'll be there to help you. If you let me."

Alex frowned, her words truly sinking in as she spoke. She was slowly beginning to see what this was like from another perspective. From _Matt's_ perspective. Becoming Adrienne's friend, being there for the younger girl when no one else was, it was opening her eyes. As she said her goodbyes and well wishes to Adrienne, she felt tears of her own begin to fall. How could she have been so selfish?

"Alex? What's wrong, love?"

"I'm so sorry, Matt. Everything I've done, the horrible things I've put you through...I just—I'm so fucking sorry."

She lost the ability to speak and Matt simply stared at her, alarmed. He wasn't sure what had happened to cause her this level of anguish, and he didn't know how to react. He held out his arms and she fell into them, her body shaking with each breath she took.

"Hey...it's okay. Listen to me, Kingston. You've been the only thing that's right in all that I've done. And I'm always going to be here when you need me. Even if you can't see me, even if you can't hear my voice, I'll be right beside you."

He kept her in his arms as he ran his hand over her hair, trying to calm her. Alex wiped her tears furiously, disgusted with herself. She was so tired of this mess, so tired of crying, so tired of this feeling of worthlessness. It was exhausting, and she wanted nothing more than to sleep until it was all over.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to be like this anymore."

He kissed the top of her head gently.

"I know. I'm going to help you. No matter what. I'm not giving up on you."

Alex raised her head to look at him, running her hand over his face lightly. He watched her for a moment before closing his eyes and she kissed him. He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm, pretending he didn't notice how cold her hands were.

"Matt? We're a fucking mess, aren't we?"

"Yep," he agreed, "but I'm the mess that you wanted."

She nodded, threading her fingers through his hair. When he kissed her again, he framed her face with his hands, much like their last kiss on _Doctor Who_ , and held her in place for a long moment after they had parted.

"Do you still...do you still think I'm pretty? I mean, I know I'm not Karen, but-"

"Alex," he stopped her with a finger on her lips, "you're fucking gorgeous. Karen's pretty, yes, but you...you're absolutely stunning. I told you, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Her eyes flickered down to the floor and he raised her chin to make her look at him.

"I love you. More than you will ever know. More than I can ever say."

"I know that I should want you to leave, but...I love you, and I don't want you to go. I need you."

Matt looked at her seriously.

"I need you like air, Alex."

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him as close as she could.

"I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Adrienne stood slowly as Alex knocked on her door, feeling nervous in a way that couldn't be named.

"Alex!"

Alex enfolded her in a hug and when she pulled away, she examined the younger girl carefully.

"How are you, sweetie?"

"Better," Adrienne said slowly, "Grace has been stopping by to help with the things that I can't do because of..."

She shrugged, indicating her injured arm. Alex nodded in understanding.

"I met her. She's very nice."

"You met Grace?"

Alex nodded.

"At the hospital. She loves you very much. You're lucky to have a sister like her."

She hugged Adrienne again, and the younger girl smiled.

"I kept reading your letter. That night. It helped me so much. What I did...it was an accident. My hand was shaking, and the knife slipped."

Alex smiled, wondering if the girl was telling the truth. She seemed to be, but Alex herself had used the "slipped" excuse. She sat down when Adrienne offered her a glass of wine, and raised it.

"I hope this means you won't do this again. You really scared me."

"Alex...I am so sorry. I never imagined that you would find me. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, sweetie. It's okay. It's too bad we missed dinner, though."

Adrienne's face paled.

"Oh, shit! Was Karen mad?"

"No," Alex shook her head, "she understood. She's a very understanding person. One of the things I love about her."

Adrienne smiled and took a drink from her glass. Alex drained her own and as soon as it was empty, the younger girl refilled it. She knew she should probably slow down on drinking, but it was better than slicing into her own skin. She was determined to beat it, and if this helped, so be it.

* * *

Matt answered his phone on the first ring, and Arthur looked at him strangely. Usually, he would have let it ring, but Matt had seemed a bit preoccupied anyway.

"Hello?"

"I can't do it, Matt."

"Can't do what?"

"I...God, Matt, I want to cut so badly."

Matt was instantly alarmed.

"Please...don't. What happened?"

The other end of the line was silent, and Arthur was still trying to figure out who he was speaking to.

"Alex?" he whispered.

Matt silently nodded, his eyes frantic.

"What happened?" he repeated, "Alex, talk to me."

She took a deep breath to stave off her tears and sat down on the floor.

"I...I tried on my dress."

"And?"

"It looked awful. I'm too fat to wear it. I look disgusting."

"Not a chance, Kingston. I'm sure it looks absolutely amazing."

She was silent and Matt was suddenly very worried.

"Alex, please...don't do anything. I'll be home in a few minutes, and then you won't be alone. Just don't do anything. Stay where you are."

She didn't answer him, and he didn't like the silence.

"Answer me, love."

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Please hurry."

After telling her how much he loved her, Matt hung up the phone, turning to Arthur. Arthur looked at him with a concerned look and he placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Is she okay?"

Matt shook his head.

"I have to get home. Now."

* * *

Matt wasted no time in opening the door and when he saw Alex sitting on the floor, her hands underneath her, he sighed in relief. She was shaking, and he knelt down next to her, looking at her seriously.

"Can you stand?"

She nodded and he held out his hand. She took it, and he noticed that her hands were whiter than he had ever seen them. He pulled her into his arms, holding her against his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm so proud of you," he whispered.

"Why?" she asked, confused.

"Because you didn't do it. You wanted to, and you stopped yourself. That took an incredible amount of strength, and you did it."

She shook her head.

"I'm sorry I called you."

"I'm not. I'm so glad that you called me. I _want_ you to call me. Anytime I'm not here and you feel like this, I want you to call. I don't care where I am, I will always answer the phone."

Alex clung to his shirt as if her life depended on it, and he noticed for the first time that her knuckles were white. He untangled her fingers and intertwined them with his own, kissing her fingers lightly. When he kissed her properly, he was painfully aware of how cold her lips were and he draped his jacket across her shoulders.

"You're so cold."

She nodded.

"I'm always cold. Sometimes it hurts."

He wrapped his arms around her, trying to warm her. They still hadn't moved from their position on the floor and he stood slowly, taking her with him. He guided her to the couch, wrapping her in a warm blanket and sat down next to her. She leaned into his chest and sighed. Now that he was with her, she could feel her panic leaving her. She knew that eventually she would have to manage on her own, but for now, she would rely on him. For now, his presence was enough. He was her safe haven, the light that guided her home, and she would do anything to stay with him. To her, he was home.

* * *

 **A/N: Hooray for Alex being strong enough to resist! Anyway, reviews are wonderful!**


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